My Mate

[maenad nuri]

One of the big things that my husband and I do in arguements or discussion is quite simply saying, "I can't articulate this right now. Let me get back to you when I can, or when I have something to back me up."

If he's not willing to meet that, and recognise that your communication ability may not suite his right away, it may be best to walk away before this enters a later stage relationship.

Also, is there a reason you refer to you guys as "mated"? That seems an odd word choice for an early relationship.

The best thing the hubbie and I ever did was go to a Catholic Engaged Encounter. We had been together for years, but it was there that we learned to really communicate and argue effectively. As Brass said, the things you are wanting are toolkits that good therapists or counselers give you -- you are biased against the name, but not the kit.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

One of my concerns is that these tools often need coaching. There are ways people can adopt these kits, but they lack effectiveness because the letter of the tools when explained in a book becomes slanted in use. By having a professional help introduce them, and even work through some situations, you can often avoid a misuse of these tools.

Even the best tools can be used like weapons, and that is a pitfall a book cannot compensate for.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

Bastemhet

ShadowCatSoul

Bastemhet

Have you tried telling him exactly what you said in the first post yourself?

I don't know if any of you have ever noticed or not, but I'm not exactly the most articulate person around. And he's very big on articulation and politeness and etc. I'm afraid what I want to say will come out wrong and he'll take it offensively or as judgemental or whatever. I don't want to lose him. I'm being extremely careful since we're still in the early stages of our relationship.

I think it's very important that you be able to truthfully communicate with each other, no matter what point of the relationship you're at. He won't know if he's hurting your feelings or bothering you if you don't tell him. Being willing to communicate is part of what makes a healthy relationship. I recommend you figure out what it is you are being bothered by, and figure out what you need him to do in order for you two to have your personal needs fulfilled and have a good relationship. I would also invite him to tell you his piece as well, because it's both your responsibility to make the relationship work. You should note that there is a difference between personality traits, and modifiable behavior. If he simply refuses to modify some behaviors that bother you, I would think about whether you see this relationship being healthy for your emotional well being in the long run. Here are some good tips on how to communicate.

My boyfriend and I have gotten along really well for the past four years. We do have some arguments but part of what makes us strong is that we understand that even though sometimes we make each other angry, that doesn't mean we will abandon each other. It's simply part of human relationships. It is unhealthy to expect that we will never argue or have disagreements. The important thing is that we always have respect for each other, which includes hearing each other out if we have some complaints, and never raising our voice or name calling. We also try to figure out solutions that work for both of us. Does that sound like something you two could do?

Oh, don't get me wrong. We fight from time to time because I don't know how to properly react when he gets in his moods or I lose my temper or just general miscommunication issues, but the good times we share more than make up for the bad. He helps me out in my weak areas such as my communication and temper, he's helping me get a car, I eat well whenever I stay over at his place, he lets me know how much he really loves me and I share the same feelings. We just have two different ways of communicating and I'm still trying to figure out how to solve that problem. And I have to learn how to just leave him alone when I see the signs of his shifts, but I have trouble doing that because I'm a problem solver and I get frustrated when I see him that way and can't fix it.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

maenad nuri

One of the big things that my husband and I do in arguements or discussion is quite simply saying, "I can't articulate this right now. Let me get back to you when I can, or when I have something to back me up."

If he's not willing to meet that, and recognise that your communication ability may not suite his right away, it may be best to walk away before this enters a later stage relationship.

Also, is there a reason you refer to you guys as "mated"? That seems an odd word choice for an early relationship.

The best thing the hubbie and I ever did was go to a Catholic Engaged Encounter. We had been together for years, but it was there that we learned to really communicate and argue effectively. As Brass said, the things you are wanting are toolkits that good therapists or counselers give you -- you are biased against the name, but not the kit.

That's an interesting question. He and I actually had a discussion about this one day. We didn't feel that the phrase "boyfriend and girlfriend" accurately described what we felt towards one another. The connection we have...it's pretty intense. Hard to describe with words. I'd say almost impossible to describe with words. I've had a lot of boyfriends before and he a lot of girlfriends. I've been in love once before, him a couple times before, but it feels nothing like any of what I'd felt before. He asked how I felt about the word "mate" and it just sounded more accurate for some reason. When we spend time alone together and we're just having our time together he likes to look over at me and say "how's my mate?" or "how's kitten?" It's cute and makes me smile.

And about therapy, he and I have both had bad experiences with that sort of thing in the past and would rather try to work things out without it for now.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

When I read your responses, I feel like you are allowing your previous bad experiences to create bias against the very thing you need.

One of the things I often do is I replace something that is giving a strong emotional reaction with another term- and if it sounds offensive or absurd, I use it as a way to examine my attitudes towards them.

For example, if it is fair to say that you dislike therapy because of previous experiences with therapists, and you replaced that with a dislike of men because of previous experiences with men, it shows that the scope of the reactions may not be reasonable.  

