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Tipsy Tycoon

This is the prologue its about alexandria who leads the rebels against the dark kingdom...the italicized is the prologue and the non is part of chapter 1
Thank you!!!


.... “My name is Alexandra but my parents told me never to tell anyone that. They told me to tell everyone my name was Angelia, but… I can trust you right?”
.... I sneaked out careful to hide from the windows so that mum and dad wouldn’t see me, they would be mad if I went to go see him again. I met up with him in the field, like always he was sitting on the big stone in the center. “You’re here!” I ran up and gave him a hug. When I had first met him he hadn’t responded to my hugs but lately he had started to give me an awkward half hug.
.... “Course I did, even if I didn’t I know you would wait here till I came.” I loved the sound of his voice it sounded like a princess but of course that couldn’t be true. “You should go back home it dangerous for a six year old to be outside at this time.” He always gave me a pained expression, like by meeting me he was doing something terrible. Other times he looked like he wanted to say something but he couldn't, something held him back.

.... “Want to come inside? It’s warmer!”I smiled sweetly, it was getting dark and my mother called us inside. I wasn't allowed outside past six, once I was twelve I could go out till eight, but I was only six.
.... “No” the boy replied curtly. When he saw my downfallen expression he quickly corrected himself “I have to leave soon, so I have to go pack.”
.... “Well if you ever need to find me my real name is Alexandra but my parents told me never to tell anyone that. They told me to tell everyone my name was Angelia, but… I can trust you right?” I quickly walked away heading back home, leaving him with a shocked expression on his face.
.... “Angelia what were you talking about with him? You've been out there for over an hour.” I smiled and didn't say anything, though now I wish I had, but at the time I didn't want to give away his secret. She sighed and looked at me suspiciously, “Not everyone you meet is to be trusted,” she said as if knowing what I told him. She gave me an evil eye and walked away to serve dinner for my brothers and sisters. After dinner I asked to be excused, but my parents told me to stay inside; there were armies spotted south. I had never seen an army so my curiosity got the best of me and made me go out later in the evening to see them. Then all I can remember is
....…. Fire.


.... Run, I have to run faster… a guard is right behind me, why did he come right now, when I'm so weak? That’s so convenient for them, they wish they could take this letter ...I need to make it, I refuse to die by the hand of a bloody murder!
.... I have to run faster, if I were caught I would be executed for sure, I probably wouldn’t even get a trial. No, that might spark rebellions. Though I wonder if they would have me executed silently or for the world to see that they won? No they rebels might fight to get me out, maybe I would go missing, never to be seen again. Or would some of my own soldiers kill me showing how futile our rebellion was. Yes that would seem to be the Leaders’ way of doing it, kill the heart of the fire by its own flame.
.... I have to run faster.
.... “Run little deer but even Angels cannot outrun the Wolf of the royal guard! Turn yourself in, tell us where Alexandria is!” his yell echoing off the trees, making sure I heard and saw him raise his sword.
.... Seriously, what an idiot, he didn’t even know who I was!
.... Our name’s were given to us by the Tree Spirit, he’s one of the All-Knowings, and knows which name will fit us best. We all go to the great tree and pull out one of the daggers that were lodged there at the beginning of time, as the legend goes. Once we pull out the one we feel connected to a name appears on the paper, your true name.
.... It was prophesied that a girl with the name Alexandria born in Greenville, would bring down the ruler who oppresses the people and follows the way of the dark. She would rule fairly and justly with the ways of magic and light.
.... I was that girl who the tree named Alexandria, prophesied to do great things, and suffer great losses, at the age of five. Tough burden for a five year old, huh?
Twelve years have passed since then and now I lead the rebels.
.... I looked at the letter in my hand; it had my sign on it, but there were two small differences, the color of the rose petal was blue instead of black and the sign was done in a red wax instead of white wax.
.... The sign was peculiar; it looked like an arrow with seven feathers, three on each side, then the seventh was the longest at the end, and three dots neat the head of the arrow. Then in the middle of the arrow was a live rose petal, which did not belong to the stamp but was placed on top. The petal was blue with red wax underneath the design, which meant it was from the Second (water) to Fourth (fire) kingdom.
.... (The kingdoms went like this: First the earth kingdom (green emerald), Second the water kingdom (blue sapphire), Third the air kingdom (white diamond), Forth the fire kingdom (red ruby), Fifth the metal kingdom (silver), Six the dark kingdom (black onyx), and then the Seventh kingdom the light (gold), which was destroyed by the sixth over a decade ago, but I’ll explain that later.)

Tipsy Tycoon

Tipsy Tycoon

emotion_kirakira

Tipsy Tycoon

Feral Loiterer

There is too much telling and not enough showing.

Also, the tale of the strong female character who is prophesied to save the world is over used to the point of boredom. If you are going to do that you need to do it with your own flare, and by flare I mean plot wise, not with your writing, although that needs its own flare too.

Sorry to be so blunt. Its not a bad story, it just has a long way to go as far as mechanics and imagination.

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