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 Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 12:44 pm
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Episode 1 - Pilot: School is back in session after a long summer away and a new transfer student arrives on campus. Incoming freshman should be sure to attend mandatory orientation!
“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster . . . when you gaze long into the abyss the abyss also gazes into you.” Welcome to NVU.
[theme]
I have to say it's good to be back in my cubicle on the third floor of the communications department bringing the latest community news to all of you, listeners. In fact, it's good to be back in general at our beautiful campus nestled like a star sapphire among the sandy dunes, flowering cacti, and miles and miles of absolute nothingness. And I know quite a bit of the student body feels the same! For many of us, after a long summer spent wallowing in the financial futility of student loan debt or attempting to sell our souls to merciless underlords for deliverance out of said debt, it's a thrill to see familiar faces and limbs walking about.
With classes starting this coming Monday, things are already starting to heat up around the University-- I mean that. Literally. Over the course of the past six hours, the temperature has spiked from a moderately balmy 99° to a record-breaking 156° degrees Fahrenheit. --Hold on. Make that 157. This life-threatening influx of heat shows no signs of letting up, even after the sun has set. Up here, in my cubicle on the third floor of the communications department, the thermostat is set to 74, but for all of you out there, well... I hope you remembered to bring sunscreen and protective eyewear!
A new student came to our school recently. I ran into him yesterday evening when I went down to the Rec Room to purchase a Snickers bar from the vending machine located there (everyone knows that the peanuts in the Snickers bars dispensed by the vending machine in the Alfred P. Manning building are stale and riddled with vermin). He was standing beside the foosball table. All at once I found myself wondering... who is he? What does he want from our school? Why his perfect and beautiful haircut? Why his perfect and beautiful bookish spectacles? I could not summon the courage to go speak with him directly but... I overheard him speaking to another student. He said he was a Science Major and had transferred from another University. But why now? And why here?
Students intending to purchase textbooks for their registered courses are encouraged to do so at the Campus Bookstore, located by the west entrance to the Meal Hall. Purchases made through third-parties such as Amazon.com or Chegg.com are strictly forbidden. You are being monitored. Violators will be punished to the full extent of the law. So come on down to the affordable and easily-accessible Campus Bookstore, located by the west entrance to the Meal Hall. The Campus Bookstore's hours are 3AM to 7AM Monday through Wednesday, 8:45PM to 11:11PM Friday, and 11:59AM to 12:04PM on the weekends. The Campus Bookstore is closed on Thursdays as well as all Federal Holidays. For your convenience, you may also purchase books through the Campus Bookstore's website, which can be accessed by typing the following URL into your browser's navigation bar: h-t-t-p, colon, slash, slash, w-w-w, dot-- [long loud beep] dot com, slash [long loud beep]
That new Science Major we now know is named Carlos was down at the Meal Hall this morning. His hair is perfect, even at eight in the morning, it would seem. I hadn't intended to speak with him... in fact, I intended to stare at him and his perfect hair in awe and admiration unseen from afar, but when he saw I was alone at my table in the Dining Hall, he asked if he could join me. Well, listeners, I couldn't hardly say no-- actually, recalling it now, it felt as though a nail had been forcibly rammed through my tongue into my lower jaw, so I had to just nod. Carlos told me that we are, by far, the most scientifically interesting University in the US, and he had come to study just what is going on around here. He grinned at me, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.
After that, Carlos excused himself to grab a coffee from Leslie's Espresso. No one does a cup of joe like Leslie's Espresso. No one.
This is a message for all you incoming freshman out there. Mandatory Orientation is this weekend! Not being present will forfeit everything you hold dear. New students will be greeted in the morning by our President, Pamela Winchell during an introductory speech welcoming the new generation to our institution and wishing them an ominous 'Good luck.'. Refreshments will be served after. Following the intermission, all freshman will be herded into the undercellar beneath the school for their psychiatric evaluations and subsequential living assignments before being released to enjoy an afternoon of gay frivolity and live musical performance on the school lawn. Most important of all, orientation will be a time for incoming students to mix and mingle with their peers and get to know one another while they still can...
Now I know, this may be a potentially frightening new chapter in your lives-- I know because I myself was a freshman so many and yet so few years ago. I know because I too remember the night the Admissions Department staff broke down the front door of my parents' home, tranquilized my family (including my Corgi/Jack Rusell terrier mix-breed Ruffles... he was such a cutie) to stifle their protestation, and threw an impermeable black sack as dark as the soot-encrused mineshafts of the coal mine beneath our good Night Vale over my head before I could even cry out for help. ... I remember awaking in an unfamiliar place, just as you did, the lingering scent of chloroform still stinging in my nostrils and a dull ache in my left ear canal like something had been inserted there. I remember groping blindly to figure out who I had once been... who I once knew... and if I'd ever been at all.
