Possible D&D comedy moments

[Auren Shiro]

A Half-Dragon Fighter, a Weretiger Barbarian/Assassin, a Wizard and the Ultimate mutilclasser (Paladin, Sorcerer, Rogue, Cleric level 12... CHA 30 and female.)
Me (The Fighter)
"Damn... see if you can make him lower the price..."
"Sure... Charisma Check... plus 14 ranks in Diplomacy... that's uh... 49?

GM: "Okay... You make the check... and the real question is... how far are you willing to go..."

One akward silence later... "Nevermind."

Later on...
"Well... we could hostile take over the halfling town..."
"And how's that accomplished?"
"We're all roughly twice as tall as them... and if that doesn't work... Free Beer. It works every time!"
"Let's try Plan A..." Gm rolls some dice... "That doesn't work and the half-lings think you're nuts."
"FREE BEER!"
The GM rolled some more dice and discovered that the free beer ploy works.

Another session. The Paladin wins 80 gold from Drinking Contests... and walks away. Later on, he backhands someone for real damage... and since it was a peasant... died.

Yet ANOTHER session. (This is a modern campaign mind you)
"Okay! Using my fifty caliber machine gun... I shoot out the elevator's roof and jump on it!"
The GM rolls some dice. "Are you wearing a cup with all that Kevlar?"
"Yes... why?"
"A vampire just hit you in the nuts while you were trying to climb up... be glad of the cup."

[Sandokiri]

Let's see... there was the time we found a dagger which could inflict Mummy Rot on a successful hit. The party's fighter decided to use this in an encounter against a gang of Undead Trolls.

Suddenly, we were fighting against Undead Trolls that had the ability to inflict mummy rot.

This poor character, the only non-human in this group, had real problems with Trolls:

The party's mage, Celdron, opened an enchanted spellbook to claim its L2 spell (it had one of each level,) and it summoned a Troll to guard the lore. Kiev, the fighter, ate a Critical Hit from the troll's bite --- it blew its nose into Kiev's gut, and left a... well... present.

This caused major problems. Later, Adria, a monkish princess we encountered far from home, went to heal him (she was actually a Priestess of Lliira, with the priest-class imported from FR) and said "I don't wanna look, I just wanna touch you!"

The worst of all was when a fifty-foot avatar of the GOD OF DEATH walked through a town over which another character was about to become lord; Kiev, all 6'0 of his half-elven frame ignoring the flitting souls of the recently departed, started to cuss out the COLOSSAL ROBED REAPER OF SOULS. It took some mighty convincing from the party, for Death to pass Kiev over. o.o

---

Then there was Dirk Kyoshiro, who allowed a dwarf fighter NPC to buy his own axe. This is how it went down:

Dirk and the dwarf, exploring a cave, found a Chimera den... and yes, a Chimera. During the battle, the dwarf Critical Botched, throwing his axe *into the hoard.* He was quickly rendered unconscious by breath attack, and Dirk (only a fighter/mage/thief with 6 levels of each --- in Second Edition!) won. As the dwarf was coming to, he noticed Dirk sifting through the hoard, and went to retrieve his axe --- an axe +2, mind you.

"Umm, exactly *what* do you think you're doing?" Dirk snapped.
"That's my axe!" the dwarf snapped back.
"Actually, it was the Chimera's axe --- it WAS in the hoard when the thing died..."
DM: "Kiri, gimme a bluffing roll."
Critical success.
Dwarf: "Yeah, yer right..."

[C.E.]

in this one game i play there is a VERY vain human sorceror/rogue names ari. also in the game, we travel with an NPC half elven bard named redithdoor. ari and redithdoor happen to be rivals for the attention and affection of my charecter, a human cleric named asherin. its all kinda of random love triangly weirdness.. specially for a D&D game ^^"
well anyway... we get into this one combat with some gnolls. redithdoor who is usually shy, but HATES gnolls decides to take some aciton. he whips out his bow and screams "Die you ugly son-of-a-b***h!" at one of the offending attackers. unfortunatly the GM manages to roll a crit failure... redithdoor who was in the back of the party, thus pegs ari, the vain one, in the back with an arrow. of course ari thinks that redithdoor meant to hit him.. and it was only compounded by the fact that redithdoor was scraming about "ugly sons-of-bitches." meanwhile i, the cleric, crack up in and OOG and precede to pull the arrow from ari's back and heal him up good.
ever since this incident ari/redithdoor relations have been strained tho.. and ari was trying really hard to be nice too!

[al-Lan Mandragoran]

Any time one of the PCs says magic missle.

[Binara]

I've got one from a scenario I played at Kamikaze Con.

I was playing a Half-Fairy/Half-Human Wizard (a rare species Player pick that I know of) female travelling with a male Archer/fighter to get an Orb that the goddess of Halflings (I can't remember her name) wanted us to retrieve. We had come across a Drow Sorcerer and his 3 Goblin minions. The archer decided to take on the drow. My wizard got the goblins. She cast a Ray of Frost (she's level 4 now, mind you) which did only 1 point of damage.

GM: You froze the Goblin's n****e, and it becomes very hard, and he starts to come up...

Goblins missed, my character has her turn again, and she notices the goblin's...thing doing that.

