Journal of ElfTech977

[[NPC] ElfTech977]

Sunday, November 27th, 2005
9:50pm

frank herbert

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

and i look into the mirror .. and i stare back out at me .. and those are my eyes .. so i'm still out there .. in here

i will close my eyes in earnest tonight .. and open them not, until tomorrow comes ..  

[[NPC] ElfTech977]

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
12:58pm

edna st. vincent millay

Branch by branch
This tree has died. Green only
Is one last bough, moving its leaves in the sun.

What evil ate its root, what blight,
What ugly thing,
Let the mole say, the bird sing;
Or the white worm behind the shedding bark
Tick in the dark.

You and I have only one thing to do:
Saw the trunk through.

i woke this morning .. drank fresh, green tea out of my favorite blue mug .. wrote for a time in my private journal .. i've filled it entirely over these last days .. trying to make sense of the things that have happened in the past few weeks .. trying to make sense of the terrifying things i have seen .. today i wrote the last words on the last page .. the end .. or rather the clearing of space for somthing new to begin ..

i've cleaned out my knapsack .. i've been carrying around a few things for some friends of mine .. a gas mask and some vials .. (an antidote of some sort i think) .. other things to keep me safe should danger arise .. i've placed these away in a chest at the foot of my bed .. i will not need them for what comes next ..

my bed is made .. my laundry done .. my desk is the image of elfly order .. everything is folded or stacked or put away.

...

i had another dream last night .. my vision is so clear now .. i apologize .. i do not have time to write it down here .. i have an important appointment which i cannot miss ..

(don't worry .. the truth of my dream will be obvious to everyone soon enough)

.. only 4 minutes now .. then i will need to go .. there will have been yet another set of strange sounds.. this time from the direction of the j-level dining commons .. i'm sure my curiosity will get the best of me and i will go to investigate it .. is it some malfunctioning machinery? .. is it elftech 247 planning a surprise party for mrs. claus? .. who knows ..

but i will not reach j-level .. i will find Mr Claus along the way ..

...
how i miss him ..
how glad i will be to see his face this one last time ..
despite what has happened ..
what will happen ..
...

i know in his true heart he loves us all.

 

[[NPC] ElfTech977]

~ journal ~

.. and if this is true .. if through this sacrifice .. i can show Mr. Claus somthing that will tip the scales .. that will lead him out of his personal abyss .. how could i not move forward with what i now know.

571 once told me there was an ancient chinese curse which says, 'may you live in interesting times.' these last weeks have shown the fullness of the curse that 'interesting times' can bring.

i think of the story of Ananda .. the disciple of Gautam Buddha .. when Buddha died .. Ananda cried and cried not for the death of his master .. his master had died completely fulfilled .. but Ananda cried for himself .. for most of his life Ananda had been at the side of Buddha .. but Ananda had not attained his enlightenment .. it is said that .. while Ananda meditated on his sorrow .. while he experienced it without judgment .. that night he was enlightened .. the path before me, however, is still too long .. and my strides shorten .. i will not find what i seek before this leg of my journey is finished.

i also think of the mice .. that live in the base of the east wall of my room .. when i am unable to feed them .. will they still find food?

even this page grows closer and closer to it's end .. the last page of my last book .. my last story of traveling from nowhere to nowhere .. and when this page is full .. something greater awaits me .. a new adventure to be discovered .. bigger than any i have ever known .. the point of no return has been passed and i release my will to the will gravity and trust it in my falling .. this too is only temporary and must make way for something else .. ... .. alas .. all good things ...

.

 

[[NPC] ElfTech977]

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