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Cloudberry Wine

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Post: 98203811_1 created on Sat, 24 Oct 2015 23:26:00 +0000
Posted: Sat, 24 Oct 2015 23:26:00 +0000

Oh God, I've prayed to the stars for 17 years now to help ease this ache inside my chest -- but this despair within my soul cannot be soothed...Last week I begged the heavens to send me an angel and I fear they may have heard my call but could not or will not answer me. My life feels like tree sap; sticky, messy and desperately clinging to every crack in the bark...I keep thinking of taking to the blade again; carving up my skin as if that might somehow release the shards within that keep torturing me.

I'll be turning 21 soon and I'm so deeply terrified that without some kind of real direction in my life before then I'll finally really be able to kill myself...the means I've been waiting to smoother this pain inside will be readily available to me and I'm not going to care to stop myself this time. I can't keep fighting the demons in my head alone...I've reached out for help seven years now and all the therapy or pills in the world cannot save me...nor can all the connection to friends or family...I just don't know if I'll be able to wait until February to move on from this life if the Universe truly can't give me a reason to stay.

The world doesn't have room for me; America doesn't want me anyway -- I'm mentally ill and can't work or pay back my damned student loans...I'm just a waste of time and resources but I desperately want to be worthwhile...yet I know I'm not.

I just needed to get this out,..if anyone reading this has any thoughts I'm open to hear them...

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Post: 98203811_2 created on Sat, 24 Oct 2015 23:58:06 +0000
Posted: Sat, 24 Oct 2015 23:58:06 +0000

Dandie Stars

Can you explain what makes you in pain ? What caused your illness ?

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Post: 98203811_3 created on Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:01:14 +0000
Posted: Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:01:14 +0000

XxAriaxX

Can you explain what makes you in pain ? What caused your illness ?

Being born? There is no specific cause for bipolar disorder with psychotic features...but that's my diagnosis.

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Post: 98203811_4 created on Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:04:27 +0000
Posted: Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:04:27 +0000

Dandie Stars

Being born? There is no specific cause for bipolar disorder with psychotic features...but that's my diagnosis.

Life is hard. So the medications doesn't work or do they ?

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Post: 98203811_5 created on Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:07:52 +0000
Posted: Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:07:52 +0000

XxAriaxX

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Being born? There is no specific cause for bipolar disorder with psychotic features...but that's my diagnosis.

Life is hard. So the medications doesn't work or do they ?

They work for a few weeks and then I am pulled back into depression after that -- I've been on dozens of different medications and nothing helps for long.

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Post: 98203811_6 created on Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:10:05 +0000
Posted: Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:10:05 +0000

I don't live in the US. I don't know what are the ressources for people who suffers from mental illness. Usually,the government have program for people who needs help. It is really important for people who suffers from mental illness to take your medications you know ?

So, if you feel despair because you are afraid that you can't pay your loans, medications etc. Find out the resources first...

It is also helpful to receive advice from people who went through the same situation than you.
Maybe there's a gaia member here that has, and will post. Maybe not. Maybe there's other online community that you can find help.

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Post: 98203811_7 created on Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:15:46 +0000
Posted: Sun, 25 Oct 2015 00:15:46 +0000

Dandie Stars

XxAriaxX

Dandie Stars

Being born? There is no specific cause for bipolar disorder with psychotic features...but that's my diagnosis.

Life is hard. So the medications doesn't work or do they ?

They work for a few weeks and then I am pulled back into depression after that -- I've been on dozens of different medications and nothing helps for long.

You know, I've never been diagnosed with mental illness. Because I've never talked about it with a doctor. Therefore, I never took medications.

Even not having a diagnosed mental illness. I believe life is like that for every one. It has ups and downs. If therapy doesn't work for long, if means something happened to make you feel depressed again. Then you have to overcome what dragged you down.

It is the same for me. Sometimes I feel depressed over something. That thing, I went through it before but it comes back, so I have to over come it again.

Life is a rollercoaster of emotions.

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Post: 98203811_8 created on Sun, 25 Oct 2015 02:19:36 +0000
Posted: Sun, 25 Oct 2015 02:19:36 +0000

XxAriaxX

The most frustrating thing about my worries is that I've reached out time and time again to county and state resources and denied every time for some bullshit or another...when I was 18 and homeless I was denied access to shelter because I wasn't married or pregnant...when I was trying to get a psychiatrist after my other one no longer being able to work with me the county said my case was too high risk and a liability so I'd be better served by a private doctor. The private psychiatrist told me I'd be better served by county services...when I tried to get help from a program for people metal and physical disabilities they wouldn't help me because of the county crap again..I'm just so fed up with everything.

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Post: 98203811_9 created on Mon, 26 Oct 2015 19:15:07 +0000
Posted: Mon, 26 Oct 2015 19:15:07 +0000

The thing is, you will be thrown through loopholes. But, you will find help eventually. Mental illness isn't exactly an easy thing to get help/funding for, because many people do suffer from it, but manage with medication. So, they rather try and throw medication at a situation instead. If you are known to not keep up with your medication/medical/therapist visits, they tend to see you as someone who, "Isn't trying", and will usually hurt your chances at future help. (At least in Canada, that is what I have noticed.)

Also, sometimes medications do not work. You have to keep pushing that they are not working, and keep trying other kinds. There is a reason why there are dozens of medications out there. Everyone is completely different, and what may help one, may not help another. it takes trials, testing, errors, and re-trying to find what will actually work for you.

But giving up ENSURES that NOTHING WILL CHANGE, and everything will stay shitty in the end. Cutting will just leave scars, that will NEVER go away. You WILL regret them, when you are older. Cutting doesn't actually solve any problems either. It just give you lifetime scaring that you will grow to hate. Suicide just ends things on a shitty note. It would be awesome to live a full life, and go out happy, when it is your time. Live for the good, and live for the bad even. It takes both sides to shape you into a person.

If you ever need to talk, my inbox is open. I have been homeless throughout my life as well. (Most recently spent a few nights sleeping on a slide, in the park, because a tree was through my house.) I have also been diagnosed with many mental illnesses. (Bi-polar disorder, severe depression, severe anxiety, PTSD, etc etc etc.) So, I am more than happy to listen.

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Post: 98203811_10 created on Tue, 27 Oct 2015 09:59:04 +0000
Posted: Tue, 27 Oct 2015 09:59:04 +0000

What challenges you in an enjoyable way? take that and chase it like a bat out hell, accomplishment can really help ppl.

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Post: 98203811_11 created on Thu, 29 Oct 2015 15:29:02 +0000
Posted: Thu, 29 Oct 2015 15:29:02 +0000

Find and join a support group in your area.

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Post: 98203811_12 created on Thu, 29 Oct 2015 21:00:15 +0000
Posted: Thu, 29 Oct 2015 21:00:15 +0000

Medication alone is not very helpful for bipolar disorder. You need medication AND therapy to give you better skills so you can manage your chronic mental illness.

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Post: 98203811_13 created on Fri, 30 Oct 2015 10:23:08 +0000
Posted: Fri, 30 Oct 2015 10:23:08 +0000

Dandie Stars

What caused your pain? Maybe it would help if you process your thoughts and emotions. Write it all down, make a plan, find the solutions to your problems. We don't really know much about your life or background, but a few good real friends won't hurt. Try to make friends who can really help you. Make your own healing procedure. For me, I just needed time alone from everything. Arrange this alone time at least I guess twice a week. Treat your journal/diary like it's the enemy. Attack it with vents and raging weapons. Journals are good for that, curse in it, say the most brutal words, keep it in a very inaccessible place so no one can read it. I recommend to burn it after it's all used up.

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