Welcome to Gaia! ::


"How hard is it, really, to kill someone? Betray everyone you love? Not hard at all, apparently."

My chapters may be found here (Page number, and the Post number on that specific page):

Prologue/Chapter 1: Page 1, Post 1
Chapter 2: Page 1, Post 1
Chapter 3: Page 2, Post 3

Prologue:

Every person has both Physical and Magical energy in their body and with proper training can convert either into each other. These energy manipulators can exercise control over one thing, like wind or insects. Limits are imposed by how much magical or physical energy a person has.

Few knew how to use magic. Those who did guarded their knowledge greedily. However, a young couple, trained in magic by their parents, decided that everyone should have the opportunity to access their inner powers. They opened a training school and taught many students how to use their brand of magic.

Years passed and the couple grew weaker. The woman thought that it would be a good idea to make a magic receptacle that could store either physical or magical energy and convert the energies as needed. Gathering as many magic users as they could, they combined their talents and turned a crystal into an energy receptacle.

However, the wicked looked at the crystal in an entirely different light. It could grant them much power and wealth. In the dead of night, two young adults murdered the husband and wife. They stole the crystal and killed many of the magic users who came to the old couple's aid. With none to oppose them, they reigned as High King and Queen over the land.

Over time, the King fell in love with a common maid. After spending time with her, he realized how much pain and suffering he had caused and became disillusioned with his bloody reign. He decided to elope with the maid and her friends and family. They left the castle amidst a great battle and were never heard from again.

Chapter 1 Meeting

The clanking of iron chains against the stone floor drew my attention away from the bird I was carving. I turned my head to the left and looked down the passageway I was sitting in. Couldn’t see very far. The passage wound to the right about fifty feet away. I clenched my hand and then let it fall to the floor. How annoying. This was my spot. No one came here. Ever. That’s why I chose it. Now I had to move. Feeling very territorial, I picked myself up and tucked my dagger and bird into my belt.

I grumpily walked along the passageway to the right and turned the corner. This was as far as I would go. Hopefully whoever was coming wanted to go up the stairs in the middle of the hallway. I wasn’t in any mood to get found. Then I’d have to explain to Jaius or Savana why I was avoiding them. I gingerly knelt down and laid on my stomach. A cloud of dust wafted up. Great. Now I had to wash my clothes. Irritated, I dragged my body forward and peeked around the corner. I wanted to see who was giving me this headache. Maybe give him or her a headache too.

The clanking grew louder as well. Finally two ugly looking guards came into view. I narrowed my eyes, trying to make them out more clearly in the dim light. One of the guards was very tall and the other was very short. The tall one was thin and lanky with hair protruding from every crevice imaginable. The short one was very fat and was completely bald. Both of them were garbed in the traditional leather armor with short swords strapped to their sides. They were carrying something between them. Shorty had his back to me and appeared to be holding the front end of the bundle while Mr. Tall had the thinner end.

“Hey watch it! Don’t hold the legs so high!” Shorty gasped.
“Hey yourself. It’s not my fault you turned out a midget,” replied Mr. Tall.
“Well you’re not even carrying half the weight ya lousy slob!”
“Who you callin’ a slob, pig!”

Shorty promptly dropped his end of the bundle. It hit the ground with a loud thud. I gasped out loud and immediately clamped a hand over my mouth. The bundle was a person wrapped so tightly with chains that virtually no skin, clothing, or hair was visible. The chains had shifted a little when the person hit the ground and a lock of long black hair gently slipped out.

Shorty seemed to take no notice of this and drew his sword. Mr. Tall dropped his end and drew his rather longer sword. Upon seeing the length of the weapon, Shorty seemed to deflate. Sheathing his sword, he gave Mr. Tall a weak smile and giggle. Mr. Tall smiled back and lowered his sword.

“Well uh look let’s just forget all this, what say you? And get this beauty up to the towers!”
“Very well, pig. Shall I tickle you with my sword or would you like to pick this girl up?”
“Wha—yes! Yes of course here let me get her up on my shoulder—ugh my she is heavy with all this iron. Say you wouldn’t like to help me out would you?”
“Pick her up you useless lump before I make you!”

