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| What Is your feeling? |
| Sad |
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59% |
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| Mad |
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7% |
[ 11 ] |
| Dont Give A F^c* |
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33% |
[ 52 ] |
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| Total Votes : 154 |
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 Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:04 am
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:40 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:04 pm
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Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:40 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 2:16 pm
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Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:44 am
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:35 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 7:33 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:21 pm
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Dear Andi,
Yeah, I told you that I liked you as more than a friend. You said you weren't looking for a relationship, I was okay with that. I couldn't control my depression, despite my meds. I tried my best to be everything I could be to make you happy, but you still dumped me off on the side of the road. I threatened to kill myself, tried to, ended up in the hospital. But all you did was laugh. You ******** laughed! I felt like a monster, being held down by those nurses, having them doing daily blood tests to make sure I wasn't overdosing on anything. It was hell. And it was all your fault.
Dear Lake,
Remember those days? School dances, screwing around during choir, stolen kisses between classes. I remember. I've been through so much in the past two years, and I thought you would always be there for me. I thought we were soulmates. But now you've abandoned me. For HER. That blonde b***h who treats you like crap, but you don't seem to care, because she's prettier than me. All those times I cut myself, you were always there to help me. The cuts are still there, and they hurt more than ever without you there to ease the pain. I miss you...
Dear Shelby,
Please know that that fight in fourth grade was nothing. I've been cutting myself, you've been cutting yourself. I'm finally off my meds, but I know that you're still struggling. Please get better. I don't like the fact that they're sending you away to a mental home for eight months. It wasn't your heart who told you to attack your sister, it was your mind. So please...try your best to overcome your bipolar disorder and depression. I miss my best friend. Please come home. :'(
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Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 1:03 pm
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I lie a lot.
But only to protect myself and feel better about myself.
When you've been raised to believe you're smarter than anyone and better, it gets to you. Failure becomes a huge fear, and when it happens, you break.
For years I've been battling depression, and it's until now that I realize what causes it. It's the fear o f failing, of becoming nothing.
I don't fear loneliness. I can live a life without romance and just around friends. As a 21 year old virgin who doesn't go on dates because I can't find it in me to like someone else at such a high level, i'm a pretty strange individual.
Meaning that having to deal with me is very difficult.
I'm a sociopath, not textbook- no sociopath is textbook. So when I'm scared of failure and need someone to go to, their moral support, their words, don't reach me because I could care less.
The end result is that nothing gets through to me, and so then I feel utterly hopeless.
I've wanted to tell people that I really don't feel like being here anymore, but I don't want to die. I'm not an emo scene kid who listens to sappy screamo music clad in black while quoting MCR.
I don't follow the standard expectation of one of those attention whores who want love rather than help.
So when I tell people, they think I'm just being melodramatic. I may hint something off, to see if anyone will try to be around me more, to try and help me fix this internal drive to just stop living because I'm just so tired. But no one takes it seriously. Because I don't seem the person.
And so when I do have to get my word across, I lie, because I despise being coddled. It disgusts me when I'm told loving words like 'oh, don't kill yourself! sad people care', or when people cry on my shoulder.
See? I'm difficult.
End line is, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I lie to survive and I care little about anything save for failure.
That's pretty much it.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:22 pm
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I've been putting up with too much of other people's stuff. I hate seeing other people be so ignorant and not understand anything I say at all. People I meet care about their opinion and their opinion alone, and do not care if they wound myself or others while expressing their opinions.
I'm a very quiet person who only talks when necessary or if something catches my interests. And that's barely. Whenever I do talk, I get shot down by every weapon in the U.S. armory by everyone. Whenever I see this happen to someone else, I do not hesitate to jump in and defend them if other people are being to harsh against them, even if it's someone opposing me. Not once has another person done this for me. They only sit down and watch in amusement as the quiet guy gets whatever he just said battered into a million pieces, lit on fire, bathed in gasoline and watered out with urine.
I do not go outside much, I don't have any real "social life" besides going to school and interacting with classmates. I take my education very seriously. It's all I really have. But even so, what damn do colleges give? They'd take the Osama Bin Ladin into their institution if his SAT score were magnificent. But to someone who does not get into trouble, actually cares about school, rarely curses, does his work, and hates bad things, they give the royal finger of "Sorry, we have not accepted you. We will save your name in our locked up vault of rejected applicants and never contact you again".
I don't even know what I major in. I like helping people. But people never seem to want my help. I found a hobby, Robotics, to do every Friday at school, and that makes me want to be an engineer. But I'm not even that good at Robotics, and Math isn't really my best subject. I always end up doing the wrong thing with the given formula or doing everything backwards and conceive and unimaginable answer that is always pointed out to be miles away from correct. I'm not stupid. Calculus is just a far stone to jump towards.
