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 Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:05 am
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okay, well, im going to lay out it then get to details. ive known it within me for a while now, but didnt choose to accept it til...actually a couple minutes ago.. ive been a christian for almost 2 years, but only have known gods grace for about a year. im the only religious being within my family. my mom is an ex-narcotics user, and my dad currently is a narcotics user. im a sophmore right now. theres laying out the basics...now to the story.
okay my 7th grade year wasnt so great, i spent my time drinking, and smoking cigarettes, and surprisingly hanging around gangsters (as my family are mostly gangsters.) at the time my mom hadn't called me for 8 months, she lived in a city 2 hours away, and i lived with my dad. my dad has smoked pot since before me. my mother was deep into crystal meth, and had basically forgotten about me. we went into the city to try and find her, but we never could get a hold of her. one night she called me and told me what she had been doing. usually my dad isnt the type of person that gets emotional, or mushy about anything, and i remember this night because its one of the only hugs ive gotten from him that i can remember/.
i went to phoenix to visit her even while she was doing meth, and got more into drinking. i had learned to hate drugs with a passion, and would never do them when offered. and ive always had this childhood kind of dream, that i wanted to wait until i was married to have sex, so i never di any of that either. but basically 7th grade was a bad year for me, i saw too many things that i shouldnt have.
at the start of 8th grade, one of my friends from 7th grade was in nearly all of my classes, his name is sidney. one day he randomly invited me to church, with his friend corina, and since the church was about 2 blocks away from my house,a nd i wasnt doing anything, i decided to go. i really dont know what quite compelled me to go though. when i went, like most first timers, i just kind of sat there (keep in mind that this is a non-denominational christian church) so i wasnt doing any praise and worship or anything. but for some unkown reason i really liked it, and the people there. i started going on a regular basis, and sidney and i became best friends. all this time, my mom had been working on getting out of drugs. and my dad got a girlfriend, who i strongly disliked. she controlled him, and was mean to me, in a cold way, and she used meth. her own kids hate her. i figure di should be saved one sunday morning, considering i was a christian now, and all. so i got saved but didnt really knwo what it meant, but somehow it attached me to god. i still knew i loved god, and watched how dramatically my life changed with his praise. not really my life surroundings, but my moods, and veiws towards...everything. me and my dad have had problems since i can remember communicating and bonding, but things had started to get worse, because i was growing up more and becomming more independant. my mom had gotten out of drugs by the mid school year, and was working on improving things, i was proud of her and htough everything was going to be alright...but... things kind of switched... my dad got into meth. and the night i found out, is when i connected with god truly for the first time. i got on my knees and sobbed for hours, praying over everything, and god was telling me things, things i didnt know before that he opened my eyes to. from there i started being a devote christian. int he summer of my 8th grade year i went to a christian camp located in colorado springs, at new life church, called desperation. that changed my life. through most of that year, i had a burning desire for god within me, that i could feel in my chest, a sense of cleanliness... undescribable. at the end of my 8th grade year i started dating this girl, anna who i stayed with all summer, and we decided to have the purest relationship we could. i agreed to the terms she stated and we were good. my dad had started changing... meaner, harsher, he worked a lot before cause he owned his own business but now it was literally 22 hour shifts. the summer of 8th grade we went to a campout with the chruch, and anna and i had been fighting over something, and trust me.. im a very loyal boyfreind, you wont catch me even looking at another girl... ever, but there was one girl there that caught my eye, i knew nothing about her except that her name was dene. i tried to talk to her several times, but almost evry time she gave me a blank face and walked away without a word....i wasnt planning anythign with her but i wanted to see why she caught my eye... but that was the last i thought id see of her since she didnt go to our church and was homeshcooled. in 9th grade...sidney and i, got into skipping school a lot too. anna didnt like it one bit, but other than that thigns were okay with her, until thanksgiving time came aorund, we were fighting a lot more... then she went on a six flags trip with our church to california, and i couldnt go due to problems with my dad. when she was there... she cheated on me with a guy she met the day before... and when she came back she didnt tell me but everyone else did. in time i forgave her as a good christian, and even gave her a second chance. i called the guy, matt, and told him to stay away from her. around this time, on myspace i got a friend