Shorty looked like he was going to cry as he bent down and tried to lift the prisoner. After much sweating and cursing he succeeded in hoisting her onto his shoulder. I grimaced with sympathy. He would have a fine time climbing those steep stairs with that load. Savana once made me carry her up to her bedroom ten times in a row and that was torture. Mr. Tall began to prod Shorty’s behind with the tip of his sword. Shorty laboriously started up the stairs. The duo disappeared from view after the first spiral.

I quickly sat up and brushed off my clothes. My mind was spinning furiously. Well, not furiously but it was spinning. Why would these clowns bring a prisoner up to the west tower? Weren’t the dungeons good enough? What was in the tower anyways? To my knowledge it had remained deserted for years. I had only been up there once when I was hiding from Jaius and I couldn’t remember anything extraordinary about it.

It looked like my day just got kind of interesting. I leaned against the wall with my brow furrowed. Should I follow them? Why not. Maybe I could stir up some trouble. Make the guards pay for intruding on my alone time. Feeling rather rebellious, I stepped into the passage and trotted up the stairs.

The guards were surprisingly fast. Even their voices had faded away. I sped up and climbed past the second and third landings. As I drew level with the fourth landing, I started to pick up the voices again. I slowed my pace and cautiously advanced. Yup. They were here. I could see both of them now trying to open the door to the fourth level. Mr. Tall had a bunch of keys that he was trying out one by one, but none seemed to fit. Shorty looked dead tired as he tried to hold up the prisoner.

“None of these damned keys work! Do you have any?” exclaimed Mr. Tall.
“What? Uh I only have this one the Captain gave me!”
“You dimwit that’s the one! Give it here!”

Mr. Tall snatched the proffered key from Shorty and hit him on the side of the head. Apparently it was the right key because the door creaked open. Mr. Tall ushered Shorty inside. I crept up, taking care to keep to the shadows. This floor looked like it had been a dormitory for some low level archers. There was a row of doors on the opposite side of the room. Next to the last of the doors, there was another staircase that seemed to lead back down to the lower levels. The rest of the room was bare.

Shorty had sunk down to the ground in exhaustion. His shiny bald head was covered in sweat. Mr. Tall kicked him and he got up whimpering. Mr. Tall then went to the middle door and opened it. Shorty gave up carrying the prisoner and dragged her in. He undid her chains. Mr. Tall pulled Shorty out and closed the door.

Shorty turned around and walked towards the open door to the landing. I hastily backed down the stairs until I couldn’t be seen. I heard him close the door and lock it. Well that was great. Now I probably couldn’t even get in. I kicked the wall in frustration. Another mistake. My toe felt like it was on fire. I dropped my dagger and yanked off my boot with both hands. The clatter my dagger made against the stone floor made me pause. What an idiot. I could probably pry open the door with the knife.

Picking up the dagger, I climbed up the stairs again and approached the door. It sounded like the two guards had left so I carefully slid my dagger in between the door and the jamb and started to work it down until I felt the lock. It was a breeze to pry the lock loose and once again the door creaked open.

I have to admit, my heart was pounding. Maybe Jaius already told Savana where I was. If I got caught consorting with a prisoner, Savana would probably have my head. Okay, perhaps not that extreme because I was too important to her. But I’d get lashes for sure. I didn’t care. She wasn’t going to dictate what I could and couldn’t do. I ran over to the door and pulled the key off the hook. My hands shaking, I inserted the key into the lock and turned it. And I was in.

The guards were right, she was a beauty. And it was pretty creepy, but I swear her face looked very familiar. I knelt and examined her. She looked about my age, eighteen. She had pale skin, made paler by lack of sun. Her hair was a black and very silky. Her lips were faintly pink and slightly parted. But she also looked strong. Three words came to my mind: beautiful, lean, and deadly.

She was hurt too. Bruises mottled her skin while many cuts riddled her arms and legs. She looked like someone had decided to use her as a punching bag and a knife sharpener. She also looked dead. Was she breathing? I fought an unexplained panic that was rising in my chest. I leaned in closer to her mouth and nose and felt a small puff of warm air hit my cheek. Whew. And at that moment, her eyelids fluttered.

I pulled away quickly, not wanting to seem like I was trying to get into her pants or anything, and rocked back on my heels, waiting in tense paralyzing excitement. Now this was true meddling! I wished she would hurry up and open her eyes. Then I could tell if I really knew her. She did. And when she looked at me, I was sure I knew her once upon a time.

She stared at me and I shrank against the wall. Man those were intense eyes. She narrowed them until they were almost slits and slowly sat up.

