Get The Truth Out

[xXKajiKonekoXx]

i lie about stuff on gaia but whatever my age says im actually 12right now almost 13 but i still consider killing myself becuase of my b****y mom.i know what its like to have your dad and your brother leave becuz of her. now my brothers in the army across the intire world. i hate cuasing people pain but i think they have cuased me more pain than ever. crying  

[Elyarne]

Aw, guys, I just wanna hug you all! 1000 x emotion_hug

My grandmother always says,

"It can only get worse before it gets better. But it always gets better."

She should know. She's had depression, like me. It's genetic, I've got it in both sides of the family and in most of my family members. The other day at my great-grandmother's funeral ('Old Ma', aged 92), in front of over 41 people, Ma (my grandmother) made a speech about how her mother stood by her when she was mentally ill and helped take care of her kids (including my Mum). She told me afterward she did that for me. I love her so much emotion_bigheart

I only wish all of you had someone like my Ma in your lives. Someone in all your lives - or I am faithful will soon enter your life - no doubt cares or will care about you. I'm sure if you looked hard enough you'd find them. When you do, open up to them. They will get you. And if you can't find that person, find a professional to talk to. Just please, find someone! If you can't find anyone irl, then I guess everyone here will have to do. We care, or at least I do, even if we can only see words on a screen.

You are loved. All you have to do is find the will and you can be happy again. As I did, after a complete meltdown a year ago. Things can only get worse before they get better, but they always, always, always get better. And I am living proof. You don't have to be religious to have faith. I found mine, and with it a will to carry on. That can be yours too.

 

[-xXLittleCutieeXx-]

People keep telling me that they don't mean to hurt me, and that they're sorry, but I know they're not... I've been lied to so many times, I've become an expert at telling whether people are or not... And every apology, every excuse, every explanation, has been a lie. I hate it when people lie to me, it makes me feel so awful... I feel like I can't trust anyone, because whenever I let my guard down for somebody who seems nice, I always end up getting burned. Occasionaly literally… I'm just so sick of it!!! cry  

[Lady Davia]

Original Characters Draw them please? I tip! Pm me ^_^

My girlfriend of 10 years just broke up with me a few days ago. She told me she loves me, but she loves me the same way she loves her best friend of 14 years. She says she doesn't know when it changed, but it did. She wants to stay friends. But...there were signs. I see them now, too late. But...she's been telling me she loves me, buying me romantic cards, made a very cute romantic art inside the desk she re-finished for me for my writing, she gave me a beautiful picture frame that has words of love on it....

show spoilerhide spoiler

I love her still. I hate her so very much. I have undiagnosed Major Depressive Disorder (can't afford a doctor but I'm a psych student and in the age of information I am 98% sure this is what I have, and have has since I was a child of 7). She knows this. I have mentioned, in poems and writing and to others online and to her (in fits of depression because sometimes it comes back full force even if things are going well), that if ever I lost her I would be soon to follow. The discussions where I said such were usually about if she died, because she swore after she left me 7ish years ago that she would never leave me again. But in my mind, I meant if ever I lost her in any way.

After breaking up with me she reminded me of my promise not to self-harm, one that I made after she took me back 7 years ago. A promise I have only broken once or twice since then. I laughed. I told her all promises made were null-in-void now. She wants to stay best friends. She has our car, for good reasons, fair reasons. But we work together.She is my only transportation. I am on personal leave right now, but I will have to go back soon. I'm staying with my mom. I need a new bank account, to separate our bills, to get new transportation to work and college. The bed I'm on is old and crap and I'm sore and oh so tired. I can't eat. i can't sleep.

I find myself alone, desperately fighting to think of reasons not to do anything stupid. I haven't self-harmed in at least 4 years, longer before that. But it's like an addiction, when my darkness comes back it is a literal struggle not to give in. It's like after my last car accident. every time my brain goes to think about it, I have to force my mind away, chant to myself over and over not to think about it, don't think about it, please god don't let me think about it. I stay up until I pass out, watching tv shows to try and distract me, a temporary escape mechanism that will only work as long as I am able to focus on anything but myself.