request, from teh girl at the campout, and i started to get to know her. i started to tell her about problems with anna, and with my dad and everything and she listened.... something anna never did. and this is basically when i figured out why she caught my eye... she understood me as a person, and we were so alike, it was amazing, but i didnt have feelings for her as a girlfriend, cause i was loyal to anna. then anna...turned everyone at church against me by saying that i was spreading rumors that we were having sex at chruch and such... the day after i bought her a bouquet of flowers... i was torn up, and all my friends except sidney were against me. i had 3 friends at this time. sidney, dene (girl from the campout) and strangly enough, the guy who anna cheated on me with. she was horribly mad at me for befriending him, but we had a lot in common, and ironically, dene and him were siblings. from there it seemed that there was a strange connection between us. i knew she liked me because one day she admitted it to me. after everythign that had happened with anna, i left her... and a couple weeks later, i realized that dene... had been there for me, and understood me literally better than anyone i had ever met. i realized i loved her. one day at church (december 17th 2006) i told her i loved her, but i told her "dont say it back if you dont mean it, think about it, and dont be afriad to tell me you dont feel the same way" she told me simply " i love you too michael" and i asked her out.
this is where everything goes horrible. i was with dene now, and it was the most amazing thing ive ever felt, i felt truew love with her, and somehow we both knew that god had brought us together. she came to me for everything, and even her parents could tell that im the only one that made her feel better about anything, and that she was truly happy with me.during this time... things were horrible with my dad... one night... he started to hit me. and it continued for a while. then i told dene, and she was horribly worried, as she should have been. thorugh a couple months i had been kicked out, physically and emotionally abused, forced to pay rent for myself in the house, and many other things, but all the while i spent as much time with dene as i could and we were absolutely happy. her family liked me, and everything.
then one night... he did more than hit me a couple times... he tackled me to the ground, and put me in a headlock, punching me in the face a couple times, then picking me up, and spitting in my face, then telling me to get everything i owned in the middle of the room, cause he was going to burn it, even my clothes. he stood and watched as i did so for a while, i was fully capable of fighting back, i even worked out normally, but this man...was my father, i looked up to him as a child, and watched him become th emonster he is today. well that night he stood and watched me for a while, then once he walked out of the door, i slammed it shut, locked it, and kicked the window out and ran. i ran up the street to a friends house and called dene from her phone ans asked to speak with her dad. i asked if he could pick me up...he did and i told them everything. they called the police, andmy dads girlfriend denied anything happening. so they took me to juvi for a night in an alternitive program. all this time, i was still fully devout to god, and was so into proaise and worship. i still ditched, but not as much, and up to my birthday(january 27th) is when i stopped ditching. but sometime si had to, to get a day job to get 50 dollars a week for my rent, and such. it was for my boarding in the house. the stats cps )(child protection services) got involved...and my mom had been clean off drugs for a year and a half...she lived in texas and told me that it wasnt my choice but i had to move with her. things with dene's parents somehow got ruined for a while... i lied to them once about ditching school, and they already werent completely sure my father had done anything to me... so they ddint want dene and i together anymore, and was somewhat happy i was leaving. matt(annas cheating buddy and denes brother) even hated me then... they offered to take me to the city 2 hours away though to the airport for my flight... to get rid of me...
my last week in flagstaff arizona... on saturday of the week before... dene and i were at an ice rink...and...that week we shared our first kiss... the third month of our relationship... and that wednesday at chruch she got saved.... and then on friday night....my last night in flagstaff... we snuck out of church to kiss for the last time...and i wanted to make her happy, it had kicked in fully that i was leaving to her, and... she started sobbing at church during the praise and worhsip...that night... i wrapped my arm around her, and leveled my face with hers, and held her int he same (uncomfortable position for me) place for 3 1/2 hours, singing the songs in her ear quietly, talking to her, and telling her everything was going to be okay...then i pulled her out, and asked what she was going to do...with out relationship.. she asked me if id come back even if it was after i graduated... and i said yes....and she promised to wait for me...i moved to texas...and i couldnt find a good church... i havent been bad, but ive...changed... i dont worship, i dont...do much of anything that has to do with god, besides listening to lots of music and praying every now and then... and i can feel being pulled away from him...