But do not fear! NVU is your new home! And after a semester here, you'll feel the same pride and devotion for your school as we do! Just look at all the things NVU has to offer you-- all the opportunities! Your whole life is ahead of you, with the education you receive here at NVU its foundation. You were selected for a reason, freshmen. And while that reason may not yet be apparent to you, the Admissions Department saw something in you that they wanted. And the Admissions Department is to never be questioned. Never.
And now a quick word from our sponsors! Tired of dragging your beanbag chairs and desklamps and other inconsequential items up to your dorm room? Wish there was an easier, less back-breaking way to settle into your new living space? Sick of all your internal organs taking up space inside your chest and body cavities? Well aren't you in luck! Eddy's Movers and Disembowelment will happily do all of that for you! Let Eddy take care of moving all your heavy furniture, back-to-school supplies, and organs into your new home at Night Vale University. Eddy's Movers and Disembowelment: You can trust Eddy! Please note: an extra charge will be added for futons and individuals with more than one functioning kidney.
I was thinking about it and... well, it occured to me that NVU doesn't actually offer a Science Major, nor does it have a Science Department. Art History? Sure! Applied Theoretical Mathematics? You bet'cha! Viticulture, Bowling Industry Management, Pharmaceutical Philosophy? All that and more! But never in all of NVU's proud and honorable history has there ever been such a thing as a Science Major. Which begs the question. Does Carlos know NVU doesn't offer a Science Major? Or is there something he's just not telling us? I don't know, listeners. I don't know.
We break now for the weather...
[Imagine Dragons: Radioactive]
Welcome back listeners. It's time now for our relationship advice segment. Should you break up with your jerk of a boyfriend? Yes.
Unicycle Basketball try-outs are starting this coming week, students! They will be held in the gymnasium from ten to six on both Tuesday and Wednesday. Unicycles and all other equipment will be provided. If you're athletically inclined and gravitationally unchallenged, I encourage you to show up for try-outs! Show your stuff and you may well become a part of the greatest Unicycle Basketball team west of the Rocky Mountains-- the Night Vale Scorpions! [rattlesnake] ...Hey, who replaced the scorpion soundbyte with a rattlesnake? Marcus, could you memo that to Management? ... Yes, Management. ... Yes, the forboding ebony door on the restricted fourth floor. ... No, don't knock, just write it on a sticky note and slip it under the door. ... Ugh, fine, I'll do it myself after the broadcast; where do they get these spineless undergraduates?
*Clears throat* Sorry about that, listeners. You know I never like to interrupt a broadcast, unless it's for something important. After all, if not for the sweet melody of my voice transmitting across the air waves, where would you all get up-to-date campus news? *Hums* I think it's going to be a pleasant evening tonight, NVU. I hope you have someone to share it with. I wonder what Carlos is doing... Do you think he remembers me from this morning?? Well, no matter. Enjoy the rest of your evening, listeners, with whomever you are with, or without. Goodnight, NVU, goodnight.
Welcome to Night Vale University is a fan-made alternate universe work, based off of and inspired by Welcome to Night Vale; it is written, voiced and edited by Zphal. Original music by Disperation, all of it is available to be downloaded and used for free at Disperition.info. This episode's weather was 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons-- enjoy the full version by buying it on iTunes. Check out welcometonightvaleuniversity.tumblr.com for more info. Today's proverb: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. ...Unless the needs of the few are particularly heavy, in which case they're about equal.
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Posted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 3:20 pm
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Episode 2 - Punchcard Ordinance: A decline in GPA prompts the University Council to pass a new controversial ordinance.
"When bathing or showering it is best to avoid the use of extremely hot water as it has a tendency to irritate and intensify extreme dry skin conditions." Welcome to NVU.
[theme]
It's another fabulous day here at Night Vale University! Which I say with only a questionable amount of sarcasm. As the semester proceeds, the "food" offered at the Meal Hall becomes more and more akin to a tasteless, textureless pulp, stress across campus rises, and grades plummet hopelessly towards almost certain failure. I'll remind students it's not to late to file for an Incomplete! You might be thinking, 'Cecil, that's an awfully irresponsible solution!' But listen, if there's anything college has taught me, it's that forestalling the inevitable always works out in the long run!
