Alrighty, little overview of the basics. Currently, I identify myself as MtF, I'm 15, and almost entirely closeted IRL.
Starting from the beginning. I first knew that something was off back in 2009, then, it was just a slight feeling, a little voice in the back of my 10 year old, cop obsessed mind, saying "I wanna be a girl". As I began to grow older and mature, that voice grew, and the thoughts became much more complex. I'd try on bras that were my mom's or sisters here and there. The thoughts kept snowballing, and, I had no idea what it meant or anything until 2011, for 7th grade current events, scouting for a story on cnn.com, I came across a story about a transgender child. Reading that story, first as a potential current event, I realized, a lot of that applied to me. I marked down the story title, and found another story. When I got home, I tracked the story down again on my home computer, and waited for my mom to get home. I had her read it, and, pretty much explained the situation to her, which was pretty awkward on all ends. Coming out of that, my mom thought it was just a phase. I continued to move forward as I had for the past few years. About a year or so later, I talked to her again about it, and, by then, she realized it was something, and it wasn't a phase, but, neither of us knew what to do to move forward (My sister came out as a lesbian in 2009, so, my mom was probably still in surprise shock from that). Some time after that, I began making some personal changes, in terms of who I tried to be friends with, and how I went to the bathroom. I also began identifying as a girl on some online websites. Through this entire time, I began to feel more and more distanced from boys my age based on my personality compared to theirs. My interests were skewed towards what girls were into rather than boys, with the exception of sports. 9th grade comes along, I befriended a girl who I'd known for 2 years at that point and already had a decent friendship with. The friendship grew to a point we were practically the best of friends. It got to the point I could trust her knowing that I wasn't right, so to speak. As time went on, I felt that her family thought I was just out to date her. I treated the friendship as though we were both girls, which was a giant release for me, to know that I could have a best friend that matched my gender. Soon after, I trusted her family knowing who I was on the inside. Things kept going well, up until last June. The family basically treated me completely differently based on my body. I wasn't allowed to sleep over, and I wasn't allowed to hang out with her in her bedroom (I understand that to a point, I believe I should've had enough trust at that point though). After 8 or so months of fighting to earn a friendship that 2 girls would have, I was shown that I made no progress. Another person came into the picture, a girl. She was allowed to do both almost immediately, which extremely hurt me, to the point I ended up crying, and was kicked out of their house, and wrecked my bike down the street, and still have a scar from that. None of that mattered to them, but, I had to move on, since I wasn't gonna be treated as who I was. In the middle of the summer, I emailed a local psychiatrist about possible appointments, but, never moved forward with that, out of fear of relentless bullying from kids at my school. (4 star football players beat and killed a mexican back in '0 cool I may let my mom know about that at some point later this month, but, currently, I haven't moved forward with that. I've let my hair grow out for the first time with full support from my mom (she'd cut it when it got to about neck length each year), so I think I'd have support from her to move forward if insurance would cover it.
So, that's pretty much my story. I'm basically looking for advice, or comments, and I'll answer any questions. Anything is really appreciated.
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