I've wanted to be a lawyer, but the things I would have to do aren't very nice, and I couldn't deal with defending someone who did something wrong or sending someone innocent to prison. I would also like to be a doctor, and would not mind spending the time it takes to get a a doctorate, but I don't even have any money to pay for college to begin with.
I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life after high school. My GPA has already been royally screwed over in my first two years of high school where I was in a school where I simply couldn't work. The students and teachers hated me altogether and my parents refused to let me transfer, saying that it was only for a short time.
Politics is making me more and more disappointing with how to world is changing. I don't feel all that well about how the election went; I never liked the concept of winning or losing. I think competitions ruin the fun in everything. Everything. But some people don't seem to understand that either.
I am not suicidal. I used to be three years ago, but some friends right here on Gaia helped me stay strong, and I moved back to my home town and away from that high school I loathed. I am most likely simply anxiety ridden, fed up, and disappointing. I hope the way I am feeling right now will fade away as I get older, and that college will be better.
I thank the original poster for posting this thread in the first place, I really needed to let off some steam somewhere.
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 5:10 pm
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Ah I already posted on here haha. But as I type I'm going through some bleary eyed breakdown that's just yelling 'enough is enough!'.
College, to me, was never seen as a challenge. Honestly, I felt like I could take on it, but it's proven otherwise. If I do bad this semester, which ends in 2 weeks, then I won't be able to afford college anymore. I'd be done. I'd be the college drop out with no future. And that scares me.
In my earlier post, which is about two comments above, I mentioned how failure is my greatest fear, and my greatest motivator in regards to suicide. It's not looking too good, and so, ergo, suicide is becoming far more appealing.
I know I know, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've heard that crap far too much. But just how temporary is a problem, if it'll effect you in the long run?
Do I want to work at minimum wage all my life? Do I want to financially struggle? Do I want to live a life cluttered in depression till the day I die of old age or some accident?
The answer, is, of course, NO.
I don't have it in me. I can hardly withstand college, how the hell am I gonna take on a full course run at life with no hope to back me up?
Today I've realized that it's the little things that have got me breaking down. Before, it was more controlled. Now, just being told off gets to me- and that's something that's never bothered me before.
Everything bothers me, and scares me, and pisses me off. THIS pisses me off. This ME, this disgusting teary eyed little crap that can't get her act straight. It's pathetic, it's weak. And I hate it so much I just want to ram my head into a wall and scream SCREAM SCREAM.
I know I need help, but I can't afford it. And I can't afford to lose the time I should, instead, invest in college. I'm screwed. I'm lame. I'm stupid. I can't deal with it, or people, or this weight.
So far, I know I won't kill myself tonight, or tomorrow maybe. I did have a set date, kind of like a 'if you made it this far, know that there's a life to live'. But I've found myself staring off at traffic and rooftops. And I don't even realize it until I come back to awareness.
I am spent. And I don't know what I want anymore.
It's not fair, I realize. I'm young and somewhat fortunate. But that's because I'm coddled in this life. How would I fend on my own? How can I do anything right in the next 4 years when I can't today, at the peak of demands?
So far, only you all have heard of this. I know I should talk to someone, but the suggestion always hits the same wall- go see a therapist, not my problem, life gets better, etc etc.
It's pretty sad, isn't it? When a community of online strangers knows more about you then those you've known personally for years.
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:15 pm
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Dear Ellie,
I feel like I'm the worst girlfriend you could ever have and I apologize for everything you've been through. It isn't right. You're an amazing and wonderful girl, I just wish more people can see that. Especially when it comes to your parents, they don't know how amazing their daughter is and how hurtful they can be towards you. It's not right, just because you're use-to this pain and all the lies, doesn't make it right.
Sometimes I don't have the right words to say and sometimes, I can't help you fight your demons. It'll get better, maybe not to the full content.. but it'll get a little bit better in two years.. when we're finally together. I'm done fighting my demons, we're on the same side now. They're my comfort when I cry myself to sleep. They seem to be the only ones to listen when I have had enough and the blood is dripping down my arm. They're the reason why I hate my scar-riddled body. But I love yours, I love everything bout you.
Sometimes I don't know if I should stay or go.. sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me to disappear out of your life forever.. but I don't think I can live with that regret. I love you too much to just walk away, even when you're talking bout suicide and you end up in the hospital from an anxiety attack. While I'm dealing with my own demons, I'll be strong for the both of us
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 10:02 pm
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