If you're taking one of Old Professor Josie's courses, you may have reason to stop contemplating the verisimilitude of your mortality and attend one of the many supplementary instruction sessions now available. The sheer volume of courses prevents Old Professor Josie from conducting the SI sessions herself, but she assures her students that her band of Angels know the material in and out and will be more than happy to go over problems and help with homework assignments. Not everyone can actually see the Angels, but Old Professor Josie has said that in this case, students should address their questions toward the front of the room and wait patiently for the answers to appear on the chalkboard. The Blessed are guaranteed a full letter grade improvement. Or, at very least, an ephemeral sense of self-satisfaction.
Students looking to park their vehicles today should take note that lots A and B are currently closed so campus security can investigate the numerous reports that had been filed this past weekend involving hot-boxing marmosets. It would seem the stoned but otherwise adorable creatures have beset the automobiles belonging to the commutor population, attempting to, as one student so put it, "Get us in trouble.", denying all claims that the plastic baggies stuffed to capacity with high-grade marijuana in their glove compartments 'are not theirs'. Thus far, no evidence of the marmosets existence has been found, including but not limited to, pawprints, fur, and fecal matter. Until the cuddly little lawbreakers can be found and arrested on the charge of illegal substance abuse, students are urged to find parking where available on the street or in the interdimensional parking structure located on South Campus, past the Art Department or on North Campus to the west of the Meal Hall, depending on where it decides to exist today.
That Science Major I've mentioned before, Carlos? As luck would have it, he and I have a class together this semester!-- Ethics in the Workplace. Now, I don't know if any of you listeners out there have this course required for your major, but let me say right now that it is a complete waste of time. What even are ethics anyway? Have you ever seen these "ethics" in action? If we can't see them, what good are they? I've been told that ethics govern a person or group's behavior-- just who do they think they are anyway? As a self-governing individual, I think we should all take a stand against the fascist death-grip of ethics and let our voices be heard! Anyway, because of the complexity of the subject matter, I asked Carlos if he'd like to study together sometime, and gave him my cellular phone number. ... Mind you, he hasn't phoned me once yet, nor do I think he actually acknowledged my giving it to him. *Sighs* I wonder if he listens to me sometimes...
In response to the alarming decline in grade point average at NVU, the University Council has ratified an ordinance that will eliminate grades altogether and replace them with a 'Punch Card' system. President Pamela Winchell was quoted as saying, "Grades are an objective manifestation of the education system, and the absence of tangible consequences do not serve as proper motivation for students." She paused a moment, jaw going slack... pupils widening until they completely eclipsed her irises, and went on to add, "Our true focus should be learning. Learning. LEARNING." before signing the document with the blood of a newborn Satyr, as is required for all important University documents. Under this ordinance, students will no longer receive merit-based letter grades on tests and assignments, but rather be given a punchcard at the beginning of every week which will be punched when schoolwork is completed satisfactorily. Failure to fill a punchcard before the specified deadline will result in suspension, the length of which will vary from infraction to infraction as is deemed sufficient. Students will be put in irons and serve out said suspensions in the coal mines beneath the school grounds. Personally, I never saw anything wrong with the old system, but then, I'm no Education Management major; perhaps one day Universities across the US will adopt the Punchcard Ordinance into their own regimens. Until then, we'll continue to supply 90% of hand-picked fossil fuel to the Coal Power Plant on the edge of Night Vale-- the proceeds of which in no way fund the school or any of its clubs, most especially the Green Earth Mission club's propaganda on the importance of clean energy.
And now for a list of words I've been asked to recite. Aloof. Ambiguous. Androgyny. Bipolar. Polar bear. Phillips Head Screwdriver. Unilateral. Help Desk. Quesadilla. That concludes the list of words I've been asked to recite. Thanks for listening!
The National Rifle Association's Collegiate Shooting Program released a statement yesterday saying "Guns don't kill people; poptarts do." The statement was made in reaction to the uproar spurred by the unfortunate tragedy that befell NVU's pistol championship last Wednesday. During the mid-championship recess, students were given poptarts to abate their hunger while they awaited results. In a twisted turn of events however, several students reportedly 'bit into their rectangular glazed breakfast pastries in order to recreate the likeness of a two-dimensional gun and began playfully shooting at one another with sound effects made with their mouths'. Many of said students were actually diabetic, went into hyperglycemia and had to be rushed to Night Vale Urgent Care for immediate amputation. Jimmy Walsh, one of the students requiring hospitalization, wrote in to tell the station "I don't mind not having a right foot anymore... I never used it all that much anyway." That's the spirit, Jimmy-- your outspoken detatchment to your appendages is an inspiration to us all! Additionally, the families touched by the tragedy will all be receiving compensation from the proceeds of Kellogg's advertisements for their newest product-- Sugar-Free Pop Tarts! Mmm, sounds delicious.