She lied to me. I don't know for how long. I don't know why. I have never been in so much pain in my life. I want to die. desperately, with every fiber of my being. I want to die. But I cannot allow myself that release. I have to think of the pain it would cause my mom, who is single and has raised my sister and I alone our whole lives. She attempted to commit suicide 3 times when I was less than 10. I was present for 2 of them. The dead don't have to worry about bills, or school, or work, or pain. But I've always wanted to be a mother. I'm clinging to that right now. Less than a few months ago we were making plans to have a child. I suppose she lied about that too. But I cannot be a mother if I am dead.

I feel so angry, so hurt, so betrayed. I have no friends to talk to. I am not close with my sister, I don't know why but we never really clicked. We're practically strangers living in the same house. people keep telling me they're sorry, and I choke on the "it's ok" that I usually respond with, because it's not okay. 10 years, and only once has another human being ever shown any interest in me, and he is looong gone. Even if I were to move on, no one would want me.

I'm obese, have been since I was in 3rd grade. I have very mild skin condition that usually just makes me have dandruff but occasionally makes my face dry and peely. I have pretty blue eyes, but other than that I am repulsive. I am smart, but I dumbed myself down, vocabulary and all, for her. I don't have much. I want to use this anger and pain to better myself, but I'm to drained to leave my house, especially in the Florida summer heat. and then i think, why bother. if I kill myself, it's one less thing to worry about. No one will ever want me anyone, and even if someone out there does, I'm to shy for them to find out.

I can't tell anyone irl, they would have me locked up, and i would lose my job, and then if I ever got better I'd have nothing left when I got out. I love her so much. I love her more than life itself, far more than I care for my own life. She knows that, I've been telling her for years. a few nights before I moved out I asked if I could keep her and she said yes, forever. Now she tells me she still wants to keep me forever, as a friend. I want to stab her. I want to cut myself until the pain sharpens and draws all my attention, so the invisible pain numbs. I can't. I don't have anything here to use, most of my stuff is still at her house. It's probably better that way. I want someone to break in and kill me, but my prayers are rarely answered and I doubt any higher power will end my suffering for me. It's a bad night for me, if you can't tell.

Twice since I moved out she's been to spend the night with her best friend. I wear a mask, a perfect mask of a smile no one can see through unless I want them to. I perfected it back in high school, ages ago. I told her I'll stay her friend, because I don't want these 10 years to have been a waste, and because really, she's the only friend I have. I think she thinks I'm ok. She tells me she's so happy I'm ok with this, so happy to hear I wanna stay friends, so happy I don't hate her and yell and vanish on her. She tells me she is having fun and enjoying her "me" time. I hate her so very much. I love her even more.

My mom is harder to fool, but she has her own history so that's not surprising. I love my mom, but she's terrible at knowing when I need her, and when I need her to stop talking about it. We still have to go through everything, decide who keeps what. I took my dog, she let me.

it's funny. I have a saying, love hate fear and pain, all reside within the heart. I am feeling all of them now, in varying fluctuating intensities. I have to go back to work on the 6th. One day a time, i keep telling myself. just one day at a time. But god, I hope I die in my sleep tonight. I'm never that lucky though.

my apologies for the waaaaaaaaay to long post. I needed to get it out, perhaps more than i though.
~~Lady Davia~~

You choose which one(s), there are 32/96 with bios now, lol.

 

[chaoskaye]

Lady Davia

First of all, I want to say I'm sorry for what you're going through at this moment.

Second of all, I wanted to say in some ways I understand what you're going through. I believe a lot of people here can claim they understand that feeling of hopelessness, but it's not going to last forever. Yes, it's going to be hard but you can't let this moment define the rest of your life. Maybe you've heard this before, but loves come and go. Even those you think are your soul mate, if you believe in that sort of thing.

What I'm trying to say is, don't give up. Who knows, she may realize she made a terrible mistake and come back to you. Even if that doesn't happen, you'll find someone else. Someone who sees passed what you believe to be your "flaws", who accepts and loves you for the person you are.

