The Mafias Boy

[bambirosewolf]

I do have a hard time with spelling and grammar but idc as long as the person under stand what i am writing then im happy but please if you feel like correcting me idc do as you please but i once again dont care...

but i feel like writing a story so please enjoy and i hope you like it

the Mafias boy

by bambirosewolf

intro

hello and welcome to my suck life world... yes all you may know me as the Mafias "pet", "slave", "helper", etc... but to me i feel more then all those when i am so close to him. I feel like i known him for the longest time even though its been so far 4 months. Even though its been that long i want to be with him forever, However; i will tell you a story about how i "bumped" into him, got kidnapped, and so forth till now..

It all started for when i was running from the cops i was known to steal ALOT of things especially purses from women. So i ran as fast as i can from me bumping to people all around me like a maze game.. I always felt like i was the one in to get lost but honestly as soon as i turn hard on the corner i felt something heavy like a huge bolder got in my path. As i was about to look up i heard a soft voice " Are you ok?" when i looked up fast to hear the calm soothing voice I saw a man. Tall, his skin very white pale like american skin, His eyes are like beautiful husky color ice blue color, his hair so dark with red highlights. He was like the "Mr. Perfect" that every girl was wanting head over heels for I even want him all to myself but sadly im just a 18 year old boy getting into trouble. Next thing i know i hear sirens coming up the streets the "Mr. Perfect" says to me.
"Are you running from the law?", I stared up at him in fear i didnt know what to do i didnt know what to say i was terrified if he was going to turn me in. "Its ok come with me you can hide in my hidden place" He grabed my hand and ran as i was trying to catch up with him with my stubby feet sliding and things. As we got to a safe place to take a break running i looked up at him and said " thank you..." it was the first time i said something to him since we ran from that place I now became shy even though i am mostly a talkative guy talking chatting away. I was so shy around him I didn't know what to say or more like do something to him Again with that calm soothing voice he ask for my name. I told him my name is Bambi, He asked for my age and i again i told him I'm 18 we continue the questioning he told him his. His name is Deablo, hes 27, hes the leader of the gang called the white demons, he also runs a CEO business for the most high popular fashion magazine with his sister the magazine titale is my favorite one i always steal is the GOTHICA fashion.
I adore that magazine i am a goth but not just any goth but a pastel gothic kid. Anything cute to be in the most deadly way i bought everything from that magazine but finally meeting the owner of GOTHICA made me feel alot special. "So... you need a ride home?" he asked me as soon i was done spacing out "huh?.. parden?" i quickly glanced up at him in a confused way "do you need a ride home?" he asked again in the most pissed off look.... "no... i dont have a place to go..." I was honest with him i told him my story of how my parents gave me up to a orphanage. I was alone hopeing to have a family but it never worked out so thats why i steal food, purses, anythign i can get my hands on so i can have food, water, and most important drugs.... Yes im a drug addict. "Don't worrie ill let you live with me as a roommate" he said with the most confident way as possible and all i did is sit there and stare again into his most beautiful eyes in the world then he moved to get closer to me to my face! i blushes the deepest red i have ever did and asked again "would you come live with me as my roommate?" i finally gave him an answer "y...y..yes" i was so shy and nervous when his face was so close to mine i just wanted to hide my embarrassment. Deablo gave me a glance and realized i was blushing from his face being closed to mine and he did it again only to known he was licking my cheek to my neck "mmm... ahh" i was shocked i covered my mouth with what i did and all i heard is chucking from him.

[terradi]

Why post it in a writer's forum if you're not looking for suggestions on how to correct or improve mistakes you've made? Are you just looking for compliments?

[Turnilk]

bambirosewolf

I do have a hard time with spelling and grammar but idc as long as the person under stand what i am writing then im happy but please if you feel like correcting me idc do as you please but i once again dont care...

but i feel like writing a story so please enjoy and i hope you like it

Spelling and grammar help what you say get across to a reader. Saying you don't care about it is like saying you don't care if anyone understands what you are saying. If you don't care enough about the story to at least be concerned that what you are trying to communicate doesn't get across, why should I care enough to bother reading it for any reason?

And I refuse to read anything in a bright color. If someone wants me to read what they write, they won't put it in an eye-gougingly painful color stare

[bambirosewolf]

terradi

Why post it in a writer's forum if you're not looking for suggestions on how to correct or improve mistakes you've made? Are you just looking for compliments?