You're sitting at your desk when it begins. A slight, but persistant tingling itch on your left forearm. You reach over to give it a scratch. But upon conclusion of this absent gesture you become increasingly aware that the itch has not gone away. A harder scrape of fingernails, leaving reddened irritation on the skin but that itch, that itch has not fled... in fact, it is now the predominant thought in your mind, the incessant need to get rid of that itch... and now you're clawing madly at your arm, abrasions forming on the surface of your flesh-- is it spreading? It won't go away! You dig the lacerations deeper, rip the flesh from your very forearm to gouge your nails into the exposed bleeding tissue, but there is no relief. There will never be relief. You should have avoided the use of extremely hot water while bathing and/or showering. You should have read the warning label on the reverse of the 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner.
This message brought to you by Bath & Body Works.
Ah thank you, Johnathon. My undergraduate Johnathon here was nice enough to bring me a steaming cup of coffee from Leslie's Espresso. [slurping noise] Mm, Johnathon? It would appear you forgot the creamer. ... Well, could you run back and get it for me? ... What do you mean you barely escaped the clutches of the barista last time? ... So... you're telling me the barista is a tri-horned, fork-tongued creature from the underworld... and that he almost drug you down into the pits of Hell? ... I don't see why that would have caused you to forget creamer. ... Just run back and get it, you'll be fine.
Well, now that that's taken care of, I'm going to sit back a minute and enjoy my currently creamless coffee. In the meantime, sit back yourselves and enjoy the weather...!
[Rob Zombie - Dead City Radio]
I hope you enjoyed the break, listeners. We've received an update to the situation surrounding grade point averages and the University Council's new ordinance. As it turns out, GPA at Night Vale University isn't actually falling as previously reported-- at least, not any more than usual for this time of year. The false grades were the result of a computer virus infecting the school's digital infrastructure (as is fairly common during the Fall, I mean, flu season is coming-- remember to get your shots at the on-campus clinic!). The first to falsify the bogus grades was none other than Carlos, who presented the discrepancy in his returned homework and the grade he was receiving in the class with something called... algebra. He is just sooo smart. As a school, I think we should be glad to count Carlos among us; he is, without a doubt, an asset to this fine institution we are forced to call home.
The school has not yet decided if they will be phasing out the Punchcard Ordinance, despite the discovery. I've heard it's been working 'pretty well'! And why not? Really, there's nothing wrong with a little back-breaking, finger-blistering manual labor. It puts perspective on things. Gives you time to get introspective. Question the life choices that brought you to this point. Make plans for new life choices... possibly better ones. Re-live your worst nightmares. Or even daydream. Daydream about... the things that could be. Especially those things that are so far out of reach as to be unattainable, except in your dreams. Those are the best dreams of all.
Dream well tonight, listeners. I know I will be. Goodnight, NVU. Goodnight.
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Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:35 pm
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Episode 3 - The Phone Call: During the broadcast, Cecil receives a phone call from someone he least expects, and light is shed on the downturn in the Meal Hall's food quality.
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Welcome to NVU.
[theme]
Hello again, listeners. If you're able to hear the sound of my voice, you're most likely still alive and possess functioning cochlea. Give yourself a pat on the back. That's it. Doesn't that feel good? I thought it would.
Quite a few announcements to get through this evening. First and foremost, students wishing to access the library over the course of the next couple weeks should do so through the spinning pink and gold wormhole of the Ruthguard dormitory (not to be confused with the lavender and gold wormhole that spins counter-clockwise and leads to the Fitness Center). The main entrance of the library has been coned off and is undergoing renovation to make it accessible to the school's paranormal paraplegic population. While they are capable of levitating across the ground like any other ghost, and thus have no need for handicap ramps and/or elevators, they insist that the needs they once had when they were living be met now in their after-life, and to not do so would not only be discriminatory on our parts and make us all able-ists slash living-ists, but also really hurt their feelings. And we don't want to do that. No sir-ee.
The on-campus clinic has been working tirelessly to administer vacinations to all students afflicted with the recent outbreak of Senoritis. If you think you or anyone you know has contracted his debilitating disease, DO NOT PANIC. I repeat, do not panic. Follow this self-accessment checklist of common symptoms. One: Are you within 36 credits of graduating? Two: Are you suffering from perpetual laziness and procrastination? Three: Have you been failing to complete assignments on time or been consistently arriving to class late for any reason other than "It doesn't matter because I'm almost out of this Hell hole."? Four: Is your body covered from head-to-toe with festering boils? If you answered 'yes', 'no', 'maybe', 'I haven't checked' or 'Reply hazy, ask again later' to any of these questions, please schedule a doctor's appointment immediately.