this may fsound like a bad story, but now if i look back at it all, it has taught me...how to be me. i know things that 30 year olds dont know... life skills, and such... when i was in 8th grade... an old lady whom i didnt even know had a dream about me, and made a whole big message thing for me.... and... it said i was a warrior of god and all this stuff...but then one of my pastors at the desperation group... he told me he had a vision about me...he said id have to grow into an adult sooner than i wanted to... after all this i have matured greatly, and beleive this is what he meant... this is my proof that god is real. and my dad...and everything in flagstaff, the town i grew up in... was gone... but god gave me dene and i still had her...and i truly beleive that she made up for every last bit of all of that they way sthat she affects my life...
i havent told her much yet... but i dont feel as close to god... the closest non-denominational church is half an hour away and i cant drive yet...
i also feel this may be a reason that my grades are slipping.....
i need god... i need dene....
but i dont know how to get back...praying isnt an issue, but its that feeling of cleanliness with god that i need back in my life....
i know this is long... but im willing to look into any suggestions...thank you...god bless you all...
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 9:09 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:10 am
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:07 pm
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Wow, first off I'd like to say that your story is totally inspiring and amazing.
However, even though you may feel like you are being pulled away from God, you may actually not be. Just remember, God is always with you, whether you feel like it or not. However, the fact you are praying even though feel as if God is far away proves that you are doing the right thing by continually reaching out, like a child, to God. You will be blessed by for this, and I know it.
Keep praying, and don't forget to read your Bible. You say the nearest non-denom church is half an hour away, but try some churches closer that aren't non-denom. Remember they are all Christian, no matter what denomination. When you go, you can make it clear that you are non-denom, but looking for a good group of Christians to get plugged into. See where you feel welcome. Maybe, God is urging you to go to one of those churches. Pray for God's guidance and advice as to where you should go.
Keep it up though, and God Bless! You are doing the right thing.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:01 pm
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wow, you are amazing. You may not feel close to God, but let me tell you something, you're faith is absolutely mind blowing.
It may feel like you're not as close to God, but it's not true. As dragon said, he's always with you. Every Christian goes through periods where they don't feel as close to God as they had been, but these are times when we have to grow, and fully depend on God to get us through - even if it feels like he's not responding. Read your bible, pray, go to church - even if the closest church isn't the one you'd like, in times like these it helps to surround yourself with other believers. Just try them out and see, you may be surprised. =3
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Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 4:57 pm
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Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 1:09 pm
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dragongirl42391 Wow, first off I'd like to say that your story is totally inspiring and amazing. However, even though you may feel like you are being pulled away from God, you may actually not be. Just remember, God is always with you, whether you feel like it or not. However, the fact you are praying even though feel as if God is far away proves that you are doing the right thing by continually reaching out, like a child, to God. You will be blessed by for this, and I know it. Keep praying, and don't forget to read your Bible. You say the nearest non-denom church is half an hour away, but try some churches closer that aren't non-denom. Remember they are all Christian, no matter what denomination. When you go, you can make it clear that you are non-denom, but looking for a good group of Christians to get plugged into. See where you feel welcome. Maybe, God is urging you to go to one of those churches. Pray for God's guidance and advice as to where you should go. Keep it up though, and God Bless! You are doing the right thing.
i know god is always with me, but... i can't really hear him anymore.... i know he's always talking to me, but i can't hear him, and.. about visiting other churches, i tried that, im currently trying to get into going to an assemblies of god church a lot, but until im 16 i cant get a ride much cause my mom has to work, she thinks its great that i go to church, but unfortunately can't take me much. when i moved... well i told dene that i knew it would take a while to get involved in church, to meet people that go to a good church... but i know that your supposed to find a church that makes you feel at home.... my pastor was telling me about it before... but at lamb of god, i just never felt an experience like that, besides desperation, but do you think it might be just because thats one of the first few churches ive gone to?