“Hi I saw you being dragged here,” I blurted out. Nice. Very smooth.

I could not blame the girl for rewarding me with an icy silence after my weak attempt at conversation. What kind of person says that?

“Let me go!” she suddenly demanded, making me start.
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Then why are you here? To take advantage of a poor little girl?”
“What? No! I’m not I just thought you looked familiar!”
“I don’t know who you are.”
“I’m Damian.”

The girl was silent again. I wondered if I gave away too much of myself.

“I don’t trust you.”
“I understand.”

We were at a standstill. I played with the cuff of my black jerkin. Should I go? What was the point of this? But I had to find out who she was. Questions raced in my brain: who was she, what was her name, why was she a prisoner, where was she from. I bit my lip to prevent myself from saying all that was in my mind. After another moment of silence I decided to ask some anyway.

“Well I’ve told you my name. It’s Damian. What’s yours?”
“Why does it matter? If you aren’t going to help me just leave me alone!”

I looked at her and then at the ground. She had a point there. It really wasn’t any of my business who she was. I was the enemy. She wasn’t going to tell me anything. But what she said had unexpectedly hurt. It wasn’t just that I was getting rejected by a pretty girl. I didn’t want to be thought of as an agent of the enemy because truthfully, I didn’t feel much love for anyone in the castle. I wanted to be on her side and cause a little ruckus for the people.

I sighed and looked back at her. I thought I should smile so I did. She rewarded me by spitting in my face. That was nasty. I wiped the spittle off and glared at her. She smiled at me this time. This was going well.

“If you’re not going to tell me anything about yourself you might lose an ally.”

She regarded me with undisguised contempt.

“You know what? I don’t need your help. I’ll get out of here just fine thank you. You’re probably just trying to get me to say something so your dear Queen can go kill us all!”

Kill? I had no love for Savana and her crew but this was something new. Sure she could punish people for even the smallest things but in the end she was still the Queen and to my knowledge, a competent and strong ruler. In fact a decade or so ago there was a huge uprising and I heard that she was the hero who quelled it and protected the whole castle from the rebels. Savana didn’t tell me much of it herself but every person in the castle and surrounding village knows of the story. The people here owe her their lives, and I mine. Apparently, she rescued me and Jaius just as some of the rebels were about to kill us.

I chewed the inside of my lip. The prisoner was probably using her looks and telling me this story because she wanted me to turn my back on my people and help her escape. Whatever cause she was imprisoned for, I was sure it wasn’t a good one. I was already feeling like I should be on her side. She was a sneaky one. Maybe it was time for me to go.

I rose and dusted off my clothes wearily. Everything was dusty in this side of the castle. I looked at the girl again. She felt my gaze and pointedly looked in the other direction. Fine. She wasn’t going to get my help. No matter how I felt about Savana, I had to stay because I owed her my life. Just as I turned to open the door, she spoke again.

“I’m Alena.”

Chapter 2 Flight

Alena. That definitely struck a chord in my memory. I slowly turned around, away from the door, and crouched down. Alena. I ran the name over and over again in my head. It was an odd name. No one I knew was named Alena but it seemed very familiar. Where did I hear it from? This girl turned out a lot more interesting than I had thought. I rocked back on my heels and looked at her again. This time she met my gaze immediately. Something had changed in her. She looked calm and there was a new light in her eyes.

“Why do you think I look familiar?” she asked in a polite tone.
“I don’t know. You just do.”
“You remind me of someone I used to know as well,” she said softly, her eyes boring into mine.

I looked away, uncomfortable with her piercing gaze. Was she toying with me? Trying to say something that would get me into her good graces? I picked at the cuff of my doublet as I tried to decide what to do. It wasn’t all that late. I still had plenty of time until supper. It probably wouldn’t hurt to talk with her a bit more. What could she do? I gingerly sat down and leaned against the door to the room. She mirrored my movement and leaned against the wall facing me.

“Do you mean you think you used to know who I was or I just remind you of someone? ” I probed in a low voice.
“I think I used to know you.”
“Are you just saying that so we can have some sort of weird connection and I can help you out of here?”
“No. I am telling the truth. I believe I knew you a long time ago. ”
“All right. How old are you?”
“I am eighteen.”
“Me too! You looked pretty old,” I teased.
“It’s because you act like a stupid ten year old.”

