Esanx
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- Posted: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 02:56:19 +0000
"Sir Greph, we haven't gone outside the caste in quite some time." observed king Roj, stroking the fine hairs on his chin. He twirled his finger inside his short beard.
"I suppose so." agreed Greph in a low, muffled voice. Paper filled his mouth and mind.
"We should go for a walk." suggested the king, lifting himself out from his throne chair.
"I suppose so." Greph gave a curt nod before spitting his paper out. "A walk?" coughed the goat. Shreds of paper rained forth from his jaw.
"Aye, a nice walking through town, just you and me! Like the old days."
"The old days, Your Majesty? I seem to remember the old days being nothing but you, me, and a couple of very naughty slimes-"
"I mean the old, old days!" exclaimed the king.
"Well, these aren't the old days nor are they the old, old days. Assassins may be out there. There has been talk of an usurper plotting against you."
"Usurper, smusurper. I can take out any assassin with these beauties." He kissed his fists and swung at the air. "Did I ever tell you how I punched an orc to death?" He could already see his imaginary, ancient foe before him. He jabbed at the invisible orc and let out a victorious grunt as he watched it fly back.
"Only ten times." sighed Greph.
"It was a beautiful day." began Roj. "I believe it was...thirty years ago, or close to it! I was minding my own business, just walking through an enchanted forest when I saw an orc beating up a helpless squirrel! A squirrel! How could anyone do anything to such an adorable creature?"
"You said it was a deer last time." pointed out Greph, only to be hushed by the king.
"The poor thing was crying out for help and I answered!" Roj punched the air. "A fist right in its mouth! And then-" He swung low. "A fist in the belly! Oh, and then I-!" The king hammered his hand down. "I broke his skull! Just like that! Did you see my punch?"
"It was a nice punch, Your Majesty." yawned the goat.
"Did you really look?"
"Of course, Your Majesty."
"Then which fist did I use?"
"The right one."
Roj nodded slowly and crossed his arms. "As accurate as always!"
"It's my job to watch and guide you, Your Majesty." And because you used the right fist last time you told this story. Greph exhaled and waltzed beside the king. "Well, if you must go for a walk, then let us make it quick."
"Great!" Roj ran ahead like an eager child. He slammed the doors open. "We're going for a walk!"
"Have fun, Your Majesty." said the guard, flipping through a book. He lied on his stomach outside the throne room with an arm propped under his cheek.
"Reading on the job?" accused Greph, glaring at the relaxed guard.
"I've got good hearing. I'll hear the enemy from a mile away." mumbled the guard, kicking his legs up in the air as he scanned the page. "Hey, this book says that a man can make any girl for in love with him. Is that true?"
"Hm? Are you reading a spell book?"
"Not exactly. It says that if I send fifty gold pieces and a key to my house, along with my address, then they'll send me a love potion that will make me irresistible!"
"I-Is that true?!" stammered the king, racing over to the guard and glancing down at the tome. "By the gods, four out of every five alchemists say it works!"
"Your Majesty, it's a scam."
"Books can't lie." declared the king.
"Yeah, books can't lie." seconded the guard. "Aye! Squire!" A young boy in a white tunic jumped from a nearby bench. "Bring me some paper and quills!" The boy nodded and raced off. "Five gold pieces says he'll forget to bring the ink pot."
"Betting isn't a healthy-"
"You're on!" The king sat beside the guard. "Oh! Look at the bottom! A ring that can enhance your..." The king grinned and blushed beneath his beard.
"And with the love potion..." The guard face outshone the king's.
"What happened to the walk, Your Majesty?" grumbled Greph.
"Hey, I walked outside the throne room, right? That's good enough- There's a pet dragon you can order!"
"Oh my gods, look at its big, adorable eyes!" squealed the guard, slamming his hands down on the page. "I need it, I need it, I need it!"
"Who needs women when you have dragons!" proclaimed the king. The guard quickly nodded and saluted Roj.
"A wise king! Truly wise!" praised the guard.
"It's only common sense." explained the king humbly. "Oh! Look! A magic sword that turns all its victims into stone!"
"We should order enough swords for everyone in the kingdom! We'll be invisible!"
"Invincible." corrected Greph irritably.
"No, invisible! There's a hat that makes you vanish when you wear it!"
"We could spy on all the nice slimes- I mean, ladies!" snickered the king, rubbing his hands together.
"An ingenious plan!" The guard flipped the page. "Baby chimeras! You can order baby chimeras!"