also ive got this weird thing, for praise and worship, which normally is the main string that attaches me and gets me into god, i can't really listen to live bands... im not sure why, but like cd worship does so much more for me. |
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Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 1:12 pm
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thestarthatshines wow, you are amazing. You may not feel close to God, but let me tell you something, you're faith is absolutely mind blowing. It may feel like you're not as close to God, but it's not true. As dragon said, he's always with you. Every Christian goes through periods where they don't feel as close to God as they had been, but these are times when we have to grow, and fully depend on God to get us through - even if it feels like he's not responding. Read your bible, pray, go to church - even if the closest church isn't the one you'd like, in times like these it helps to surround yourself with other believers. Just try them out and see, you may be surprised. =3
yeah but i dont feel like gods pulling from me, i feel like im going from him, like im un-intentially blocking him out...
theres this moving thing...to a new school, i feel like maybe a part of it is because... well ive been trying to make some close friends, and maybe ive been focusing on that too much instead of god... |
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:53 am
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God is always waiting with open arms. I come from kind of the exact opposite situation. My first girlfriend raped me, my subsequent relationships have all sucked, big-time. I've been what I thought was a Christian my whole life, but only really did anything about it since this past October.
I declared war on everything against God and on November 11th, 2007, I gave Jesus lordship over my life. Not just my savior, He is my God. I dedicated myself to Him.
I also have someone that I feel God put into my life. Her name is Emilee. My siggy is her, or as close as I can get using Gaia sprites on Tektek. However, I'm having to wait for her after only barely getting to talk to her ever. In five years, I've seen her five times and only gotten to say a grand total of 20 sentences to her (rough estimate).
I pray every night for her. I pray for her during the day. I pray for her when I'm driving somewhere. I pray for her when I'm studying. She'll just randomly come into my head and I'll pray for her and her family.
God can use any (ANY) situation for good. It doesn't matter what happened with Dene's family, God can use it for good. With Anna, God can use it for good. God has a plan for you and no matter what happens to you, it is all part of it.
Praise God for his gracious gift of knowing your the one, if indeed Dene is that for you. It is so much harder to have only a vague and ill-defined 'friendship' with a girl and wait for God to bring her through the dark when she lives in your very small town (only 1300 people in the town where she and I live).
I will pray for you, whatever-your-name-is.
Be blessed. Be strong. Be safe. Don't be afraid. God is near.
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:12 am
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elohiim thestarthatshines wow, you are amazing. You may not feel close to God, but let me tell you something, you're faith is absolutely mind blowing. It may feel like you're not as close to God, but it's not true. As dragon said, he's always with you. Every Christian goes through periods where they don't feel as close to God as they had been, but these are times when we have to grow, and fully depend on God to get us through - even if it feels like he's not responding. Read your bible, pray, go to church - even if the closest church isn't the one you'd like, in times like these it helps to surround yourself with other believers. Just try them out and see, you may be surprised. =3 yeah but i dont feel like gods pulling from me, i feel like im going from him, like im un-intentially blocking him out... theres this moving thing...to a new school, i feel like maybe a part of it is because... well ive been trying to make some close friends, and maybe ive been focusing on that too much instead of god...