We have a special treat tomorrow afternoon listeners. NVU Alum Gwyneth Rusher will be doing a book signing from 2pm to 5pm in the school auditorium to promote her Best Selling Novel "What Am I Doing with my Life and Why Does it Matter?" The book has received several awards! Including the Bradberry Berrybrad award for Best Page-Turner. The Huffington Post calls it 'Insightful. Philosophical.' while science fiction writer Stephen King lauds it for it's 'utter lack of purpose and nonchalant portrayal of the human condition'. The station gave me a copy, which is sitting here on my desk; I'll read an excerpt: *skimming through pages* Just let me get a little mood music going… *needle drop* "…the day-to-day seems so pointless… like walking on an endless path through a forest of deciduous trees, watching the leaves change from green to red and yellow and falling to speckle the ground that soon is covered in glistening powdery snow that melts to give way to the ground again as blossoms form and bud in magnificent pastels on the reaching branches… year after year, new saplings pushing up from the hewn dirt, old tree trunks thickening as each ring builds upon itself… and yet, we are wandering down that path only to grow old and join the leaves." *Hums and closes book* That is poignant. Gwyneth is a stellar example of what NVU graduates go on to accomplish despite cripplingly nihilistic standpoints. Be sure to pick up a copy!
So, I'm sure if you're attending this stellar institution of ours, you've run into The Foreign Exchange Student at one point or another. You know the one. This is that clearly white guy who wears that cartoonishly inaccurate Native American headdress and snakeskin moccasins? Yeah, I thought so. Now, never minding that even if he were of American Indian descent that he'd still be a domestic attendee, the fact that he insists he's from overseas is absolutely preposertous on his strong Brooklyn accent alone. It's like… um, who do you think you're fooling? And yet, he was last seen Monday afternoon giving an informational speech at the Youth Minority Coalition on how he uses his 'Indian Magicks' to divine a spirit animal up from the tainted soil of his hallowed ancestors. Ridiculous. 'Divine'? Clearly he meant 'conjure'. What an a*****e. In case anyone is curious, the spirit animal in question was a raccoon.
Now to our advice segment. Make sure to maintain good posture; it's important to keep your spine. Avoid situtations. Worms; oh my God, WORMS. That concludes our advice segment.
Have you gone outside lately? Did me asking that give you the sudden urge to go outside? Did you repress that urge because doing something just because someone suddenly asked you if you'd done that something recently is really silly? Do you think that things should only be done if we think to do them all on our own and that if someone asks you to do something it is justifiable to purposefully not do that thing when you might have done it had you thought to do it before being asked to? When did you last brush your teeth? Are you getting enough fiber in your diet? You should really call your mom and tell her you love her; she misses you, you know!
This message brought to you by YOUR MOM.
There's been quite a bit of hubbub going around about the so-called nourishment being served at the Meal Hall as of late. Accounts of food poisoning and caloric over-abundance have been just a few of the complaints, mostly met by the University Council with the statement that its students are 'all a bunch of whiney babies; when we were your age, we had to walk ten miles to the butcher through sleet and hail just for a slab of raw buffalo shank which we then had to carry all ten miles back to roast it over a spit'. I myself try to avoid the Meal Hall as much as possible with Top Ramen and Mac n' Cheese, but sometimes these things cannot be circumvented, I'll admit. But in light of these gastric disturbances, I went down to see if I could catch a scoop-- and boy did I. A free vanilla and chocolate swirl soft serve ice cream piled up seven inches tall on a waffle cone. I think I put on five pounds. I'm not really sure. Not since the University banned weight scales after the FFFFF, also known as the Freshman Fifteen Fiasco of February Fifteenth. Anyway, while enjoying my frozen treat, I spoke with John Peters-- you know, the Cafeteria Worker? He said that the decline in food quality had to do with--
[Cell phone chime] … Is that…? Is that my…? My sincerest apologies, listeners. It would seem that I accidentally forgot to silence my cell phone prior to the broadcast. Just allow me to… there we go. How utterly embarrassing. It was likely nothing of importance-- a home consolidation loan offer or that calling list for Young Libertarians that I never meant to get on but can't seem to get off of. Certainly nothing that needs answering now; we're on air! Just because this is college radio doesn't mean it isn't a professional setting.
