Big Life Decisions

[Drassielle Zallizare]

Hey all, I haven't really posted in this guild (or Gaia, for that matter) in a really long time. Lately, though, a LOT of things have been bothering me and I don't really know who to talk to about it which made me think of you guys.

Here's my story:

I'm 17 years old and I've been dating this guy who's a lot older than me for two and a half years now. We met on World of Warcraft when he was living two states away from me and had just been released from the Air Force prematurely (long story). We had known each other for quite a long time on WoW before I developed feelings for him and eventually I asked him out. He was resistant at first because of my age but circumstances and my pushing ended up in him giving in.

Now, I had done the online dating thing MANY times before, but usually they never worked out. I fell pretty hard for him and we started making some crazy plans about him visiting. I asked my parents about it and they said that it was fine as long as they got to meet him and talk to him a bit first.

He showed up Christmas Eve night and, not to make a cheesy rhyme or anything, but it was love at first sight. He ended up moving here to be with me a couple months later. Since he didn't have the funds or job set up, he moved in my parents house and we've been living together ever since. He got a job working at a gas station and I worked at a restaurant for five months but I'm unemployed right now.

My boyfriend (we'll call him Dave) is EXTREMELY sweet and loving. Before me, he had never had a serious relationship or had sex. He grew up in the midwest with an a*****e for a father and an overworked but loving mother. Dave's dad died when he was only 16 and he didn't really feel much over it.

I love Dave's shyness and his ability to make me laugh and smile when I'm feeling down. I love how he loves my cuteness and sees past my weight to the real me. I love how he is patient with my anger issues. I love how he tells me that I'm beautiful, sexy, and a wonderful girlfriend.

I don't feel like a wonderful girlfriend though. I feel terrible because no matter how much I try, I simply can't be happy with him right now. Dave isn't romantic or spontaneous. I feel he favors video games over me a lot of the time. Also, to be frank, Dave is really bad in bed. He's got the equipment but never learned how to use it. Over the past two years, Dave's performance in bed coupled with my bad experiences sexually when I was a child has really made me hate sex and dislike even being in the mood. He feels really bad about this and wants to make it up to me by the practice makes perfect method. But I don't enjoy sex at all. Not one bit.

I'm turning 18 in early March and will be inheriting a somewhat large sum of money. Dave and I decided about a year ago that we should buy a house with this money away from here and live together happily ever after; he could be the working husband while I could stay home with the dog, cook, clean, and most likely have a part time job. Dave tries his hardest to assure me that if I moved away with him, I would be truly happy because he'd magically get spontaneous, romantic, less addicted to video games, and get better in bed. Dave is also considering going back into the Air Force and says he will have to marry me before re-enlisting if I want to be with him.

About six months ago, I met this guy (we'll call him Jack) on WoW who is AMAZING. I love his voice, he is apparently great in bed, spontaneous, romantic, and lost girlfriends only because he was "too much of a good guy." This sounds like he would be making it up but I talked to a few people to confirm. He is REALLY into me and doesn't live that far away. He's telling me that he wants to steal me away because he knows all about mine and Dave's situation and feels it would be irresponsible to myself to do something when I don't think I'll be happy. It seems really selfish to just think about myself though.

I have expressed to Jack that I'm... developing feelings for him. He reciprocated them and Dave knows about it. I almost broke up with Dave over it but he convinced me to give him one more chance to show me what a good boyfriend he can be. He tried so hard and I took him back. I have no idea if I took him back because I would feel inhumane about crushing his heart or if I really love him. Oh, that's another thing. I love Dave with all my heart, but I firmly believe that I'm not in love with him. Hearing this... made Dave cry. And he's NEVER cried in front of me.

Now to my real dilemma: I am so confused about what is good for me in this situation and a lot of things are contributing to the confusion.

1. I have never once moved in my life so moving, alone, is a HUGE step for me and a scary one at that.

2. I have no proof from Dave or from my heart that I will be happy once we move

3. Buying a house with someone is a very permanent-feeling idea and I don't want to go into something then regret it and be out of the money.

4. Jack seems like he would be Dave plus all the things I'm missing. I realize that he can't be perfect, but I don't need perfect. I need happy.

5. I really want to just abandon Dave (see, selfish right?) and ride the winds of impulse to go have a wild sex fest with Jack once I'm 18.

6. I am deathly afraid of staying with Dave and regretting it because I never got to explore men or life by myself even though Dave is a really great guy.

