Please critique my writing?

[RussianBiPolarBear]

Hey, it would be great if someone could go over this one scene in my story and post your opinions. Criticism is welcome just please be kind about it!

Thank you so much.

“Run!” Derek screeched, sprinting into the clump of shrubs that effortlessly covered his tracks. Both Merek and Barnet hastily mimicked his escape pattern. The lengthy limbs of fir pine trees worked well in concealing their route.

Rose didn’t need to be told twice and bolted for dear life. She could care less as sharp twigs scratched against her soft flesh and pierced into her fragile skin. The clinking and rattling of horses hooves against the dirt was heard growing faster and faster. Rose picked up her pace and launched down through the woods at full-speed with her arms stretched out. A slender woody shoot growing from a branch of a tree or shrub would always come across and all Rose could do was shove through.
The cold air coursed through the lungs and dried up her already parched throat while heart was beat so fast.
Rose coughed in her shrivelled throat, not willing to let any obstacle to detour her from escaping her pursuers.
She could hear shouts and cries coming from the far side and the blood pounding in her ears clogged the brain. All Rose could feel was the throbbing in her head and the weight in the legs.

[DarkSohisohi]

I would have liked more context going into this.

RussianBiPolarBear

“Run!” Derek screeched, sprinting into the clump of shrubs that effortlessly covered his tracks. Both Merek and Barnet hastily mimicked his escape pattern. The lengthy limbs of fir pine trees worked well in concealing their route. (That's not how tracks work)

Rose didn’t need to be told twice and bolted for dear life. She couldn't care less as sharp twigs scratched against her soft flesh and pierced into her fragile skin. The clinking and rattling (thumping and pounding?) of horses hooves against the dirt was heard growing faster and faster. Rose picked up her pace and launched down through the woods at full-speed with her arms stretched out. A slender woody shoot growing from a branch of a tree or shrub would always come across and all Rose could do was shove through (It is not clear who is breaking the branches).

The cold air coursed through the her lungs, drying up her already parched throat while her heart was beating so fast. (This sentence makes it sound as if air must go through the lungs to get through the throat, which would not be the case if she was taking a breath in. Also, who's heart is beating?)

Rose coughed in her shrivelled throat, not willing to let any obstacle to detour her from escaping her the pursuers (She is not the only one being chased).
She could hear shouts and cries coming from the far side and the blood pounding in her ears clogged the brain (????). All Rose could feel was the throbbing in her head and the weight in the legs.

[Special Agent Nishin]

RussianBiPolarBear

...
“Run!” Derek screeched, sprinting into the clump of shrubs that effortlessly covered his tracks. Both Merek and Barnet hastily mimicked his escape pattern. The lengthy limbs of fir pine trees worked well in concealing their route.

Some of your word choice seems too fancy, which makes it seem like you're trying too hard to be a super writer by flaunting your vocabulary. It's (hopefully) just the way you write naturally because every writer has a different way or writing. However, a word like "mimicked" seems out of place in this context. Consider connotation in context of the scene, and pick a word that best conveys the atmosphere you want to create.

Quote:

Rose didn’t need to be told twice and bolted for dear life. She could care less as sharp twigs ***scratched against her soft flesh and pierced into her fragile skin.***

(Too lazy to format.) In between the asterisks I added, I'd suggest slimming down this phrase. "...scratched and pierced her soft, fragile skin" would have been sufficient in conveying this image. It's wordy as is.

Other than these few things that recurred throughout this blurb, good job.

[Slaxyy]

I love the whole idea but the word choices lack a bit.. It seemed like you were trying a bit too hard on describing the scene.. (I am the type of person who likes not as descriptive books) whee

[Rayen Raiah]

“Run!” Derek screeched, sprinting into the clump of shrubs that effortlessly covered his tracks. Both Merek and Barnet hastily mimicked his escape pattern. The lengthy limbs of fir pine trees worked well in concealing their route.

Rose didn’t need to be told twice and bolted for dear life. She could care less as sharp twigs scratched against her soft flesh and pierced into her fragile skin. The clinking and rattling of horses hooves against the dirt was heard growing faster and faster. Rose picked up her pace and launched down through the woods at full-speed with her arms stretched out. A slender woody shoot growing from a branch of a tree or shrub would always come across and all Rose could do was shove through.
The cold air coursed through the lungs and dried up her already parched throat while heart was beat so fast.
Rose coughed in her shrivelled throat, not willing to let any obstacle to detour her from escaping her pursuers.
She could hear shouts and cries coming from the far side and the blood pounding in her ears clogged the brain. All Rose could feel was the throbbing in her head and the weight in the legs.


In order:


I feel like these two phrases clash because one suggest shrubs which are shorter foliage than trees.

We can already sense her life is in danger. Stating it kind of throws off the flow of things.

If the character is not paying attention to it, readers shouldn't be either. This statement feels like unnecessary fluff.

The image and the described sound don't correlate.

That would still just be branches. Keep it simple.

It's very repetitive.

Feels like an detail that isn't really needed.