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That began like this?

She crept upon them as a tiger upon its prey. She gave a swift movement causing them to stop ********. She held a large butcher knife used for cutting large chunks of raw steak in a 5 star restaurant. It glistened in the dim light of the moon as she brought it down spilling blood upon every part of the room. She felt the familiar thrill racing through her body, causing every nerve to tremble in excitement. It could only be described as the thrill she got from cutting herself, only possessing her whole body. She favored the corpses with a grin before she began to cut them into small chunks. Slowly little pieces of her ex-lover and his girlfriend were put in a cooler.
After she finished her grisly deed, she looked in a mirror to reveal herself splattered in blood. Giving her reflection the same insane grin, she began to lick the blood off her hands. As the warm sticky liquid slid over her tongue and down her throat, the sun was beginning to rise. As a memento of her night for the detectives to find, she left the ring finger of the girl with its shiny diamond ring. It glistened in the rising sun until it too was red by the deep hues of blood that ran in rivets across the bed. She carried the cooler down to the restaurant walk in freezer where she placed the evidence where it could easily be found. She slid her long, pierced tongue over the knife to clean it before placing it in she head of the female in which was mutilated to the point of inreconizability.
Okay. Yes, very dark. Some say there is never a need to kill. Death needs work too.
Any idea how I could make it better?
No, I wouldn't. Just not to my personal taste.
I certainly wouldn't read it.
Ahh...well now, that was something! sweatdrop

Maybe you could work on the wording a bit. It feels a little rushed... Describe the scene toward the beginning of the story, and perhaps add more of an explination toward certain aspects of the murderer. For instance, the description of the knife -"a large butcher knife used for cutting large chunks of raw steak in a 5 star restaurant"- is just a tad awkward with no other explination. Also, because it's a butcher knife, one already assumes it is used for cutting meat, and the bit about chunks of steak isn't really needed. Simply stating where it came from (and perhaps a hint as to how she got it) might sound better.

That's my opinion, of course, so do what you want~ It definately keeps one's attention, so all in all, good work!
i think it would be one of those stories that i start but never finish
she sounds insane, perhaps practice pacing?
alan rainheart
she sounds insane, perhaps practice pacing?

Pacing?
Don't start so many sentances with the word, 'she'.
I don't think so. In fact I may be sick from just reading that. eek

No offence intended. I have a weak stomach.
Romulus
Don't start so many sentances with the word, 'she'.

Well there is no way to do it otherwise because the idea is for you to figure out who the killer is. Like at the end of the story
Cheereo
I don't think so. In fact I may be sick from just reading that. eek

No offence intended. I have a weak stomach.

None taken. In fact I think I wrote it that way..although I should have been more descriptive about the particular deaths of the two lovers
PinkKornLover
Cheereo
I don't think so. In fact I may be sick from just reading that. eek

No offence intended. I have a weak stomach.

None taken. In fact I think I wrote it that way..although I should have been more descriptive about the particular deaths of the two lovers


If what you wanted was to turn people with weak stomachs green, then that would have helped. I don't think I'd have been able to finish reading. As it was, I just felt ill.
Cheereo
PinkKornLover
Cheereo
I don't think so. In fact I may be sick from just reading that. eek

No offence intended. I have a weak stomach.

None taken. In fact I think I wrote it that way..although I should have been more descriptive about the particular deaths of the two lovers


If what you wanted was to turn people with weak stomachs green, then that would have helped. I don't think I'd have been able to finish reading. As it was, I just felt ill.

Yeah. Actually I was going for a scary type point of view. And to be honest my help for the story was excellent on helping me with the killer's feelings

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