My Mate

[FlySammyJ]

Brass Bell Doll

ShadowCatSoul

I've been in abusive relationships. Trust me, he's not abusive. If having a temper from time to time makes him abusive then I might as well be labeled as such to my previous boyfriends.

I feel based on how you have described your relationship that it is a mutually abusive relationship- that both of you engage in emotional abuse of one another and that you love each other enough to heal and change for the sake of the health of yourself and each other.

I agree with most of the forum regulars on this issue. I know we sound a bit presumptuous telling you what your relationship is and is not based on a few paragraphs, but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years, and I see a lot of myself from that time in the way you speak now. My lover was never, ever physically abusive, but was moody and dealt with anger issues and strange gods. There were different sides to him - he was diagnosed as bipolar for some time - and while most days he was sweet and caring, sometimes he showed his coldness, or even cruelty. I felt that I had to find the right reaction to his feelings, because if I said something wrong, he would be displeased with me. I isolated myself from my friends because he didn't like them, and claimed that they were a bad influence on me. Our relationship was intense also; I never spoke of him as my boyfriend, always my lover, because we felt that our relationship was special. He had also had terrible experiences with therapists and mental hospitals, which led me to side against new therapies, believing, as he told me, that my love was a better medicine. It was only much later that I acknowledged that I was not enough of a healer to 'fix' him. Please, if what I'm saying sounds too familiar to you, learn from my mistake and don't rely on yourself to help him. And don't change yourself for his sake.

Remember also that no one is accusing your mate of setting out to hurt you. People hurt each other all the time due to simple lack of mindfulness or factors beyond their control. Just because it's not his fault doesn't mean it's ok.

On a side note, above mentioned dude is getting married pretty soon. I have an urge to contact the bride and just give her my phone number, in case she ever needs help getting out like I did.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

demisara

And don't change yourself for his sake.

I wanted to add while I agree with the spirit of this, the way it is phrased may lead to confusion. If changing for his sake involves letting go of bad habits and doing what is needed to become healthy, then it isn't a bad idea.

I feel the spirit of the statement deals with not being manipulated.

But I also know that people can feel a desire to cling to habits- even bad ones, if they feel their sense of self is being threatened.  

[FlySammyJ]

Brass Bell Doll

demisara

And don't change yourself for his sake.

I wanted to add while I agree with the spirit of this, the way it is phrased may lead to confusion. If changing for his sake involves letting go of bad habits and doing what is needed to become healthy, then it isn't a bad idea.

I feel the spirit of the statement deals with not being manipulated.

But I also know that people can feel a desire to cling to habits- even bad ones, if they feel their sense of self is being threatened.

Even if a lover convinces one that a change is beneficial, the change is made for one's own benefit, and not for the lover's.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

demisara

Brass Bell Doll

demisara

And don't change yourself for his sake.

I wanted to add while I agree with the spirit of this, the way it is phrased may lead to confusion. If changing for his sake involves letting go of bad habits and doing what is needed to become healthy, then it isn't a bad idea.

I feel the spirit of the statement deals with not being manipulated.

But I also know that people can feel a desire to cling to habits- even bad ones, if they feel their sense of self is being threatened.

Even if a lover convinces one that a change is beneficial, the change is made for one's own benefit, and not for the lover's.

Many people in the early stages of Anger Management do not see it this way- the anger, the lashing out and the fear it brings from others is seen as an advantage and the targets of their anger are viewed as deserving of the violence. There are people who will never maintaining their anger as anything but manipulation on the part of their lovers. While I hope that these people leave their relationship and get someplace safe, I also understand that the aggressors do not consider it a benefit.  

[Ezinu]

Does any one else see the unhealthy amount of blame shes putting on herself? A relationship contains two people that have to equally work on it you cant live your life stepping on egg shells if he gets in a bad mood. Its not just you to blame and its not just you that needs to learn to deal with the mood changes.

Just a suggestion but i have a lot of problem communicating myself and saying what i mean without it coming out jumbled and saying something completely different from what i mean without enough time to process my words into a format the other person is going to understand. The way i get around this is through email because i can read it back to myself and think about how it sounds and how the other person might take what i just typed and i can make sure it says exactly what i want it to and there isn't going to be any confusion.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

Ezinu

Does any one else see the unhealthy amount of blame shes putting on herself? A relationship contains two people that have to equally work on it you cant live your life stepping on egg shells if he gets in a bad mood. Its not just you to blame and its not just you that needs to learn to deal with the mood changes.

I feel based on her words here and elsewhere she is taking responsibility for the abuse she inflicts in the relationship, as well as voicing concerns about the abuse she is receiving.

While I cannot speak for everyone else, I think this is the reason why so many have suggested seeking professional help. If this was a simple matter of adjusting to living with another person, it would not be setting off the warning bells the descriptions have made.