Life feels a bit empty doesn't it whereas before perhaps you felt more complete
Just be careful what you fill that void with
I filled it with work (not the best thing to do in my case)
Really
Take a look around and tell me what you see
What does your world look like? |
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 3:03 pm
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lordstar elohiim thestarthatshines wow, you are amazing. You may not feel close to God, but let me tell you something, you're faith is absolutely mind blowing. It may feel like you're not as close to God, but it's not true. As dragon said, he's always with you. Every Christian goes through periods where they don't feel as close to God as they had been, but these are times when we have to grow, and fully depend on God to get us through - even if it feels like he's not responding. Read your bible, pray, go to church - even if the closest church isn't the one you'd like, in times like these it helps to surround yourself with other believers. Just try them out and see, you may be surprised. =3 yeah but i dont feel like gods pulling from me, i feel like im going from him, like im un-intentially blocking him out... theres this moving thing...to a new school, i feel like maybe a part of it is because... well ive been trying to make some close friends, and maybe ive been focusing on that too much instead of god... Life feels a bit empty doesn't it whereas before perhaps you felt more complete Just be careful what you fill that void with I filled it with work (not the best thing to do in my case) Really Take a look around and tell me what you see What does your world look like? Quote: All things work for the good of those who love Him. |
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 6:05 pm
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Manual Calavera lordstar elohiim thestarthatshines wow, you are amazing. You may not feel close to God, but let me tell you something, you're faith is absolutely mind blowing. It may feel like you're not as close to God, but it's not true. As dragon said, he's always with you. Every Christian goes through periods where they don't feel as close to God as they had been, but these are times when we have to grow, and fully depend on God to get us through - even if it feels like he's not responding. Read your bible, pray, go to church - even if the closest church isn't the one you'd like, in times like these it helps to surround yourself with other believers. Just try them out and see, you may be surprised. =3 yeah but i dont feel like gods pulling from me, i feel like im going from him, like im un-intentially blocking him out... theres this moving thing...to a new school, i feel like maybe a part of it is because... well ive been trying to make some close friends, and maybe ive been focusing on that too much instead of god... Life feels a bit empty doesn't it whereas before perhaps you felt more complete Just be careful what you fill that void with I filled it with work (not the best thing to do in my case) Really Take a look around and tell me what you see What does your world look like? I would also add to the excellent advice to 'be careful what you fill that void with' that whatever you fill it with, give God some time in there, too. Never neglect Him, 'cause when the world and the enemy are at their worst and most against you, God will never turn his back on those who love Him. It says in the Bible Quote: All things work for the good of those who love Him.
Things you can do that will pass the time and score you some God time:
1) Help an old lady cross the street (no comments from the peanut gallery plz)
2) Become a peer tutor/lead a study group
3) Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity (the nail gun is good times)
4) Once again, ACS could always use some help
5) I think you get the idea now |
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 6:38 pm
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lordstar Things you can do that will pass the time and score you some God time: 1) Help an old lady cross the street (no comments from the peanut gallery plz) 2) Become a peer tutor/lead a study group 3) Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity (the nail gun is good times) 4) Once again, ACS could always use some help 5) I think you get the idea now
The attitude I take is that doing these things is a few things:
1: An outward sign to others that Christians selflessly help others. We are all ambassadors for Christ.
2: Doing these things will help cultivate a humble, selfless, servant spirit that pleases the Lord.
3: The more we tend that spirit, the more we wish to do these things.
I know you guys may all know this already, but some people do have the attitude that doing good works on earth will somehow let them buy their way into heaven or closeness with God without taking time reading and meditating on God's word. |
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 7:12 pm
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Manual Calavera lordstar Things you can do that will pass the time and score you some God time: 1) Help an old lady cross the street (no comments from the peanut gallery plz) 2) Become a peer tutor/lead a study group 3) Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity (the nail gun is good times) 4) Once again, ACS could always use some help 5) I think you get the idea now We are justified by faith, not by works. While I agree wholeheartedly with everything lordstar says in the above, I would also add that doing these things won't "buy back" God's love or any better mansion in Heaven. The attitude I take is that doing these things is a few things: 1: An outward sign to others that Christians selflessly help others. We are all ambassadors for Christ. 2: Doing these things will help cultivate a humble, selfless, servant spirit that pleases the Lord. 3: The more we tend that spirit, the more we wish to do these things. I know you guys may all know this already, but some people do have the attitude that doing good works on earth will somehow let them buy their way into heaven or closeness with God without taking time reading and meditating on God's word.
If you want to ADD to the list that could be very helpful
btw you might want to be a bit more choosy when using absolutes
Because you are now bordering on violating the guild rules for now a third time
Just know that your ideas do not represent all Christian denominations
You might be right about not being able to "buy back" God's love and whatnot but why should that stop people from trying? Hey at least they tried to be good right? |
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