The future Gypsy

[Riza Maeda]

"See your future my child. Come look," beckoned an old gypsy. I curiously stepped forward inching slowly as the world seem to fall quiet. "Come now child." The gypsy put out her hand for mine. I calmly took her hand and stepped into a gold tent. The tent had nothing more but a table and crystal ball. My curiosity peeked. "Sit, sit," she said in a happy manner. I sat across the table uncertain to what may occur. The gypsy sat with an almost demented smile smeared across her face. "Now my dear. Look into the ball and watch as your future unfolds." I hesitated to look but my eyes seem drawn to it. I stared at the ball as well as the gypsy. A foggy cloud seemed to form in it. The gypsy seemed to be in shock as she stared at the ball. I saw nothing only the fog. She looked at me and covered the ball panting as if scared. "Leave," she shouted at me. I looked at her bewildered and jumped out of my chair running out of the tent. The gypsy looked into the ball and shook her head. "This is bad." The ball showed me standing a top corpses an evil look almost piercing the soul.

((criticism welcomed))

[moments after you]

This is wonderful so far, but it needs some improvement.

I suggest trying to elaborate on details. If you want impact, build up to it. For example, maybe try to describe the way the gypsy activates the crystal ball with all that hand movement they do. Also, I don't get why they point of view switches at the last sentence. Leave it with your character running out of the tent and end it there. If you want to have what they gypsy saw in the ball, maybe have your character see a little glimpse of it. Other than that, stick to one person's P.O.V.

These are just suggestions! O u O

[Riza Maeda]

moments after you

This is wonderful so far, but it needs some improvement.

I suggest trying to elaborate on details. If you want impact, build up to it. For example, maybe try to describe the way the gypsy activates the crystal ball with all that hand movement they do. Also, I don't get why they point of view switches at the last sentence. Leave it with your character running out of the tent and end it there. If you want to have what they gypsy saw in the ball, maybe have your character see a little glimpse of it. Other than that, stick to one person's P.O.V.

These are just suggestions! O u O

>~< thanks. I was half asleep typing xP