*Clears throat* Now where was I? Ah yes, John Peters-- you know, the Cafeteria Worker? He said the decline in food quality was a direct result of the University's decision to replace all trained chefs with Food Synthesizers. As I understand it, the process of reconstituting food on an atomic level into edible and FDA-approved provisions is tricky at best, so as much as it pains me to admit it, perhaps we have been being pretty big whiners. Everyone knows that technology won't be perfected until the 23rd century aboard Federation Starships. I conclude that we should take up our spoons, gag down as much Meal Hall slop as our tastebuds will allow, and be proud that our University is yet again ahead of its time.
Well. That solved, let's go now to… the weather…!
[Radio Romance - Tiffany]
Listeners! I just checked my cellphone during the break and that call I got? It was from Carlos!! I'm going to play it. Not because I'm excited or anything, but because it's relevant. Okay. Here we go.
"Hey… Cecil, is it? Hi. This is Carlos. From our Ethics in the Workplace course? Yeah. I think I might have accidentally copied down the most recent homework assignment incorrectly… When I turn to page 348 in the textbook, the pages ignite in green flame and begin to turn to ash until I close it. Could you… maybe get back to me with the corrections? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks."
Did you hear that, listeners? He knows my name!! I've got to call him back. He's depending on me! Those of you taking section 4 of Ethics in the Workplace, page 348 is one of the pages assigned to us by Professor Bates, but if you're encountering the same difficulty as dear, sweet, perfect Carlos, it is likely because not everyone in the class has completely finished the problems found on the prior page 347. Professor Bates discourages overachievement among his students because it puts stress on the underachievers and he says that if the overachievers really want to get ahead, they'll have to help the underachievers get on the same page and then everyone will simply be achievers.
Speaking of homework, I really need to spend some time building my Public Relations Portfolio. If you're interested in helping out, write in telling the station what a great guy I am! Stay tuned for the sound of your own birth. Goodnight, NVU. Goodnight.
Welcome to Night Vale University is a fan-made alternate universe work, based off of and inspired by Welcome to Night Vale; it is written, voiced and edited by Zphal. The voice of Carlos is Chevysk. Original music by Disperation, all of it is available to be downloaded and used for free at Disperition.info. This episode's weather was 'Radio Romance' by Tiffany-- enjoy the full version by buying it on iTunes. Feel free to send your questions to Cecil or Carlos at welcometonightvaleuniversity.tumblr.com/ask. We want to thank ungraduate Billy Rodriguez for his willingness to co-operate. Today's proverb: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Good Intentions paving stones are now half-price at Jimbo's Concrete Mixer Rental and Pathway Pavillion. Stop on in and get a free gazebo consultation!
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Posted: Wed Sep 18, 2013 12:51 pm
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Episode 4 - The Dangers of Formication: Cecil is feeling lonely with the majority of the student body gone on the Meat and Meat Alternative field trip. Unluckily, some spiders drop in to say hello.
"Had he known his death was imminent, he might have gone somewhere else. Instead he did what we all do. He went about his dull routine as if all the days in the world were still to come." Welcome to NVU.
[theme]
It's a pleasure to have you joining me tonight, listeners, those of you who are. Many of you elected to go on the campus-wide field trip to the Meat and Meat Alternatives Cannery. I can't believe station management insisted I had to stay-- I mean, what exactly is the point of doing a broadcast when there's no one to listen to it? Unless… well, unless someone else is listening… no, that's just silly!
Speaking of unfair decisions made on the part of station management, a notice went up in the lounge yesterday decreeing that the cubicles of all work study employees (such as yours truly) will be subject to the Positivity-Negativity Neutrality Act. To be in accordance, your cubicle must display an equal amount of positivity and negativity. Too much of one or the other will result in re-education for the violator. I, for one, am outraged. This is my workspace. Shouldn't I have a right to choose how I decorate it? On the other hand, I suppose I can kind of understand management's decision… Glenda's collection of human ears severed from the heads of her enemies and strung on hemp twine in the criss-crossed pattern of a pentagram on the second floor is a bit chilling. Thankfully, I found a rather asthetically-pleasing demotivational poster to hang next to my Hang In There Kitten poster. It says: "Wishes. When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor."
On that subject, today's meteorological forecast is atmospheric, with a chance of sustained life and partial protection from cosmic radiation. But if you're planning to go out, take your University-issued hazmat poncho just in case.
