My first poem, please comment<3

[myboomerangwontcomeback]

okay this is the first time ive ever writen a poem so could you please tell me what you think of it?

my god walks with me,
i wont die for you anymore,
by the grace of god
jesus died for us
you only torchor us
you will never make me leave,
i will wear this on my sleeve
i believe the bible,
so give me your poison
give me your pills
give me your broken hearts and make me ill
fire at will
i will never leave
i walk with the son, the god and the holy spirit,
you're running after something you'll never kill
by the grace of god jesus died for us
i will wear this on my sleeve
to the end

by me!  

[myboomerangwontcomeback]

please tell me?  

[Gambol]

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okay this is the first time ive ever writen a poem so could you please tell me what you think of it?

I remember your name.

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my god walks with me,

Let's set things straight: God ought to be capitalized. (This line also reminds me of that "Jesus walks with me" song by that West dude.)

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i wont die for you anymore,

Who is "you"? You go through the poem and leave no hints.

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by the grace of god
jesus died for us

Be aware that you could write entire poems about the above. Generalities aren't good ideas in poetry. Don't forget to capitalize who you worship.

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you only torchor us

Now you throw in the first person plural. Confusing? I think so.
(By the way, it's "torture". But I'm not sure how this line builds up your poem - it's rather hollow.

Quote:

you will never make me leave,
i will wear this on my sleeve

Random inclusion of rhyme = bad idea. Either incorporate it throughout your poem, or just leave it out. Once again, the "you" is unexplained. I don't care if you know who "you" is - I sure don't. I can guess, but it's better to drop hints along the way than let me grab at straws.

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i believe the bible,

I do, too. I also think that this line doesn't complement the following ones.

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so give me your poison
give me your pills
give me your broken hearts and make me ill
fire at will

Random rhymes, yet again. What poison? What pills? You appear to borrow lines from songs you've heard - and that's a very, very bad idea. (Not only is it bad taste, it's plagiarism.)
"Poison" and "pills" are left out in the open. What do they mean? And why should the reader be concerned? Don't be didactic in telling me why I should care - describe them to me in a way that I should be concerned.

Quote:

i will never leave
i walk with the son, the god and the holy spirit,
you're running after something you'll never kill
by the grace of god jesus died for us
i will wear this on my sleeve
to the end

Line one and line five of this excerpt randomly rhyme - and in a forced manner, too.
Line four has already been stated.
Line two has been stated previously, as well.
Line six is a rather bland ending.


What you need are some poetic devices, used to build up your poem. Remember: poems are short. There should be no filler lines; everything needs to be said for a purpose. Vagueness is not cool. Either make a character a major part of your poem, or don't include him/her at all.

That is all. (Hey, what happened to that critique thread? Did it vanish while I was at Philly?)  

[myboomerangwontcomeback]

wow thats alot of opinion  

[myboomerangwontcomeback]

it was called dear saton and i wrote it in about 20 mins so it aint really supposed to be purfect  

[Gambol]

myboomerangwontcomeback

it was called dear saton and i wrote it in about 20 mins so it aint really supposed to be purfect

I go by the "no excuses" policy.

Think about it: if we lived our lives making excuses, where would we go? What good would we be doing for the body of the church?

Effort is effort, and I critique accordingly.  

[myboomerangwontcomeback]

wtf  

[Kuroda Yumi]

myboomerangwontcomeback

wtf

I like your poem. I wrote a poem too.
its in the guild forums somewhere  

[tubbyflip]

i like your poem to and i thought it was rude what that guy said to but i like it  

[Atarashi No Sensei]

myboomerangwontcomeback

wtf

She was just trying to help. If you had time, maybe you should rewrite it using her suggestions.

For 20 minutes, that poem is pretty good!  

[dirtdevilgrunt13]

Nice job.  

[Mintie_Mitsuki]

Great Job for it being your first one and for only 20 minutes! ^.^  

[Haven923]

Gambol, do you mind lightening up? She made it clear that it is her first poem. Was your first poem a work of art? I bet not. It was probally horrible. We all start off bad. You don't have to criticize every single line. And by the way, You need to learn to understand symbolism. She uses it throughout the poem and I noticed that you were criticizing her on it. The pills and poisons, those are most likely the lies and ways of the world. It isn't that hard to understand what she is saying....