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 Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 5:53 pm
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 6:20 pm
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Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 8:10 am
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Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 2:49 pm
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Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 7:29 pm
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 7:36 am
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 8:15 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 2:16 pm
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Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 1:16 pm
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Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 1:23 pm
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Oh wait... I got another...
So there's this blonde, and she needs to pick up an extra few bucks so she decides to go around a particularly rich area as a handyman. Anyway, she arrives at this house and knocks on the door. When the person answers the blonde says "Hey, i'm a handyman, is there any work you need done?" and the guy replies "As a matter of fact, I was just about to go around and paint my porch, do you think you could do that for me?" she agreed, took the paint, and went around the house to work... About 2 hours later, the homeowners wife says to him "I don't think she knows that the porch goes around the whole house..." Another 30 minutes passed by, and the blonde finally knocked on the door again. When the man answered, he saw that the porch was still the same color, so he yelled "I TOLD YOU TO PAINT THE PORCH!!" and she calmly replied "I did... but I just felt like telling you this... That isn't a porch, it's a Lamborghini..."
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Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 12:21 pm
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hmmm.... how about this....
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen."
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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 12:30 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 7:50 pm
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Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
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