Promises

[Czidnoma]

Not as a religious topic per se, but as it regards spirit and character, I wanted to offer up this subject. And my personal experience I intend only as the first contribution to the discussion, not its focus.

Years ago, I made a promise to close the distance between me and my lover. This promise caused my failures to loom larger. When it took months to find work, I felt I'd broken my promise. When, in a fit of anxiety, I stopped talking to my dear love, I knew I'd broken my promise. After that, when a friend promised me a place to live should I want to flee from Utah at the drop of a hat, guilt ate at me for knowing that to do so would break the promise I'd made to my love.

I have noticed a pattern in which the things I say I am driven to do, I never complete. I privately thought for a long time that I should not make a noise about my aims, that expressing them reduced and devalued them, because it meant I was seeking the support of people who already had no faith in me. I would fight my fears and have faith in myself, I thought. Although putting that into action did help me temper the defensive edge of my ambitiousness, it also caused me to be more critical of the people around me in a way that not long ago became so bitter that I myself found it disturbing.

A few weeks ago, I wrote again to my lover. I was wracked with guilt for going silent and thinking of all the promises I'd made to her. I hoped she would rail at me, that she would be furious and hurt and unforgiving. But she was as I always knew her to be, unfailingly genuine and forgiving. When I made her my priority again, I thought back to when I had weighed my promises to her against the promise a friend made to me.

What I found was the pattern behind never living up to what I said I'd do. Promises objectify what is being promised. They define. And defining gives something to rationalize against. Promises turn what's beloved into something to be measured for cost and benefit.

So here is the offering up of the subject: What are the opinions of the people here? Is there value to promises? How do you or how does your path view them?  

[Brass Bell Doll]

This is kinda complicated for me, so if I fumble, please bear with me.

I feel there are two different things we are talking about. Things that are about our expectations for ourselves and things that are about our obligations towards others.

In an obligation to another person, we seek a mutual interaction, both giving and receiving a benefit of some kind. For the sake of effective communication, I'd call this either an oath or a contract- something where the value of a person's word or name is used as a marker prior to the completion of the exchange.

In our expectations of ourselves, we express our intentions in an idealized way. I'd call these promises or personal goals. If there is nothing of equal value being exchanged, then any benefit another person could garner is an extra benefit, but not something they are entitled to.

Does that make sense?