I cried myself to sleep again last night.

[Miku-Marmalade]

Its normal for me.
I thought about how bad my mother mentally abused me and how childhood can basically be summed up in the phrase "Lock her up, she's crazy. " And why I now seclude myself on a normal bases from people in real life. I don't seek therapy in real life because it's the same set of people who supported my mothers decisions.

I fantasized about death again(but no way am I going to actually commit suicide or even share with anyone in real life. I'll pass on the consequences that come along with it such as
Involuntary inpatient treatment
5-7 days away from my apartment
Being put back on psych pills(which is a requirement if I am in that setting)
Being discharged and going home to the same exact place with paperwork stating "scheduled appointment at outpatient.
Please go back to the outpatient clinic with useless professionals that even though I'm not certified to do so can do a much better job helping myself than they can helping me.

I'm alone a lot and scarily am very used to it. It's to the point where it's normal for me to cry myself to sleep. It depresses me very much. But it's literally cry myself to sleep alone or trust that set of people to "help me".

Recently I was in a position of insomnia. I was in the ER for almost an entire day. Called 911 myself for myself. I got the help for the insomnia. Afterwards it went sour. The staff there continuously tried to contact that center for permission to discharge me back to my apartment. The usual run around which I am all too familiar with happened to them.
"Oh, that patient. Let me look up her records. Oh she requested a re-evaluation for herself." I looked at them with this attitude "Why do you think I don't bother with them?" But because I informed them that I had bipolar it became more than it needed to.
I was bored to death. As a safety precaution I wasn't allowed my cell phone.
Long story short, I deliberately "acted psychotic" frustrated that I wasn't allowed to get help with insomnia and just go home. That act got me in a ward for five days.

So now thus I cry at night alone to avoid situations as such.
. I will not promise anything farther than I am not a threat to my life or anyone else's. Depression of my life, I just suck it up.

[Fifth Trustee]

Miku-Marmalade

Its normal for me.
I thought about how bad my mother mentally abused me and how childhood can basically be summed up in the phrase "Lock her up, she's crazy. " And why I now seclude myself on a normal bases from people in real life. I don't seek therapy in real life because it's the same set of people who supported my mothers decisions.

I fantasized about death again(but no way am I going to actually commit suicide or even share with anyone in real life. I'll pass on the consequences that come along with it such as
Involuntary inpatient treatment
5-7 days away from my apartment
Being put back on psych pills(which is a requirement if I am in that setting)
Being discharged and going home to the same exact place with paperwork stating "scheduled appointment at outpatient.
Please go back to the outpatient clinic with useless professionals that even though I'm not certified to do so can do a much better job helping myself than they can helping me.

I'm alone a lot and scarily am very used to it. It's to the point where it's normal for me to cry myself to sleep. It depresses me very much. But it's literally cry myself to sleep alone or trust that set of people to "help me".

Recently I was in a position of insomnia. I was in the ER for almost an entire day. Called 911 myself for myself. I got the help for the insomnia. Afterwards it went sour. The staff there continuously tried to contact that center for permission to discharge me back to my apartment. The usual run around which I am all too familiar with happened to them.
"Oh, that patient. Let me look up her records. Oh she requested a re-evaluation for herself." I looked at them with this attitude "Why do you think I don't bother with them?" But because I informed them that I had bipolar it became more than it needed to.
I was bored to death. As a safety precaution I wasn't allowed my cell phone.
Long story short, I deliberately "acted psychotic" frustrated that I wasn't allowed to get help with insomnia and just go home. That act got me in a ward for five days.

So now thus I cry at night alone to avoid situations as such.
. I will not promise anything farther than I am not a threat to my life or anyone else's. Depression of my life, I just suck it up.

Hey, I'm sorry that you've been feeling so horrible : what was it like when you were on medication? Did you change your lifestyle to get off of them? May I ask how old you are?
I definitely think there's a therapist out there for everyone. I know you've had bad experiences, but have you lived in just one area? No one is the same and I can guarantee even different ends of the country (US, if you live there) are drastically different when it comes to how patients are treated and evaluated. I have yet to find my therapist, so I'm still looking, but maybe you should save up and get out of where ever you are. Give yourself something to plan and look forward to. Go workout because it's the best natural antidepressant you'll find. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but I'm just starting this myself. After getting my fat a** to the gym yesterday, I worked out less then I'd hoped but still had that post-workout high.

Also, I don't know if you've been eating a lot of sugar and junk food because of the holidays. That might definitely have something to do with your mental state. I definitely think it's been killing mine, so I'm going to try to cut 'er out. I ******** love Reese's big cups tho pirate

Start focusing yourself on something that you can do a little every day and see results over time that will improve your self-esteem. I'm definitely not always going to be this young to be able to get myself back where I want to be.

If you ever want to talk or anything, just private message me. I know what it's like to be lonely, but there are great ways to start loving yourself and loving to be alone and being with yourself.

