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I'd really rather do nothing today. I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to go do car stuff, I don't want to go to work tomorrow, I'unno. I would honestly rather just hermit for a while. Which is precisely why I'm going to get up and go be responsible or something, but. Dang, I really wish there were just more time in my day, so that everyone could be happy. So that the things I "have" to do get done, the world is A-OK, and then I can retreat back to my own corner of the world and relax for a bit.

Is there a word for the feeling of staring at clocks, watching seconds pass in dread, knowing that you can't really do anything about it but still wishing there were some way you could barter some of that time back into your hands? That's basically where my day is. No, I think that's where my life has been, for a while. I feel time slipping out of the cracks between my fingers, and I'm no closer to where I want to be. There's just so much in the way, I feel. There are so many hoops to jump through, so many dumb obligations. And they're all conflicting with each other, so I have to diplomatically navigate each passing minute, it feels like. And some things get neglected entirely, which carries its own type of weight. A different type of burden, I guess. And, some days? I just feel so done. I'unno. I think it's honestly this friggin' job, dude. And I keep telling myself, "Just stick it out a little longer." "Use the resources it gives you." Which, it does. It gives partial tuition reimbursement. Not particularly much for what I need to pay, but I'd take anything at this point. Besides, it's a stable income. Just, man. It's draining. You basically sit at your desk all day, waiting on pins and needles for a call to come through, waiting for some nasty self-entitled shitstain to get through and yell at you for twenty-to-forty minutes about why you're the worst person on Earth for not micromanaging their finances for them. That's basically my day, haha. I come to slightly resent our agents, a bit, simply because they're the conduit to which I have to entertain these grown toddlers. And, it's terribly unfair - because it isn't any of their faults. They did all they could with the tools they have, and I recognize it. But, man, Pavlov knew what was up. There's only so many times someone can ring a bell and smack you upside the head before you start to really hate bells.

I was really banking on coming back from my trip refreshed. I don't know what I was expecting, to be honest. But, like. Even that, I didn't get to spend as much time with my friends out there as I would have liked. My entire last day was spent in my hotel room, since I didn't have any means of transportation, anxiously waiting for the next day, which I would spend the entirety of in transit between airports. I know, I had a lot of good times out there. But now that they've passed, they're really good for nothing, in a practical sense. They've passed. The past doesn't really exist in a tangible sense. And, well. I'unno. I guess I'm starting to realize that living for periods of time scattered throughout not-so-distant futures, then having them pass and expecting situations to be more bearable? I'm realizing that isn't really how life works.

I'unno. I just, I guess I'll see about scheduling some time off next week. I need to get the whole residency thing sorted out for school. The scholarship really only balanced out in and out of state tuition, so I may as well get in-state with no strings attached. I just wish my mom would hurry up on sending me that information for FAFSA. The sooner I can get that filled out, the sooner I can try to keep mitigating school costs. Another pipe dream I've let go of is getting through school without any debt. I'm gonna be hurting for a while, I'm sure. But I'd rather make progress than just sit and wait, and keep living for "next week's" or "next month's."

Ha. Ellie used to tell me that the amount I'd invested into this job is approaching career status. That's a terrifying thought. But, like. I feel that's all one can really do, in this type of environment. Go in for a few months then bail, or go balls deep. The former wasn't really an option for me, since. Well. No support net, or anything. So, I kind of had to invest 100%. I just, man. I want to get out, though. Do something that doesn't leave me hating everyone at the end of the day.

brian's leaving for texas tomorrow at 2am.

and then i'm here alone.