I could have written more, but I didn't want to make you read a wall of text. But.. I hope this helped in some way, whether it's a lot or just a tiny bit. Just remember to hang in there, these experiences will make you a stronger person.

 

[Lady Davia]

chaoskaye

Lady Davia

First of all, I want to say I'm sorry for what you're going through at this moment.

Second of all, I wanted to say in some ways I understand what you're going through. I believe a lot of people here can claim they understand that feeling of hopelessness, but it's not going to last forever. Yes, it's going to be hard but you can't let this moment define the rest of your life. Maybe you've heard this before, but loves come and go. Even those you think are your soul mate, if you believe in that sort of thing.

What I'm trying to say is, don't give up. Who knows, she may realize she made a terrible mistake and come back to you. Even if that doesn't happen, you'll find someone else. Someone who sees passed what you believe to be your "flaws", who accepts and loves you for the person you are.

I could have written more, but I didn't want to make you read a wall of text. But.. I hope this helped in some way, whether it's a lot or just a tiny bit. Just remember to hang in there, these experiences will make you a stronger person.

Original Characters Draw them please? I tip! Pm me ^_^

Thanks for that. I really do/did believe she was my soul-mate. we met in a closet at school, got locked in together for 3 hours. and there are too many coincidences and similarities to ignore. but...I don't think she'll change her mind. Oh God I would sell my soul in an instant if she would, but something inside me tells me she won't. for me, the hard part is that I've felt pain and hopelessness and despair like this before. Never this intense, but it is not a new sensation. I am 25 years old, and only one other person has shown interest in me, so I do not think anyone else will ever come into my life. Perhaps I'm wrong. I thought she loved me for who I am. 10 years. A decade. 1/10 of my life, if I lived to be 100. If I survive them I will be stronger for it, you're right about that. I just don't know how to survive them when every aspect of my day to day life has been so thoroughly intertwined with hers. But...thanks, for talking to me. There didn't seem to be many new posts, I feared this place was dead.
~~Lady Davia~~

You choose which one(s), there are 32/96 with bios now, lol.

 

[chaoskaye]

Lady Davia

I can understand how that'd make things more difficult, but like I said.. Just don't give up hope. Don't give up hope on her possibly changing her mind, but at the same time don't pass up finding someone else. If that makes sense..

No problem, sometimes you just need to vent and know that there's someone out there who's actually listening. But hey, I'm always up to meeting new people and making new friends. So if you ever need to talk or anything, feel free to drop me a PM or something. I'm mostly on for some amount of time everyday, unless I'm extremely busy.

 

[Feranvenn]

I have been stuck in this horrible school for 3 years. I have been dealing with problems like: getting over rejection, being rejected by society, being a loner, being teased and discriminated, trying to cope up with grades and the society. It's all so damn hard and I just cant take it anymore. I've been trying to smile and stay optimistic and say crap like "things will get better" but no, horrible things have just kept on happening to me and im tired of pretending to be happy with my life when Im really not. I don't blame myself for being such a negative minded person, its only normal because I have been treated so badly and been lied to by so many people. I am tired of being used and ignored. I'd rather be sad and depressed about my life cuz it seems to me like the best way to react to everything that has happened to me. Think about it, being happy and smiling all the time even when thing are going bad is just weird and im tired of it. So I just wanna say IM FRIKIN TIRED OF THIS AND I JUST WANT IT TO END.  

[-Unlaced Soul-]

I'm 19. I have everything ahead of me. There is so much potential for me to lead a wonderful and happy life.

But everyday, it becomes harder to wake up, to get out of bed, and to function. I don't know when it became so hard again. I've dealt with depression on and off my entire life. I thought I had finally "kicked the habit", you know? I was so thrilled and optimistic that it would never come back and I could finally get on with being happy.

But it has. I feel so dull and numb. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling so tired and ready to not wake up ever again.

I've dealt with a lot of things in my life. Shitty family situation, being poor, no friends, emotional abuse, online sexual abuse, anorexia, attempted suicides...etc.