Binara(yes, that's her name): Eww, Eww, EWW! *swings her quarterstaff and misses* (This goes on for a while until Archer finishes off Drow and crit hits all three of the goblins.)

Bloodyfingers(the Archer): What kind of a Battle cry is "Eww, Eww, Eww"?!?

I ended up Oog cracking up and Binara looking at him weirdly.

Binara: Well, you weren't the one being attacked by a horny goblin!

Then Bloody and his player suggested that Binara look to see if the goblins had anything on them (which they didn't), and we all start cracking up oog about how small the goblin is. (It might be a bit inappropriate, but it was Sunday and we were all tired. But it's still quite funny to me.)

I'm not sure if I could post a BESM hilarious moment in this thread, but let me know if I can, you'd probably love it.

[Mustache]

Well, I was picked as a half gaint on one of my games.
Well, I was found in the beginning of the journey tied to a rock with no possetions not even a cloth(long story)
Anyway, night a came a coming.
Well we heard a pack of nasty somewhats.
Well I disided funck that Im not going to fight no group of nothing while my dang is hanging out.
So I run, I run and run and then no more run.
I ran smack into a tree delt myself crippling amounts of damage to a first level char. too.
Anyway next 4 hours I was nocked out cold, naked in the middle of a beast infested forest.
We all got our giggles off of it.

I have hundreds so I will probably be popping up in this theard again.

One more....
Were have a barbarin that refuses to go rampage....

[Mustache]

Okay another one.

Well our DM just got the book of viel darkness(laughing yet crying )
Any way our clan basicly lv.6 at the timewere in awe.
Well in our dungoen we enter a room and sitting there is a demon enfused elder black pudding....yay crying
Our celric charges followed by the barbarin, the fighter, and monk.
Me im a ranger. I run the other way and was the body collector that day.

[Mustache]

So... this is less funny and more wow.

A green hag was tourtering a gaint of some sort by blinding him and hitting him with whatever.
In addition the hag is invisable. And some where in a lake
We couldn't hit her because our archer for some reson had no arrows and our archane support was off that day.
So I go up to the giant and convince him to take our help.
I make a cheak to see if her foot prints or any movment can be detected in the water I succeeded.
I then tried to find where she was and directed the gaint to point to the area that she was.
I then had to guess how far away she was and directed the gaint to throw his trident.
Well the blind gaint hit the invisable hag from over 400 yards away.
We all giggled at that.

[TheJet20]

I remember back when I first started the campaign I'm in now. One of the other players and I had very... uh... different playing styyles, so naturally our characters got into quite a few heated arguments in the game about what course of action to pursue next.

My guy was a ranger, while his was a bard. This is important in what I'm about to tell you. I was in a bar drinking (my guy is every bit a drunkard) and his character decided to harass me about some mundane detail about the fight we had been in earlier. Well, he decided to make it personal and name calling ensued. In the end, he made the greivous mistake of insulting my characters mother... I had left my bow up in my room, but that didn't stop me. I used the bottle as a improvised ranged weapon (which means I threw the damn thing at his face) and even with the call shot and improvised weapon penalties my bonus was enough to smash him with it hard enough to knock his b***h a** out (he was at 14 hps and it did 8, and he failed his saving throw so he lost conciouisness for losing over half of his remaining hps in one hit... this is a house rule we play by, not a "official" rule)

the moral of this story is: never insult a ranger's mother when he has ANYTHING that could become a ranged weapon.

[The Paviche Largo]

Well, we have two grey elves and an orc in the campaign I'm currently in and the orc is continually threating my elf:
U(orc), E(elf),B(elf)
U- ORC SMASH!
E- It's broad daylight
U-*yells and runs ahead, getting hit with an axe in the head* It get dark
B- STAFF OF LIGHT!*waves it in U's face*
U-*runs again, nearly being killed by a Bugbear*
Then there was the time our fighter did nothing but quote The Princess Bride everytime we got into a fight.... A(fighter)
A- I am Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
E- one:Your name isn't Inigo Montoya two: you never mentioned your father three: That's a BUGBEAR it's stupid. It doesn't understand you.
A- *recites long quote from Wesley to Humperdink*
E- you also got that from The Princess Bride *blinks*

[Blitz_Blazer]

DM: What do you see.
Player: Four walls and a roof
DM: IS that all?
Player: Yep

[Kelissa]

You all amuse me.

[Aki_Nmutua]

okee.... it was a game at my friends house.... and I was my doppelganger rogue, and there was a dwarf fighter (player currently crapping) a drow monk, and a githzerai fighter. the hell a githzerai is ill never know, but anyways, we descended down a long staircase, and ended up in a huge cavern.

DM: you are in a huge cavern, water has collected in puddles around the floor, you can not see the other end even with your darkvision.

ME: uh.... i cast "read thoughts" as a free action and scan around for intelligent life forms.

DM: you scan nothing, only emptiness.

DROW: what about us?

DM: you dont count as intelligent life forms.

DROW: me and the fighter are really intelligent!

DM: you wanna know how intelligent the fighter is, female drow monk?

DROW: YES!!!

*percentile rolls*

FIGHTER: **that monk has a nice a**.... seriously! elves have nice butts!**

DM: see told ya you werent intelligent....

DROW: get away you freak!