"Three adorable heads for the price of one!" The king pounded his fist on the ground. "Greph, order me twenty!"
"Tw-Twenty, Your Majesty?"
"Yes! And five dragons. Oh, and the ring. I won't need the potion. If I get any more handsome, every lady on this planet with explode with lust!" gloated the king smugly.
"With...lust?" Greph frowned. "Are you sure we have the money for such...purchases?"
"Definitely! And we'll easily make the money back easily with our chimeras and dragons!"
"Can you order me a sexy fairy?"
"Oh, and a sexy fairy for the guard." added Roj.
Greph rolled his eyes. "I don't know if that's wise. As your adviser-"
"But I'm king!" groaned Roj, rolling on the floor. "And king's get their way! Come on, it's so boring around here!"
"Boring? We just enlisted a promising lad yesterday, Voin, was it? Why don't you visit him?"
"I'll visit him with dragons and chimeras! And then I'll visit the ladies with my new, huge-" The king stopped himself, but his perverted grin betrayed him.
"I see..." Greph gave a defeated sigh. "I will ask for their speediest delivery." muttered Greph, turning his back on the two.
"Can we get a talking flower?"
"Why would we need that?"
"Well...It can sing..." whimpered the king.
"And they come in six different colors!" included the guard.
"Yeah! Six different colors!"
"And which color do you desire, Your Majesty?"
The king leaned close to the guard and the two whispered for a moment. "All of them." answered Roj, nodding energetically.
"We can cut the chimeras down to ten, but keep the dragons at five! And two magic rings, since the guard wants one too. Then the flowers, and a sexy fairy!"
"And that's all, Your Majesty?"
"Yep!"
"Alright then, I'll-"
"Oh! Add the magic key to the list!" burst the guard, prodding a picture in the book with his finger. "It says that if you use it on a wall, it'll create a magical doorway that will always take you home!"
"Oh, we definitely need that! You know, in case that lusurper shows up."
"It's usurper, Your Majesty." nagged Greph.
"Same thing."
"No, the thing you said doesn't exist."
"We can make it exist."
"King Roj, you cannot simply-"
"I think lusurper should be a kind of soup." offered the guard.
"Perfect! Greph, make a chef design a soup named lusurper."
"I...I'll try, Your Majesty..." What happened to that walk? wondered Greph solemnly, trudging off to find a courier and a chef. ...What happened to being an adviser?
"I suppose so." agreed Greph in a low, muffled voice. Paper filled his mouth and mind.
"We should go for a walk." suggested the king, lifting himself out from his throne chair.
"I suppose so." Greph gave a curt nod before spitting his paper out. "A walk?" coughed the goat. Shreds of paper rained forth from his jaw.
"Aye, a nice walking through town, just you and me! Like the old days."
"The old days, Your Majesty? I seem to remember the old days being nothing but you, me, and a couple of very naughty slimes-"
"I mean the old, old days!" exclaimed the king.
"Well, these aren't the old days nor are they the old, old days. Assassins may be out there. There has been talk of an usurper plotting against you."
"Usurper, smusurper. I can take out any assassin with these beauties." He kissed his fists and swung at the air. "Did I ever tell you how I punched an orc to death?" He could already see his imaginary, ancient foe before him. He jabbed at the invisible orc and let out a victorious grunt as he watched it fly back.
"Only ten times." sighed Greph.
"It was a beautiful day." began Roj. "I believe it was...thirty years ago, or close to it! I was minding my own business, just walking through an enchanted forest when I saw an orc beating up a helpless squirrel! A squirrel! How could anyone do anything to such an adorable creature?"
"You said it was a deer last time." pointed out Greph, only to be hushed by the king.
"The poor thing was crying out for help and I answered!" Roj punched the air. "A fist right in its mouth! And then-" He swung low. "A fist in the belly! Oh, and then I-!" The king hammered his hand down. "I broke his skull! Just like that! Did you see my punch?"
"It was a nice punch, Your Majesty." yawned the goat.
"Did you really look?"
"Of course, Your Majesty."
"Then which fist did I use?"
"The right one."
Roj nodded slowly and crossed his arms. "As accurate as always!"
"It's my job to watch and guide you, Your Majesty." And because you used the right fist last time you told this story. Greph exhaled and waltzed beside the king. "Well, if you must go for a walk, then let us make it quick."
"Great!" Roj ran ahead like an eager child. He slammed the doors open. "We're going for a walk!"
"Have fun, Your Majesty." said the guard, flipping through a book. He lied on his stomach outside the throne room with an arm propped under his cheek.
