Let me rant, yes.
For those who see it.
What you read, may be advice for something in your life.
If someone who knows me, choose to ignore it, and listen to it thoroughly.
I can no longer count the times I've rolled the dice with my life, with happiness, with anything to be honest anymore.
Seven ******** days. Fourteen hours of sleep.
Through sorting, filing, and pushing memories off the side.
I've come to the conclusion,
I haven't beaten myself so far into the dark, so far into the ground, that I can push and burn every bridge before me.
Do I care about my life? Certainly not, I'm living with the lives given to me. No more green mushrooms to push me up, after I've fallen in battle, no more phoenix downs for a partner to throw onto me once I've fallen, and no more revives to be tossed out for me to have one more chance at a fight.
Am I giving up? ******** no. I'm just living the life that has been thrown out to me at this point.
Am I unhappy? Yes, but I'm not that unhappy that I hate my life and want to set it ablaze.
Could I do something to make it better? Maybe, maybe not. I don't really know anymore.
I'm not broken in the sense, that I need someone to pick me up, hug me and slowly glue me back together.
I need someone to stand beside me, and walk the path I've set for my self. If it's wrong, they try to steer me back to the right, unless they want to follow me through and through to the darker side of life.
I lost one of the last lights I had in my life Friday, yes it hurts a lot, and I keep thinking that it was a dream, and that's one big reason I don't want to sleep. Cause every time I do get an hour to three of sleep, I see that little ghost, and I see it happy to see me. It hits hard, a nail deep into the heart that tears through what is left of the good inside of me.
I look back on my actions of the past year, am I happy?
For somethings, yes I am. There is a lot of good memories I can look back on, and smile and see that maybe one day I'll have a nice life and someone to love me for the ******** up person I am.
I can see hope, and I can see lights flickering in the distances.
What makes me sick, is that I pushed myself to try and try to make something better. When at the beginning there was no chance at it.
"You didn't fail..Fixing problems and trying to make things better, takes two. Not just one. Never think you failed yourself.."
Hearing those words, from a person who usually just gives me the blunt truth on what I should do, and tries to stop me from hurting my self emotionally. Is something I'd never expect.
I didn't fail.
No. Not at all.
I broke and tore down my ******** walls, I took off the mask and I ******** threw it to the wall to watch it shatter. I started to open up to people.
Now, I can't believe, when I take a breath. There is still a good thing left inside of me. But, I know there is.
My heart is where it's at. And it stays there, to remind me. To remind me of all the happiness I had, not all the bad.
So to you.
Yes, to you.
We are all made of broken parts.
We all make mistakes.
We all assume.
We all let the darkest thoughts get to us.
You became the dark sick being I once was. Even though you say you haven't. But your heart has grown cold, and dark. You don't love, you just want to play.
And ya know. That's fine. But don't play with the emotions of those who do truly care for, and would take a bullet for you, as well would do anything ******** thing to make you happy.
I've been given three years to live cause of my weak heart, without changing the way I live.
I can't deal with the stress in my life alone anymore.
And for that, I'm not able to change what causes my blood pressure to sky rocket, and cause heart problems.
I can't stand being alone, and watching one of my best friends deal with cancer, and me not being able to do anything to help him at all. Like it was with my grandpa.
I'm continuing to gamble, but it's my way to cope..
If people want to burn the bridges and do nothing to repair them at all. It shows they truly never wanted me in their lives.
I'm the one people see as a demon, the one they see as a ghost.
I remind them of the good and the bad.
And I'm locked inside of that box that keep inside the back of their mind.
I don't take joy being that to people...Not anymore.
When will people finally open their eyes and see, there's no mask, there's nothing but a man, that in pieces. But doing his best to try and make the most of what he's got? And to find the right paths that set before him?
Who knows..I'm not counting anymore. I'm just remaining in the same place.
I can smile, and just relax back, while going through everything inside my mind, til those people who do care to fix things come back to me.
I've never went anywhere else. And I never will.
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