I hope this helped and I'm no professional, obviously, and I definitely think that you need to keep pursuing a therapist that fits you first and foremost. If you do these other things, it'll just help your body want to make your mind be happy whee

[Miku-Marmalade]

Fifth Trustee

Miku-Marmalade

Its normal for me.
I thought about how bad my mother mentally abused me and how childhood can basically be summed up in the phrase "Lock her up, she's crazy. " And why I now seclude myself on a normal bases from people in real life. I don't seek therapy in real life because it's the same set of people who supported my mothers decisions.

I fantasized about death again(but no way am I going to actually commit suicide or even share with anyone in real life. I'll pass on the consequences that come along with it such as
Involuntary inpatient treatment
5-7 days away from my apartment
Being put back on psych pills(which is a requirement if I am in that setting)
Being discharged and going home to the same exact place with paperwork stating "scheduled appointment at outpatient.
Please go back to the outpatient clinic with useless professionals that even though I'm not certified to do so can do a much better job helping myself than they can helping me.

I'm alone a lot and scarily am very used to it. It's to the point where it's normal for me to cry myself to sleep. It depresses me very much. But it's literally cry myself to sleep alone or trust that set of people to "help me".

Recently I was in a position of insomnia. I was in the ER for almost an entire day. Called 911 myself for myself. I got the help for the insomnia. Afterwards it went sour. The staff there continuously tried to contact that center for permission to discharge me back to my apartment. The usual run around which I am all too familiar with happened to them.
"Oh, that patient. Let me look up her records. Oh she requested a re-evaluation for herself." I looked at them with this attitude "Why do you think I don't bother with them?" But because I informed them that I had bipolar it became more than it needed to.
I was bored to death. As a safety precaution I wasn't allowed my cell phone.
Long story short, I deliberately "acted psychotic" frustrated that I wasn't allowed to get help with insomnia and just go home. That act got me in a ward for five days.

So now thus I cry at night alone to avoid situations as such.
. I will not promise anything farther than I am not a threat to my life or anyone else's. Depression of my life, I just suck it up.

Hey, I'm sorry that you've been feeling so horrible : what was it like when you were on medication? Did you change your lifestyle to get off of them? May I ask how old you are?
I definitely think there's a therapist out there for everyone. I know you've had bad experiences, but have you lived in just one area? No one is the same and I can guarantee even different ends of the country (US, if you live there) are drastically different when it comes to how patients are treated and evaluated. I have yet to find my therapist, so I'm still looking, but maybe you should save up and get out of where ever you are. Give yourself something to plan and look forward to. Go workout because it's the best natural antidepressant you'll find. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but I'm just starting this myself. After getting my fat a** to the gym yesterday, I worked out less then I'd hoped but still had that post-workout high.

Also, I don't know if you've been eating a lot of sugar and junk food because of the holidays. That might definitely have something to do with your mental state. I definitely think it's been killing mine, so I'm going to try to cut 'er out. I ******** love Reese's big cups tho pirate

Start focusing yourself on something that you can do a little every day and see results over time that will improve your self-esteem. I'm definitely not always going to be this young to be able to get myself back where I want to be.

If you ever want to talk or anything, just private message me. I know what it's like to be lonely, but there are great ways to start loving yourself and loving to be alone and being with yourself.

I hope this helped and I'm no professional, obviously, and I definitely think that you need to keep pursuing a therapist that fits you first and foremost. If you do these other things, it'll just help your body want to make your mind be happy whee

Thanks for the response....
I swam...Like yesterday.
I've lived primarily in the southeast region, but I'm from the northeastern region.
What was it like on medication, well I felt unlike myself. Like a zombie. I especially noticed the difference when listening to my iPod. The music was slower. So basically it messes with my mind even more.

Crying is therapeutic for me. It allows me to acknowledge that I am hurt.

Emotions are not good or bad. They are signals of proof that I am alive.

As for for eating, I rarely touch sugar unless it is on fruits(I love fruits)
My first post is just a fragment of the pain I lived in my childhood. Does it bother me, yes. Does it bother me to the point where I cannot function as an adult, not at all. In fact, I'd say my dark past gives me more of a reason to live. It's not like I can change the past. I can change the future(referring to my life choices).

[M4SSACRE]

I feel horrible about what you're going through, my mother used to tell me to just cry it out because it is therapeutic. Sorry for an extremely short response, but crying is an amazing way of letting stress out and despite being the lowest a person can get, it's also the best.

[Miku-Marmalade]

M4SSACRE

I feel horrible about what you're going through, my mother used to tell me to just cry it out because it is therapeutic. Sorry for an extremely short response, but crying is an amazing way of letting stress out and despite being the lowest a person can get, it's also the best.

Short response is a response. And I agree. Allowing myself to disarm my toughness is extremely beneficial.

Like the song title by Kelly Clarkson and probably many other artist that I will not list, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

My interpretation is quite simple, perception of crying varies greatly. To me, it's a sign that you are a caring human. That you experience pain. It means you're are alive.