Oh! Well hello there, little guy. Listeners, it would seem we have a guest to my cubicle on the third floor of the Communications Department. He just dropped down from a space between the ceiling tiles on a nearly microscopic silk string and is dangling right here between my face and the mic. My… that is a nice shiny carapace you have there, Mr. Spider. The hair follicles on your legs are looking swell. You know, I believe I have a book here on my shelf on arachnid classification back from my younger years when I was into Entomology and Lepidopterology-- ah yes, here it is. Let's see. Just get my reading glasses on here. Hmmm… Long spindly legs… fuzzy pedipalps… approximately a third of an inch long... actually, the specimen in front of me bears a strong resemblence to that of a brown recluse. Save… well, it isn't brown, listeners; it's purple. Isn't that fascinating? I wonder if Carlos would like to have a look at you. He is studying to become a scientist, after all. I mean, I still don't know what that means, to be a science major at a school that doesn't teach science, but still. Come here, Mr. Spider, that's a good boy, I have a place for you right here underneath my coffee cup. [captures] There.
A community bulletin has just been forwarded to me, listeners; one of great importance, at least, for those uninterested in suffering a death of infernal agony. It states that the Commercial Fire Protection Agency has been contracted to perform the annual inspection of the fire alarm system in your dormatory sometime within the next week-- a more definite time and date has not been supplied, nor the duration of said inspection, merely sometime within the next week. Be advised that during this process of undeterminable commencement nor length you will hear loud, audible sound alerts off and on throughout the inspection. A maintenance technician will accompany the CFPA during the invasion of your personal living quarters. For... security reasons, of course. You will recognize them by their long, reflective-yellow trenchcoats and beedy black eyes that seem to recess their eyesockets within the concavity of their immutably angered faces. Students are welcomed to seek refuge in the dorm clubhouses during the inspection. Wireless internet will be provided around the pool area, and coffee and light breakfast will be served all hours of the week. While the administration commitee realizes the discomfort this inspection will cause to the entirety of the student body, they remind that to ensure the compliance of the strict fire safety codes, NVU is mandated by the Fire Prevention Bureau of Night Vale to conduct this inspection annually. Furthermore, the administration commitee appreciates your unambiguous understanding and full cooperation during this stressful time. Frequently asked questions, such as 'Why wasn't this inspection performed over summer break when the majority of the dorm occupants were absent?' or 'Help! HELP! The technician's soul is possessed by a demon! Help!!' should be directed to the Student Life office, which as we all know, can be contacted by simply shouting your queries from your dormatory window.
Does anyone listening out there know the answer to 17 Across? I was doing the crossword in this morning's Night Vale Weekly Gazette and I'm stuck. The clue is: "Persephone's fruit." If you know the answer, just phone in to the station.
I let Mr. Spider out for a little while to make sure he could breathe. Did you know that spiders can be taught tricks? Neither did I! I gave him a paperclip and instructed him to slip it onto one of the sticky-notes I left for the undergraduates and he did!
[Knock sounds on door]
He came! Act cool, Cecil. Carlos! Please, come on into the recording booth.
Hey, Cecil; I got your text. You said you had something 'scientifically interesting' to show me?
Uh huh! It's right here. Beneath my coffee cup.
*Sharp inhalation of breath* Cecil, where did you get this??
Why, the little fellow dropped down from the ceiling about five minutes ago to say hello. He's been keeping me company. You might have noticed, the campus is pretty quiet… since everyone decided to go on the field trip to the Meat and Meat Alternatives Cannery.
You should evacuate the building. Tell everyone who's here to get out. I need to run some tests immediately. *Door slams on his way out*
*Sighs* Well. Carlos has gone now, and he's taken my small eight-legged pal with him. Which leaves me alone. Again. In my cubicle on the third floor of the communications department. He didn't even say if he liked my new poster. This day could not be going worse.
[stomach growl] Was that my stomach? I'm just realizing it now, listeners, but I guess I am getting kind of hungry… the Meal Hall is closed because of the field trip and I haven't eaten since this morning… might explain some of my grumpiness. I think maybe I'll get take-out from Lucky Golden Panther Palace. I better look up the number in the phone book. Like the rest of the Chinese and Thai cuisines in town, their listing is incapable of being documented digitally, as I'm sure you know. It has given them the edge in the yellow pages however, as every ad space is devoted to Chinese and Thai cuisines exclusively.
[rotary phone dial] Yes hello, I'd like to place an order for Chicken Chow Mein and Potstickers to-go. … What's that? … You're telling me a "Chicken Alternative" will cost me a dollar less and tastes "just like real chicken"…? … Well, alright then. … I'll have the total upon delivery. [hangs up]
While I wait for my food to arrive, a riddle for you, students. "Railroad crossing, watch out for the cars. Can you spell that without any R's?" The answer will be provided later in the segment.