I don't want to lose possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, but I also don't want to miss out on my own happiness. I apologize that this post is so long and I appreciate those that took the time to read it; even moreso the people that respond. Feel free to share your own stories and comment with any opinions on the matter. Oh, and please don't quote this post as I mentioned before, it is long and would be destruction to the eyes. =P

 

[xXxSeraphim SkyexXx]

I'm thirteen and what I say is usually ignored most of the time, but, if ur in a delenma like that then u need to do what makes u the happiest. I used to do things that only made the people around me happy, but soon I learned that even if they're people u luv, that u need to do something for urself. I know it sounds stupid... but choose the way that makes u the most happiest.

Srry... I'm not good with advice or anything. sweatdrop  

[Drassielle Zallizare]

Skye of Hyrule

I'm thirteen and what I say is usually ignored most of the time, but, if ur in a delenma like that then u need to do what makes u the happiest. I used to do things that only made the people around me happy, but soon I learned that even if they're people u luv, that u need to do something for urself. I know it sounds stupid... but choose the way that makes u the most happiest.

Srry... I'm not good with advice or anything. sweatdrop

Hey, I never said the advice had to be perfect. That's why it's advice! It's your own opinion. It's really hard for me to do what is right for me first, then concentrate on other people. I ALWAYS put others before me. Since I've been doing that for so long, it's very difficult for me to even know what makes me happy. Which... is why I'm so confused. There is a chance I could be happy with Dave, but I'm scared of stepping into something so permanent when there's that big risk that I couldn't be.

 

[xXxSeraphim SkyexXx]

Oki thx. I just hope that everything turns all right for you and that I wish I had better advice to tell you. *hug* I hope that ur happy either way.  

[Drassielle Zallizare]

Skye of Hyrule

Oki thx. I just hope that everything turns all right for you and that I wish I had better advice to tell you. *hug* I hope that ur happy either way.

Thanks! heart

 

[broken_bleeding_angel]

I'm sorry, moving away and pushing for marriage before leaving you and going back to the air forces just doesn't sit right with me. At all. And s**t doesn't change because you move. If you can't change where you are now then you can't change anywhere else. It's an effort and willpower thing, not a location issue. =3=

I have to agree with Skye of Hyrule. You have to do what makes you happy.You can be in a great relationship with a guy and be totally miserable. It is possible. But I think if you're both not happy, then you need to solve that.

If you think staying with Dave is the right choice, even though you're not happy, then fine. That is your choice.

But if you think you'll be happier with Jack then that's your choice too.

Drassielle Zallizare

It seems really selfish to just think about myself though.

It's not though. Yes you might hurt Jack or Dave. But sometimes it's necessary if you want to be happy.

Again it's your choice. Who knows, you could be miserable with Jack too, but the sex would be good. Is the relationship worth just the sex?...  

[tummytumsXD]

im 18 turning 19 in july
and in my opinion i dont think you should brake up with dave. becuz u never know that jack is just being nice IN THE INTERNET what if he isnt what you think when you actually meet him. but thats just what im saying. ive been in this situation before a lil diffrent but still kinda the same. Dave sounds like the nicest guys ever. Later in the futer when he does the biggest mistake ever then you can brake up with him and go to that jake guy.anyways sex is the key to happiness trust me, if its just for sex then forget it it would be one of the stuipidest thing youll ever do. but hey this is just what i say and how i look at things so u can take this advise or ignore it. ur option  

[Drassielle Zallizare]

Angel: That's what I was thinking. I don't really know how things can be THAT different if he can't change it now. But... I think he might be able to change it if we can get motivated to work on the problems in the relationship together, since I am certainly not perfect. I know I have issues as well.

And... I don't think I would be going to Jack just for sex, but that certainly would be a big deal. That's the question I've been asking myself "Am I really just going to throw it away because the sex is bad?" What I feel in my heart tells me that I just can't do that. Especially when he tries so hard and it's really not his fault. I'm starting to think that if he just TRIED to fix all the things in the relationship it wouldn't matter if he actually succeeded. The effort would tell me how much being together means to him.

Maybe... we should go with something less permanent. Like renting an apartment together. I mean, no one is saying that we HAVE to make such huge leaps and bounds just because I'm turning 18, right?

Tummy: You're right, Jack could be totally different. I do know some of his friends in real life though and they have pretty much told me that he's pretty cool. Dave really is the nicest guy, that's why this decision is so hard.