[Bastemhet]

Brass Bell Doll

One of my concerns is that these tools often need coaching. There are ways people can adopt these kits, but they lack effectiveness because the letter of the tools when explained in a book becomes slanted in use. By having a professional help introduce them, and even work through some situations, you can often avoid a misuse of these tools.

Even the best tools can be used like weapons, and that is a pitfall a book cannot compensate for.

This is true. Even though my guy and I have no problems right now, I don't think a couple's therapy session can do anything but help.  

[Bastemhet]

ShadowCatSoul

Oh, don't get me wrong. We fight from time to time because I don't know how to properly react when he gets in his moods or I lose my temper or just general miscommunication issues, but the good times we share more than make up for the bad. He helps me out in my weak areas such as my communication and temper, he's helping me get a car, I eat well whenever I stay over at his place, he lets me know how much he really loves me and I share the same feelings. We just have two different ways of communicating and I'm still trying to figure out how to solve that problem. And I have to learn how to just leave him alone when I see the signs of his shifts, but I have trouble doing that because I'm a problem solver and I get frustrated when I see him that way and can't fix it.

That sounds familiar. A lot of the time I get angry to the point that anything the other person says will just condemn them further. At that point I know I'm being irrational and ask for maybe 15 minutes to cool down. After that I'm ready to see reason and talk about things respectfully with one another. While it would be nice if I didn't have to do this at all, I also know that it's not fair if I continue to argue because I may say something I don't actually mean. Maybe he's similar. I suggest asking him what he would like you to do in the situations in which he gets angry to the point that he shuts himself away from you. You both can then agree to always follow up by talking about it after that, as leaving a problem to fester can be very problematic.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

Bastemhet

ShadowCatSoul

Oh, don't get me wrong. We fight from time to time because I don't know how to properly react when he gets in his moods or I lose my temper or just general miscommunication issues, but the good times we share more than make up for the bad. He helps me out in my weak areas such as my communication and temper, he's helping me get a car, I eat well whenever I stay over at his place, he lets me know how much he really loves me and I share the same feelings. We just have two different ways of communicating and I'm still trying to figure out how to solve that problem. And I have to learn how to just leave him alone when I see the signs of his shifts, but I have trouble doing that because I'm a problem solver and I get frustrated when I see him that way and can't fix it.

That sounds familiar. A lot of the time I get angry to the point that anything the other person says will just condemn them further. At that point I know I'm being irrational and ask for maybe 15 minutes to cool down. After that I'm ready to see reason and talk about things respectfully with one another. While it would be nice if I didn't have to do this at all, I also know that it's not fair if I continue to argue because I may say something I don't actually mean. Maybe he's similar. I suggest asking him what he would like you to do in the situations in which he gets angry to the point that he shuts himself away from you. You both can then agree to always follow up by talking about it after that, as leaving a problem to fester can be very problematic.

I asked his two recent ex's how they handled him when he got that way. They each pretty much said to give him physical space, but let him know you're still there emotionally. If he feels like I'm emotionally withdrawing (which I tend to do when I feel hurt) that'll just make it worse. Also, he will start on projects and they said those projects are good for him because they'll take his mind off certain things and also help him think. His current project is he's working with chain and scale mail to make jewlery and other accessories.  

[Bastemhet]

ShadowCatSoul

Bastemhet

ShadowCatSoul

Oh, don't get me wrong. We fight from time to time because I don't know how to properly react when he gets in his moods or I lose my temper or just general miscommunication issues, but the good times we share more than make up for the bad. He helps me out in my weak areas such as my communication and temper, he's helping me get a car, I eat well whenever I stay over at his place, he lets me know how much he really loves me and I share the same feelings. We just have two different ways of communicating and I'm still trying to figure out how to solve that problem. And I have to learn how to just leave him alone when I see the signs of his shifts, but I have trouble doing that because I'm a problem solver and I get frustrated when I see him that way and can't fix it.

That sounds familiar. A lot of the time I get angry to the point that anything the other person says will just condemn them further. At that point I know I'm being irrational and ask for maybe 15 minutes to cool down. After that I'm ready to see reason and talk about things respectfully with one another. While it would be nice if I didn't have to do this at all, I also know that it's not fair if I continue to argue because I may say something I don't actually mean. Maybe he's similar. I suggest asking him what he would like you to do in the situations in which he gets angry to the point that he shuts himself away from you. You both can then agree to always follow up by talking about it after that, as leaving a problem to fester can be very problematic.

I asked his two recent ex's how they handled him when he got that way. They each pretty much said to give him physical space, but let him know you're still there emotionally. If he feels like I'm emotionally withdrawing (which I tend to do when I feel hurt) that'll just make it worse. Also, he will start on projects and they said those projects are good for him because they'll take his mind off certain things and also help him think. His current project is he's working with chain and scale mail to make jewlery and other accessories.

Projects sound like a good way for him to deal with his own stresses, but this doesn't really address how your concerns or stress can be taken care of. Part of dealing with stessors or arguments is figuring out how you can both rectify your problems together.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

Bastemhet

Projects sound like a good way for him to deal with his own stresses, but this doesn't really address how your concerns or stress can be taken care of. Part of dealing with stessors or arguments is figuring out how you can both rectify your problems together.

