so i am writing a story....

[promised_child]

i need unbiased opinions, plese opine

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4917705/1/Necessary_Disclosure


thank you  

[promised_child]

ok so i am shamelessly begging PLEASE PLEASE tell me what you think of my story.

its rated T cuz there are gonna be things comming soon. lotsa angst between parentals and children (who are no longer children) COs and subordinants, lawyers and clients Doctors and Patients and EVIL ALIENS who masquarade as the ancient egyptian and greek gods!!!!!

shamelessly begging

its really good,

please?  

[OneWithDunamis]

Um... how do you access the story from that link?  

[promised_child]

Click the link. then click the link in the "you are leaving gaia" thingie. chapter one = disclaimer, so click the "next chapter" button.  

[OneWithDunamis]

Eek. Lots and lots of text. Will give it a go when I'm more awake smile  

[promised_child]

OneWithDunamis

Eek. Lots and lots of text. Will give it a go when I'm more awake smile

that is all i ask..... please be awake when you read it. as i was half asleep when i wrote it, i am hoping it will make sense! xd  

[promised_child]

ok, so more shameless begging. PLEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEE read the story.  

[Zukato Nokuchiku]

"...“we should probably go to bed. We have a long drive tomorrow,” she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her closer,

“I am not ready to sleep.” he stated, pouting like a petulant child.

Sam tilted her head up, “no?” she said flirtatiously, “what are you ready for then?” then she ducked out of his arms and moved to the wall.

She wasn’t quite prepared for the speed with which he moved. He effectively pinned her against the wall, kissing her hard on the lips. After about one nanosecond, Sam moaned and opened her mouth to his seeking tongue.

As their tongues dueled, Jack pushed forward, grinding his pelvis against her, letting her feel exactly how turned on he was. In response, Sam pulled him closer. He moved his lips down to her neck, nipping, licking, and kissing along her carotid artery, causing her to groan."



Intense scene you got there. xd

Well to be serious here, ive only read the first chapter. I thought it was (so far) pretty interesting! Im going to continue with this later. smile  

[promised_child]

Pettos the Pattus

"...“we should probably go to bed. We have a long drive tomorrow,” she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her closer,

“I am not ready to sleep.” he stated, pouting like a petulant child.

Sam tilted her head up, “no?” she said flirtatiously, “what are you ready for then?” then she ducked out of his arms and moved to the wall.

She wasn’t quite prepared for the speed with which he moved. He effectively pinned her against the wall, kissing her hard on the lips. After about one nanosecond, Sam moaned and opened her mouth to his seeking tongue.

As their tongues dueled, Jack pushed forward, grinding his pelvis against her, letting her feel exactly how turned on he was. In response, Sam pulled him closer. He moved his lips down to her neck, nipping, licking, and kissing along her carotid artery, causing her to groan."



Intense scene you got there. xd

Well to be serious here, ive only read the first chapter. I thought it was (so far) pretty interesting! Im going to continue with this later. smile

it woulda been more so, but my husband was JUST deployed, so I didnt want to play with fire... xd I am glad you like it so far  

[irool75]

Ive read thte first 2 chapters and its amazing. im going to read the rest later.  

[Nebulance]

I've read some of the chapters (until the briefing in the house starts). Your style is fine (and I'm a very critical person about writing, so that's a compliment). I haven't seen much Stargate, so I can't comment on that aspect. The romance is fine as well, although their irrational attraction to each other is probably laid on a bit too thick.

The major thing I think you could improve write now is plot tension. There just isn't too much driving the story behind the romance. While there trip to examine her (or whatever they are going to do) is a motivation for them, it doesn't exactly motivate a reader. There needs to be something looming in the background or glinting in the distance to hold the reader's focus. You decide what.

All in all, it's promising.  

[promised_child]

Nebluance

I've read some of the chapters (until the briefing in the house starts). Your style is fine (and I'm a very critical person about writing, so that's a compliment). I haven't seen much Stargate, so I can't comment on that aspect. The romance is fine as well, although their irrational attraction to each other is probably laid on a bit too thick.

The major thing I think you could improve write now is plot tension. There just isn't too much driving the story behind the romance. While there trip to examine her (or whatever they are going to do) is a motivation for them, it doesn't exactly motivate a reader. There needs to be something looming in the background or glinting in the distance to hold the reader's focus. You decide what.

All in all, it's promising.

the plot gets more in depth, and maybe the attraction wont seem so irrational, once you get to chapter 12. unfortunately, beyond the characters, original premis and the gate, its all mine, so I am having to explain and set up alot. also it wont seem so thick, as thats pretty much the only scene where they almost lose controle.