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Devoted Friend

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Okay, so this is an idea that I'm kind of playing around with. I've titled this story The Changeling. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas on how I might be able to change it up a bit or make it better, I'm open to try them.


She was angrier than she'd ever been. Her enemies had found her again. They had attacked her and her friends, offering no mercy. They taunted her with insults. She knew she was different, but they didn't have to attack her friends to see that. That had been the last straw. Before she knew what was going on, glittering, gilded golden scales burst through her skin. Her fingers grew and sharpened into claws; her nose lengthened and smoke streamed from her nostrils. Her eyes became slitted like a cat's eyes, and she grew a long, heavy tail, with four spikes on the end. A pair of horns grew from her head, and a spike grew from the back of each wrist and heel. Her wings had a leathery texture.

She swiped at the nearest enemy, slashing his arm, and threw him against a nearby wall. The next enemy she breathed lightning at, shocking him. The rest of the gang backed away and fled in terror, leaving their two comrades lying in the alley. She turned to her friends to see them looking at her with fear in their eyes.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" she asked. Her best friend, Luke, spoke quietly.

"You mean you don't know what just happened?" he asked. He stood where he was, trying to comprehend what had just happened. She shook her head.

"Look at Jak," Luke said, pointing at one of her fallen enemies. She turned to look and saw the long cuts on his right arm.

"What did that?" she asked.

"You did, Jana," said Jona, another of her friends and Luke's cousin. He was very shaken by what he had just seen, and he wasn't sure what to make of it.

"How would I have done that?" Jana asked.

"You have no idea what you just did, do you?" asked Jona. Jana shook her head.

"You turned into a monster," Luke said quietly, and he knew she could see the fear in his eyes. Jana stared at him.

"What are you talking about, Luke?" she asked. "What kind of monster?"

"You turned into a dragon," said a new voice. The three friends turned to see a stranger at the mouth of the alley. Where he had come from, none of them knew.

"How did I turn into a dragon?" Jana asked.

"You are a changeling," said the stranger. "A shape-shifter."

Demonic Human

The thing that stood out immediately was the structure.
It's all wall of text, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue.
You'd want to intersperse the dialogue with descriptions as to what exactly they are doing.

You also don't need each piece of speech to have a 'she' or some other person attached to it, sometime it can be implied.
It can be a good way to introducing character's personalities though so if you give them all different speech patterns or verbal tics, people will learn about the characters.

It's a good idea but I'm going to recommend the time honoured, show don't tell.
Rather than "her body was growing scales" you could try "gilded scales burst through her skin". This way, you mention the scales only once thus avoiding repetition later. I like idea of golden scales but I want to know more about them. Are they dull? Are they shimmering? Do they catch the light? I added burst as it shows that the scales are arriving quickly (that was the sense of speed I got from "before she knew what was going on) and it doesn't simply subscribe to an object (her body) being acted upon.
Mixing it up can keep reader's interested.

Good idea, and a great base to expand on. Keep up with it.

Devoted Friend

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Hmm. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll have to give them a try and see what it looks like. Also, I hadn't thought about the questions regarding her scales. I'll add in some other things, so that readers know what Luke and Jona are doing while they're speaking with Jana.

Headstrong Bard

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Nice! One of the things I noticed was that no incorrect grammar was used. Thank you. And, I like the idea. You kinda repititioned here and there, but you made me understand the story. I like it, don't have much on complaints, quote me once you start it, cause I'll be interested heart

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okay, so I edited the post. feedback is welcome, and I'm still open to trying out new ideas.

Toothsome Elder

Longshot: if you go to Hollins, you were one of my students because I've read this exact story before. That said, multiple students have turned in stories like this.

That said, multiple people from a very small pool of students have turned a story with this exact premise in. Original? Not as it is right now. As a reader, I'd like more world-building. Is this where the story starts? If not, where does it start? How are the characters different from each other? What is it like to live in this world?

I don't mean any of the above to come off as rude.

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Soup Dumpling
Longshot: if you go to Hollins, you were one of my students because I've read this exact story before. That said, multiple students have turned in stories like this.

That said, multiple people from a very small pool of students have turned a story with this exact premise in. Original? Not as it is right now. As a reader, I'd like more world-building. Is this where the story starts? If not, where does it start? How are the characters different from each other? What is it like to live in this world?

I don't mean any of the above to come off as rude.


where is Hollins? no, I never went there. this is something I came up with entirely on my own. yes, this is where the story starts. the characters are different from each other in that the main female character is a shape-shifter, or as I call them, changeling. her two best friends, who are cousins, are not. none of them had any idea she could transform until the attack. also, the main female character is living in a world of fear, because she is afraid of being captured and relocated, like has happened to the vast majority of her kind. and i don't find any of this rude. like I said, I'm open to suggestions.

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