No u miss understood I don't care if u correct me or not cuz yes I may need help but at the same time I just some times enjoy on what I want to write so u cane if u want to

[bambirosewolf]

Turnilk

bambirosewolf

I do have a hard time with spelling and grammar but idc as long as the person under stand what i am writing then im happy but please if you feel like correcting me idc do as you please but i once again dont care...

but i feel like writing a story so please enjoy and i hope you like it

Spelling and grammar help what you say get across to a reader. Saying you don't care about it is like saying you don't care if anyone understands what you are saying. If you don't care enough about the story to at least be concerned that what you are trying to communicate doesn't get across, why should I care enough to bother reading it for any reason?

And I refuse to read anything in a bright color. If someone wants me to read what they write, they won't put it in an eye-gougingly painful color stare

I like the color... And u miss understood also IDC if u can correct me cuz yes I would like help but same time I just want to write down wht I want to so h can correct me if u wish

[terradi]

bambirosewolf

No u miss understood I don't care if u correct me or not cuz yes I may need help but at the same time I just some times enjoy on what I want to write so u cane if u want to

Gotcha.

You should probably understand that Writer's forum is very different than many of the other forums on Gaia. Many of us are older, and most of us are very aware of proper grammar and spelling rules. Seeing things written incorrectly, even if we can understand the meaning, is something that will make many of us just not want to read a story. If you're really just looking to post a story and get a few comments here and there on it, Chatterbox may be a happier place for you.

Here, people will call you out on bad grammar, spelling, punctuation, and presentation. Because here, many of us post projects we're working very hard on because we're looking to improve. Most of us will write a story and work to make sure we're following good grammar and spelling rules. Some of us will read through a story twice and try and edit it so that it's as good as we can make it. Most importantly, because other people do these things, they will expect you to do these things and most of the corrections you're going to get are going to be on your grammar, spelling, punctuation, and presentation rather than on your story itself.

[bambirosewolf]

terradi

bambirosewolf

No u miss understood I don't care if u correct me or not cuz yes I may need help but at the same time I just some times enjoy on what I want to write so u cane if u want to

Gotcha.

You should probably understand that Writer's forum is very different than many of the other forums on Gaia. Many of us are older, and most of us are very aware of proper grammar and spelling rules. Seeing things written incorrectly, even if we can understand the meaning, is something that will make many of us just not want to read a story. If you're really just looking to post a story and get a few comments here and there on it, Chatterbox may be a happier place for you.

Here, people will call you out on bad grammar, spelling, punctuation, and presentation. Because here, many of us post projects we're working very hard on because we're looking to improve. Most of us will write a story and work to make sure we're following good grammar and spelling rules. Some of us will read through a story twice and try and edit it so that it's as good as we can make it. Most importantly, because other people do these things, they will expect you to do these things and most of the corrections you're going to get are going to be on your grammar, spelling, punctuation, and presentation rather than on your story itself.

And I'll be waiting cuz my mom was right I maybe a good real life artist but not as a writer and I feel like i want to make my own story

[terradi]

bambirosewolf

And I'll be waiting cuz my mom was right I maybe a good real life artist but not as a writer and I feel like i want to make my own story

Writing your own stories for fun can be a lot of fun. But there's a big difference between writing for yourself and writing for an audience. Neither is really better than the other. I have some private writing which I don't post up online because it just wouldn't be interesting for other people or because it's very private to me. I also have some public writing that I'd love to try and go pro with one day, but I've had to edit it, re-write it, and seek out people who are willing to read through it and help me find all the things that need fixing in it to really come up with the best story I possibly can. Both sorts serve different purposes. Some of the private stuff I write when I really just need to vent off feelings and emotions. I write a lot of bad poetry that way. And it is bad. I can't write poetry to save my life and I know it. Which is why I keep it just for me.

Writing and oral storytelling are different things. As are say ... arts like photography and drawing and sketching. Just because you haven't mastered basic spelling and grammar doesn't mean you can't be an artist, just that you either need to pick a form of art that doesn't demand them or work on what you do have for spelling and grammar awareness and improve upon it.

[Turnilk]

bambirosewolf

I like the color...