"Reading on the job?" accused Greph, glaring at the relaxed guard.
"I've got good hearing. I'll hear the enemy from a mile away." mumbled the guard, kicking his legs up in the air as he scanned the page. "Hey, this book says that a man can make any girl for in love with him. Is that true?"
"Hm? Are you reading a spell book?"
"Not exactly. It says that if I send fifty gold pieces and a key to my house, along with my address, then they'll send me a love potion that will make me irresistible!"
"I-Is that true?!" stammered the king, racing over to the guard and glancing down at the tome. "By the gods, four out of every five alchemists say it works!"
"Your Majesty, it's a scam."
"Books can't lie." declared the king.
"Yeah, books can't lie." seconded the guard. "Aye! Squire!" A young boy in a white tunic jumped from a nearby bench. "Bring me some paper and quills!" The boy nodded and raced off. "Five gold pieces says he'll forget to bring the ink pot."
"Betting isn't a healthy-"
"You're on!" The king sat beside the guard. "Oh! Look at the bottom! A ring that can enhance your..." The king grinned and blushed beneath his beard.
"And with the love potion..." The guard face outshone the king's.
"What happened to the walk, Your Majesty?" grumbled Greph.
"Hey, I walked outside the throne room, right? That's good enough- There's a pet dragon you can order!"
"Oh my gods, look at its big, adorable eyes!" squealed the guard, slamming his hands down on the page. "I need it, I need it, I need it!"
"Who needs women when you have dragons!" proclaimed the king. The guard quickly nodded and saluted Roj.
"A wise king! Truly wise!" praised the guard.
"It's only common sense." explained the king humbly. "Oh! Look! A magic sword that turns all its victims into stone!"
"We should order enough swords for everyone in the kingdom! We'll be invisible!"
"Invincible." corrected Greph irritably.
"No, invisible! There's a hat that makes you vanish when you wear it!"
"We could spy on all the nice slimes- I mean, ladies!" snickered the king, rubbing his hands together.
"An ingenious plan!" The guard flipped the page. "Baby chimeras! You can order baby chimeras!"
"Three adorable heads for the price of one!" The king pounded his fist on the ground. "Greph, order me twenty!"
"Tw-Twenty, Your Majesty?"
"Yes! And five dragons. Oh, and the ring. I won't need the potion. If I get any more handsome, every lady on this planet with explode with lust!" gloated the king smugly.
"With...lust?" Greph frowned. "Are you sure we have the money for such...purchases?"
"Definitely! And we'll easily make the money back easily with our chimeras and dragons!"
"Can you order me a sexy fairy?"
"Oh, and a sexy fairy for the guard." added Roj.
Greph rolled his eyes. "I don't know if that's wise. As your adviser-"
"But I'm king!" groaned Roj, rolling on the floor. "And king's get their way! Come on, it's so boring around here!"
"Boring? We just enlisted a promising lad yesterday, Voin, was it? Why don't you visit him?"
"I'll visit him with dragons and chimeras! And then I'll visit the ladies with my new, huge-" The king stopped himself, but his perverted grin betrayed him.
"I see..." Greph gave a defeated sigh. "I will ask for their speediest delivery." muttered Greph, turning his back on the two.
"Can we get a talking flower?"
"Why would we need that?"
"Well...It can sing..." whimpered the king.
"And they come in six different colors!" included the guard.
"Yeah! Six different colors!"
"And which color do you desire, Your Majesty?"
The king leaned close to the guard and the two whispered for a moment. "All of them." answered Roj, nodding energetically.
"We can cut the chimeras down to ten, but keep the dragons at five! And two magic rings, since the guard wants one too. Then the flowers, and a sexy fairy!"
"And that's all, Your Majesty?"
"Yep!"
"Alright then, I'll-"
"Oh! Add the magic key to the list!" burst the guard, prodding a picture in the book with his finger. "It says that if you use it on a wall, it'll create a magical doorway that will always take you home!"
"Oh, we definitely need that! You know, in case that lusurper shows up."
"It's usurper, Your Majesty." nagged Greph.
"Same thing."
"No, the thing you said doesn't exist."
"We can make it exist."
"King Roj, you cannot simply-"
"I think lusurper should be a kind of soup." offered the guard.
"Perfect! Greph, make a chef design a soup named lusurper."
"I...I'll try, Your Majesty..." What happened to that walk? wondered Greph solemnly, trudging off to find a courier and a chef. ...What happened to being an adviser?