However, I was not prepared for the death of my dog. She meant more to me than anything else. She had been with me when no one else even knew. I loved her so much.

Without her, life lost its color. I lost motivation to keep going. Why be alive with there is nothing to live for? Why wake up when nothing is worth it?

I'm rambling now lol I've never talked to anyone about these feelings. I've always been alone through these periods of my life.

It's different being able to post it somewhere...potentially for someone to read.

In my life, I feel used by everyone I know. Cheated and ******** and taken for granted. I feel like nothing in my life is mine. It all belongs to someone else. My clothes, my money, even my food.

Everything I do is an attempt to make those around me happy. And they just spit in my face.

No one knows I feel this way. Everyone thinks I'm fine.

I'm tired of pretending just like I'm tired of everything.  

[sha312]

For me, it's the struggle with Despair. At times it seems, I have the strength to beat it back, but time and again it manages to come back.  

[fallen_rayne]

Say Something Unofficial Music Video


For the loners, for the outcasts, for the suicidal, for the addicts. For those that look in the mirror and see someone they hate. For anyone ready to give up on life. Never forget there is always someone who cares, never give up on yourself. Say something....


My friends and I worked hard on this video and we would really appreciate it if you can take a few minutes and watch it!


]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQM0R23DdSQ

 

[Aethya]

I was treated like crap growing up and I can't seem to get over it. I'm the oldest out of three kids and I'm the only one that was mistreated, neglected, and abused. I was hit a lot. Just for being a kid mostly, or because my mom came home angry over something else and I was being too much like a wild kid. My sister is ten years younger than me and doesn't remember any of it and thinks my mom is a saint. My brother is eighteen years younger than I am and barely knows me because I moved away when I hit eighteen. My siblings were raised fine. They've had braces and even have their own therapists and medications. I just don't understand why I was treated like this. I was neglected medically all my life. Never saw a dentist, never had a doctor when I was sick, and was sick often. Was forced into an eating disorder [anorexia] because my mom had one [obese obsessive eater]. I was born, I'm sorry. I don't understand what I did that was so horrible, I was just a kid that didn't know anything, literally. I don't get why I was abused for being alive basically, and why I'm so upset that my siblings have had it so much better. I should be grateful they didn't suffer the way I did, but my heart hurts every time I hear something go great for them and giving credit to my mom for it all. She acts like it never happened. Like she's not the monster I know she's hiding from them. She destroyed my father when I was seventeen. She played an online game all the time, ironically I found it and played it first so of course I blame myself for everything that happened. I was "dating" a guy through this game and for some reason she decided she wanted to sleep with him and take him from me, which he allowed and did. Not physical sex, but still cheating and it just crushed my dad. They divorced and he's been paying out the a** to her since, which her boyfriend she met not long after the divorce just loves. My dad's never recovered. Almost eleven years later and he's still resentful and hates her like it happened this morning. He's lived his life in a dark hole where it's just him and his thoughts eating away at his life. And I'm not too far off. How could such a monster be so fcking coy and blind those around her so well? I tried reasoning with my sister once and she flew off the handle at me. I told her why our parents were divorced and she replied, "What? No, dad is the one that cheated." I almost fell out of my chair. I can't believe what a monster I was born to. I can't believe most of my life. Why was I dealt this hand? And why can't I seem to deal with it?
I have a daughter now. Almost fifteen months old. I've posted images and videos of her for my mom to see, but I refuse to let her speak to my mom or even know about her existence when she's older. It's my gift to my daughter. Why would I ever want to bring such a monster into her life? The only plus side to my life is that I know what not to do with my daughter. She will be well informed and ready to go out into the world by the time she's ready, unlike me. I wish I could say these things to my moms face. I wish I could ask her why to so many things. Why not just give me away? I would have been so much better off. Just, why? I'm sorry I was born. I didn't ask for it, how is it my fault you created me? Why did I have to suffer for your problems? Just, why?
[Thank you, these posts are therapeutic]