This often reminds me of the Rita Mae Brown quote about repeating the same actions and expecting different results.  

[Bastemhet]

Brass Bell Doll

Bastemhet

Projects sound like a good way for him to deal with his own stresses, but this doesn't really address how your concerns or stress can be taken care of. Part of dealing with stessors or arguments is figuring out how you can both rectify your problems together.

This often reminds me of the Rita Mae Brown quote about repeating the same actions and expecting different results.

OK, so I googled her and see a cat book series with "Sneaky Pie Brown." Now I have to read this. lol

But yeah. Thus, talking. I feel like telling each other what you're thinking and feeling is almost magical. I was too shy or embarrassed or worried or paranoid to do that in earlier relationships and that's why they didn't work out (among other things). Obviously, people can't read each others' minds. Talking about problems is not the only thing needed. Coming to a conclusion that works for both of you (which is easier said than done sometimes) is just as important.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

Thanks guys for supplying me with information and advice, I'm not necessarily completely writing off therapy all together, just putting it as a last resort. And we plan on spending time together this weekend, so I'll kick my a** in gear on the communcation thing, still working on that.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

Bastemhet

Brass Bell Doll

Bastemhet

Projects sound like a good way for him to deal with his own stresses, but this doesn't really address how your concerns or stress can be taken care of. Part of dealing with stessors or arguments is figuring out how you can both rectify your problems together.

This often reminds me of the Rita Mae Brown quote about repeating the same actions and expecting different results.

OK, so I googled her and see a cat book series with "Sneaky Pie Brown." Now I have to read this. lol

But yeah. Thus, talking. I feel like telling each other what you're thinking and feeling is almost magical. I was too shy or embarrassed or worried or paranoid to do that in earlier relationships and that's why they didn't work out (among other things). Obviously, people can't read each others' minds. Talking about problems is not the only thing needed. Coming to a conclusion that works for both of you (which is easier said than done sometimes) is just as important.

I feel very nervous having reread this thread after stepping away from it for a while. It's an abusive relationship and I am concerned for ShadowCatSoul's safety, and that of her Lover.

I think it is important to understand that this is a clinical approach to emotional abuse, and not a judgment on the value of people as individuals. I've been in enough abusive relationships to understand that this behavior doesn't make people bad people. We are all raised with bad habits that can get away from us as we develop relationships as adults.

Abusive relationships can be salvaged as well, if the people in them are serious about doing what it takes to get the help they need and work with the tools they are given.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

Brass Bell Doll

Bastemhet

Brass Bell Doll

Bastemhet

Projects sound like a good way for him to deal with his own stresses, but this doesn't really address how your concerns or stress can be taken care of. Part of dealing with stessors or arguments is figuring out how you can both rectify your problems together.

This often reminds me of the Rita Mae Brown quote about repeating the same actions and expecting different results.

OK, so I googled her and see a cat book series with "Sneaky Pie Brown." Now I have to read this. lol

But yeah. Thus, talking. I feel like telling each other what you're thinking and feeling is almost magical. I was too shy or embarrassed or worried or paranoid to do that in earlier relationships and that's why they didn't work out (among other things). Obviously, people can't read each others' minds. Talking about problems is not the only thing needed. Coming to a conclusion that works for both of you (which is easier said than done sometimes) is just as important.

I feel very nervous having reread this thread after stepping away from it for a while. It's an abusive relationship and I am concerned for ShadowCatSoul's safety, and that of her Lover.

I think it is important to understand that this is a clinical approach to emotional abuse, and not a judgment on the value of people as individuals. I've been in enough abusive relationships to understand that this behavior doesn't make people bad people. We are all raised with bad habits that can get away from us as we develop relationships as adults.

Abusive relationships can be salvaged as well, if the people in them are serious about doing what it takes to get the help they need and work with the tools they are given.

I've been in abusive relationships. Trust me, he's not abusive. If having a temper from time to time makes him abusive then I might as well be labeled as such to my previous boyfriends. I've just learned that there's nothing I can do for him when he's in his "moods" and that I should just stay away until he's back to normal. That's what people who know me well enough have learned about me.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

ShadowCatSoul

I've been in abusive relationships. Trust me, he's not abusive. If having a temper from time to time makes him abusive then I might as well be labeled as such to my previous boyfriends.

I feel based on how you have described your relationship that it is a mutually abusive relationship- that both of you engage in emotional abuse of one another and that you love each other enough to heal and change for the sake of the health of yourself and each other.

ShadowCatSoul

I've just learned that there's nothing I can do for him when he's in his "moods" and that I should just stay away until he's back to normal. That's what people who know me well enough have learned about me.

Unfortunately, this isn't a long term strategy. If it were, I feel you would not be speaking of your relationship as you have. My reasoning is that if it was a solution to the problem, the emotional abuse you have described and the mounting frustration would not exist because your tools would be resolving the issues.