 

[broken_bleeding_angel]

Even renting an apartment is a big step too though. If sex and romance is the issue, why not work on it together?  

[Drassielle Zallizare]

broken_bleeding_angel

Even renting an apartment is a big step too though. If sex and romance is the issue, why not work on it together?

You're right. Maybe I can get him to look at some books or online with me to give him some ideas. I just hate his way of "If you want me to be spontaneous, you have to tell me what to do." D=

After living together in my parents house for this long, we really do need to get out of here if we're going to stay together. So I think if I want this to work, we'd need to at least rent an apartment. Doesn't feel so big to me.

 

[tummytumsXD]

yes u are right u should rent an aparment i did and its working well for me. im caught on with all the bills and it is very big and pretty and a good place to party. it has 4 bedrooms XD  

[broken_bleeding_angel]

Drassielle Zallizare

broken_bleeding_angel

Even renting an apartment is a big step too though. If sex and romance is the issue, why not work on it together?

You're right. Maybe I can get him to look at some books or online with me to give him some ideas. I just hate his way of "If you want me to be spontaneous, you have to tell me what to do." D=

After living together in my parents house for this long, we really do need to get out of here if we're going to stay together. So I think if I want this to work, we'd need to at least rent an apartment. Doesn't feel so big to me.

Yeah you guys can work on it together. Also for your sex life, try looking up the Kama Sutra online for positions and stuff.  

[Drassielle Zallizare]

broken_bleeding_angel

Drassielle Zallizare

broken_bleeding_angel

Even renting an apartment is a big step too though. If sex and romance is the issue, why not work on it together?

You're right. Maybe I can get him to look at some books or online with me to give him some ideas. I just hate his way of "If you want me to be spontaneous, you have to tell me what to do." D=

After living together in my parents house for this long, we really do need to get out of here if we're going to stay together. So I think if I want this to work, we'd need to at least rent an apartment. Doesn't feel so big to me.

Yeah you guys can work on it together. Also for your sex life, try looking up the Kama Sutra online for positions and stuff.

Will do! Thanks! =)

 

[broken_bleeding_angel]

Drassielle Zallizare

broken_bleeding_angel

Drassielle Zallizare

broken_bleeding_angel

Even renting an apartment is a big step too though. If sex and romance is the issue, why not work on it together?

You're right. Maybe I can get him to look at some books or online with me to give him some ideas. I just hate his way of "If you want me to be spontaneous, you have to tell me what to do." D=

After living together in my parents house for this long, we really do need to get out of here if we're going to stay together. So I think if I want this to work, we'd need to at least rent an apartment. Doesn't feel so big to me.

Yeah you guys can work on it together. Also for your sex life, try looking up the Kama Sutra online for positions and stuff.

Will do! Thanks! =)

No problem. Need more advice just pm. I wont be able to get back till next weekend though cuz I'm moving monday and we don't have our internet and phone hooked up till the 29th. =3= But I'll get back as son as I can.  

[faretheewell]

I think that you're right in your feeling that Dave is not the right guy for you, but I think that you're wrong in the assumption that Jack is the solution. Maybe Jack would end up being the right guy, but it's the wrong time and for all the wrong reasons.

You aren't happy with Dave. It's sad, but I don't see this relationship working for you. You are not physically compatible, and this will continue to cause problems for you. If you stay in this relationship I don't think that you will end up happy. You've given it a good trial, it's not working.

And you know that. One of the reasons that you're even considering Jack is because you are restless with what you have. You're looking for something more, and Jack represents the ideal. That makes him very attractive to you right now.

But the fact is that you aren't sure what you are looking for right now. You think you know from the holes in your current relationship, but that's a band-aid, not a solution. You have never had a chance to get to know yourself as an adult, and that is a problem. Plus, it isn't fair to yourself or Jack to jump straight into a relationship with him.

You think that leaving Dave would be selfish, and in a way you would be right. It would be thinking only of yourself, but that is exactly who you need to think about right now.

I think you know what you need. You mentioned it yourself in your original post. "...regretting it because I never got to explore men or life by myself..."

It is a big, scary thing to think about, but you need to be single for a while. You need to go out by yourself and explore the big, scary world and your own psyche. Find out what you really need in order to be happy. It might turn out that you don't need anyone else, and that's ok. Being single isn't bad, especially if that makes you happy. Sometime after you've been alone for a while you might meet someone else, either Jack or someone completely different, and they might make you happy. That's also a great ending for this story. Either way, you will be doing everything you can to be confident and love life.