natsuki: the story of a catgirl princess

[natsuki34]

hey peoples this is thee story of natsuki i realy hope you comment so i can inprove her story and get it published!

please comment!!




the queen sat holding her forbidden child, "you must take her sister i cant keep her", she said. "sister i cannot take her i have 5 children already". i can deal with her sister i will take care of her. goodbye my sweet wisperd the nymph queen to her new born child. as she put the child in the basket the aunt muterd to herself "good ridance". as her aunt took her to the river the child slept soundly, "goodbye you vile thing" she said harshly as the baby floated away.



i will continue when i get the chance check back often i will post more i promise gotta go! bye!!  

[TroIIer]

the beginging was that great. um.. i need to add alot more " story type " to your story your writing .  

[Kyouka_Maiden_Rei]

that was a pretty good beginning 3nodding  

[Kaizuke Zaife]

If you really truly want to get this story you're working on published, you need to do A LOT of spelling, grammar, and punctuation fixing. The publishers won't do it for you.

Also, that was the most INDESCRIPTIVE beginning of a story I have ever read.

I wrote a story back in middle school, around when I was 13 or so, and the introduction to the story was two or three pages long.

Seriously though, type up all the ideas for your story on a notepad file or something, save it on your computer somewhere, come back in a year or two, and try it again, because by then you will have completed more of school and know a little more about the English language, and your story will be a LOT better.

Don't take this as bashing either, I'm giving you comments and advice on how to better your writing.

This is probably how it SHOULD look with corrected spelling, grammar, and punctuation:

Quote:

The queen sat, holding her forbidden child, "You must take her, sister, I can't keep her", she said.
"Sister, I cannot take her, I have five children already."
"I can deal with her, sister, I will take care of her."
"Goodbye, my sweet," whispered the nymph queen to her new born child.
As she put the child in the basket the aunt muttered to herself, "Good riddance."
As her aunt took her to the river, the child slept soundly, "Goodbye, you vile thing," she said harshly as the baby floated away.

Every time someone speaks, you're supposed to start a new line and either double-space or Tab. I did double-spacing because Tab won't work right.

Also, when numbers are used in a story, generally they are typed out. You see with the number 5, I typed it out as "five". The only cases I know of where a number number can actually be used are in things like:

"Captain! The starship S422 Logatania has been hit!" The crew-mate shouted across the control room. "Their shields are down, they could be gone with the next attack!"

and

"Baby, you know how much I've missed you..." Kensington mumbled over the phone. "Please, can you meet me tonight? In front of my apartment at 263 East 3rd street."

In the first example, the numbers were used as a name for an object, in this case, a starship. In the second example, the numbers were used for Kensington's apartment address.

I'm sure there are other examples, but those are the ones I came up with.

If I saw more of the story, I'd be able to help out a bit more.  

[Aya_Momo]

In a story you need to pay attention to specific details. Like if you need more for your intro describe the nymph queen and the baby and how the sisters look. I'd say you just gave a small synopsis of your intoduction. Work on it a bit more, we can help.  

[natsuki34]

i didnt put much detail cause i wasnt sure how it would start sweatdrop now i do and will rewrite it so it will be better me and my friend are working it out 3nodding  

[natsuki34]

curtesy of natsuki343 for helping me out alot!


the nymph queen let the basket float down the river.
"goodbye" she wispered quietly waving to the basket as it drifted out of sight.

"oh my"queen mai said as she watched a basket float tward the bank,"lily whats in that basket over there",
"i do not know misstress"said the ladys maid.
the queen picked up the basket and looked inside,
"oh my its a child!" she exclaimed. "lily when the king comes back we will ask him if we may keep her" queen mai declared prowdly, "and if were allowed to keep her i will name her natsuki!!"

natsuki herd a scream and sat up oh no she thought he actually killed someone i told mom he would but she didnt think he could get that crazy. later that day she saw a large bundle taken to the nearby swamp she wanted to see who had died so she hide untill the "dumpers" left. natsuki walked over to the body
"oh no its lily!" she cried!

yay its better!  

[natsuki34]

the reason the first one sucked is cause i didnt have my thoughts strait about the begining but ive got it all worked out! whee  

[Sesshys]

not a bad story ^^  

[Starlightxxx]

nice biggrin

plz keep it up ^^ heart heart heart luv it wink