Good for you. I like to be able to read things without being in pain.

bambirosewolf

And u miss understood also IDC if u can correct me cuz yes I would like help but same time I just want to write down wht I want to so h can correct me if u wish

That is not what you get across in your first post.

bambirosewolf

I do have a hard time with spelling and grammar but idc as long as the person under stand what i am writing then im happy but please if you feel like correcting me idc do as you please but i once again dont care...

but i feel like writing a story so please enjoy and i hope you like it

The bold part gets across that you acknowledge that you have spelling and grammar problems, which other people have come here saying as much as well, so it isn't a problem. The fact that you say "but idc as long as the person under stand what i am writing then im happy", is the issue I have. You said right there that you don't care about how your message gets across. Not only that, but it is contradictory. You want people to understand you, but don't care about making them understand you via grammar and spelling? What?

The underlined part is a different beast. People can correct you if they want, but you don't care if they do. If someone points out mistakes, you're more like "whateves"? That does not come across as someone who would like to improve their work.

You can write down your writing work anywhere. Here, you will be criticized and corrected as needed. And if I go though it.... Well, the last couple of people whose work I went though and criticized in detail didn't seem to like it so much.

EDIT: When I said "you can write down your writing work anywhere", I meant an appropriate place that allows you to do so. I should have written that better. If you want a place to place your writing work, gaia has journals, there are sites that allow people to have blogs or online dairies/journals, as well as places specifically for writing. You could also write in physical journals or notebooks, or in a program on a personal computer or laptop, or ipad (if ipad has a program that lets you do that).

I realize that I may be coming off as a jerk. Seeing someone post a story they worked on then seeing them say "I don't care if it is communicated well or not" kinda ticks me off though. Why write it if you don't care about it? emotion_eyebrow I know you tried to correct what you said, but it still doesn't get across the way you are trying to say that you meant.

I'm doing it again.. I'll stop and leave now emotion_yatta

[I am The Compendium]

bambirosewolf

And I'll be waiting cuz my mom was right I maybe a good real life artist but not as a writer and I feel like i want to make my own story

Are those two separate thoughts or not?

[t o l e k s z i]

<<<---------------------->>>

K, giving you some honest feedback here as I read your story:

It all reads like a fanfiction (which isn't a bad thing!) that I see a lot. If you are enjoying writing it and want to continue writing it, then I say you should, but you may get better feedback and find an audience that would enjoy it better on some fanfiction writing sites. Even if its not fanfiction, it would be better suited for a younger audience there.

And I will say that if you do want to continue writing in English, it would be a really good idea to feel motivated enough to improve your grammar and spelling, mostly grammar. It's not that there are occasional mistakes within your writing, it's that there are so many grammatical errors that it becomes difficult to understand what is actually happening. So along with what everyone else has said here, I suggest too that you work on those things. Other than that, there's nothing 'bad' about it, but I'm not sure that the writer's forum here on gaia is where you would find many that would enjoy a story like that.


<<<---------------------->>>

[Firlodge_3]

bambirosewolf

terradi

bambirosewolf

No u miss understood I don't care if u correct me or not cuz yes I may need help but at the same time I just some times enjoy on what I want to write so u cane if u want to

Gotcha.

You should probably understand that Writer's forum is very different than many of the other forums on Gaia. Many of us are older, and most of us are very aware of proper grammar and spelling rules. Seeing things written incorrectly, even if we can understand the meaning, is something that will make many of us just not want to read a story. If you're really just looking to post a story and get a few comments here and there on it, Chatterbox may be a happier place for you.

Here, people will call you out on bad grammar, spelling, punctuation, and presentation. Because here, many of us post projects we're working very hard on because we're looking to improve. Most of us will write a story and work to make sure we're following good grammar and spelling rules. Some of us will read through a story twice and try and edit it so that it's as good as we can make it. Most importantly, because other people do these things, they will expect you to do these things and most of the corrections you're going to get are going to be on your grammar, spelling, punctuation, and presentation rather than on your story itself.

And I'll be waiting cuz my mom was right I maybe a good real life artist but not as a writer and I feel like i want to make my own story

Yeah, about that...your mum's probably trying not to hurt your feelings. We care about your work. We can pretty harsh, yes, but I promise it's all done in good faith.

Protip: If you feel like defending yourself from our constructive criticism, leave it for a day. If you still feel like defending yourself, do so politely but be prepared to enter into a debate. Notice that I said debate and not argument?

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