Wait. What's this? Why, another spider has descended from the ceiling! This one is a most lovely shade of aquamarine. And oh my, he's brought a few friends! Orange, yellow and pink. They are all quite beautiful. So nice of them to join me in my cubicle on the third floor of the communications department. Goodness, there's… there's several dozen lowering from the ceiling now. All around me. Beginning to skitter and crawl on my desk and chair… even across my arms and lap. So many little friends! Just what are you up to my colorful companions? I believe they're spinning. Yes, now I'm quite sure of it. Weaving their gossamer to and fro, winding about my midsection. Hey… now if you keep doing that, I'm not going to be able to get out of my chair. Hey…! I-- oh dear. L-listeners? If there are indeed any of you out there tuned into this broadcast, I… I may be in need of most urgent assistance. At this very instant, a myriad of magnificently multi-colored but mallicious Loxosceles reclusa are enwrapping me in a cocoon, for a purpose I know not. Without help, I may very well be on my way to the silky soft embrace of death. Curse you, Meat and Meat Alternatives, curse you.
While I spend this time making my peace, we go now to… the weather…!
[Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star]
[Brother] The following is a pre-recorded message. We regret to inform you that radio broadcaster Cecil Gershwin Palmer has passed away in unforeseeable active duty. His service is to held at the Auditorium on [whatever date is close]-- [abrupt cut]
Ah, hello, listeners. This is somewhat embarrassing, as it usually is when one begs for help in the face of what they are convinced is most certain death, only to find said death was not so certain after all. Though one has to wonder why station management would have an automated obituary for me… I might want to approach them on that. Orrr perhaps not.
Anyway, as it so turns out, I am to live out my mortal coil for awhile longer. The rainbow recluse were scared off upon the arrival of the delivery man bringing my take-out. He was kind enough to release me from my cocoon, barring I double his tip, and I am now safe and mostly sound consuming my take-out. I was just about to crack open my fortune cookie, actually. [does so] Let's see what it says! "Exercise caution today, especially around Arachnids." … I'm not sure if that's creepy or ironic… Either way, I better go pick up a lotto ticket.
Stay tuned for Gregorian chants recorded from a live performance at a construction site. Goodnight, NVU. Goodnight.
Welcome to Night Vale University is a fan-made alternate universe work, based off of and inspired by Welcome to Night Vale; it is written, voiced and edited by Zphal. The voice of Carlos is Chevysk. Original music by Disperation, all of it is available to be downloaded and used for free at Disperition.info. This episode's weather was 'Video Killed the Radio Star' by Buggles-- enjoy the full version by buying it on iTunes. Feel free to send your questions to Cecil or Carlos at welcometonightvaleuniversity.tumblr.com/ask. Today's proverb:
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Posted: Wed Sep 18, 2013 10:21 pm
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Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 12:37 pm
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Future Episodes:
Do you suffer from the challenge of being tolerant? Do you find youself trying to be tolerant of other people, but just can't quite manage? Do you, in fact, find other people's lifestyles intolerable? Then what you need is the intolerance inhibitor. It's a special device that blocks intolerance from entering the brain and being spoken through the mouth, by blocking intolerance at its source. Installing the intolerance inhibitor is a snap! Simply insert the smooth end of the installation rod into your a**s. Press the button and the installation rod does the rest, implanting the intolerance inhibitor into the tissue of your colon! The process is fast and virtually painless. [scream in background] Best of all, the intolerance inhibitor never needs to be removed, so never again will you struggle with being intolerant. Call within the next fifteen minutes and we'll send you two intolerance inhibitors for the price of one to give to that special intolerable someone in your life! You know the one.
Now for our Relationship Advice segment. Next time you share a night of passion with your lover, shout out the names of celebrities, historical figures, and people from your past during coitus. This will determine if your partner values exclusivity.
http://www.despair.com/wishes.html
Single credit courses: Advanced Semaphore,
USAAA United States Aggregate of Allegations and Appropriation
Stay tuned for [ ], digitally remastered to fit your human hearing frequency.
Remention the NV Scorpions. Cue rattlesnake. Cue Cecil having 'half a mind to stomp up there to management and give them a piece of his mind', cut to the weather, after the break he's cowering.
The Traveling Flea Market stops in Night Vale. Students go to get cheap hand-me-down furniture/clothes, Cecil gets an odd trinket…
[ You Spin Me Round - Dead or Alive ]
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Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 11:03 pm
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