I laughed when she said that. She was pretty good at comebacks. I looked at her and was surprised to see that she had a slight smile as well. It’s amazing what a smile can do to your features. Before, she looked about as inviting and talkative as a toad, and now she actually looked human. If she was manipulating me, she was good at it. Or maybe I was just easy to manipulate. I ran through my list of questions again and paused. She probably would only do an exchange of information at the most.

“Okay. Since you probably want to know some things about this place and since I want to know some things about you, why don’t we ask each other questions in turn? It’s fair,” I suggested. She looked down and seemed to consider my proposal. I waited tensely, my eyes locked on her. When she looked up, she seemed amused.

“Very well. I’ll ask first, Damian. What’s going to happen to me?”
“I don’t know. This’s the first time I’ve seen someone brought up here. If I had to guess, I’d say Her Majesty will probably come and interrogate you and then after that, I can’t say for sure.”

When I said that, a tinge of fear and anger swept through me. She would probably be put to death after the interrogation. From her injuries, it looked like someone had already tried to torture information or something else out of her. If she resisted then and had to be put in solitary confinement, only worse things would come. She seemed be thinking along the same lines as I because when I looked at her with a mixture of pity and sadness, she gave me a defiant look back.

“I can handle whatever is coming. Ask your question,” she said forcefully.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. Why was I getting so upset about this? She was a prisoner. The enemy. Someone I shouldn’t be talking to. That’s right. I should leave before I decide to do something completely stupid like trying to help her escape. Savana rescued me. I owed her my life. I repeated those thoughts to myself as I got up and turned my back on her. I didn’t even pause as I opened the door and hurriedly stepped out. She shouted something at me but I couldn’t hear through the thick wooden door. I locked the door and left.

The landing was cold and I shivered. I started down the stairs, my footfalls masked by the layers of dust on the steps. The thought of Alena alone in the cold empty tower made me pause but I forced it out of my head. This was rash, getting attached to a captive.

I reached the first floor of the castle and cautiously made my way through the passageway to the main body of the keep. I slipped into the hustle-and-bustle of the kitchens. Many of the cooks were rushing about and getting things ready for the evening meal. That made me realize how late I was. I dodged a trio of men carrying a large tub of potatoes and another two men rolling a cask of beer in from the brewery. The frigid air blasted in from the courtyard and through the open side door as the two men struggled to push the barrel in. I turned and sprinted towards the passage that would take me toward the great hall.

Once in the great hall, I ran across the floor. Now, my footsteps echoed marvelously since there was nothing to quiet them. I dashed into the antechamber on the eastern side of the hall and ran up the stairs that led to the apartments. I lived on the second floor with Jaius and several personal advisors to Savana. My rooms were near the middle of the floor. I pushed open my door and fell inside, panting, while ripping off my jerkin and breeches. They were too dusty and I didn’t want anyone to know I had been up in the tower. I ruffled through my drawers and pulled out a clean vest and breeches. Why did the vest have so many buttons! There wasn’t enough time. I turned around and stumbled back out into the hallway, trying to do up the front of my breeches.

As I toppled through the archway that led to the hall, I gave my vest a final tug. I wasn’t late. Savana wasn’t there yet, only Jaius. He was seated in his usual spot, directly to the right of Savana’s chair. As per usual, he was poring over a book, his long white hair covering his face. I slid into the chair on Savana’s left and nodded at him. He ran a quick eye over my attire and cocked his eyebrow.

“Your vest is inside out and your hair looks wild.”

I looked down and saw to my dismay that he was right. Quickly, before Savana came, I righted my vest. My hair was annoying. It always managed to make me look like I had survived a hurricane. I tried my best to smooth down my black mop and looked to Jaius for approval. He gave me a curt nod before returning to his manuscript.

The servants started to bring out the food as the rest of the hall began to fill up. I fidgeted, longing to stuff myself. All that running and questioning was tiring. Where was Savana? We couldn’t eat until she arrived. Everyone seemed to be of the same mind. Restless chatter started to fill the hall as many of the seated people turned their heads to look for Her Majesty. As the conversation reached a fever high pitch, Jaius looked up from his manuscript and leisurely stood up. Silence fell instantly.

“Her Majesty is on a short leave of absence. She has given me permission to assume leadership during this time. She will be back soon so please carry on with your official duties,” Jaius announced.

Leave of absence? Typically that meant Savana was trying to take care of a security breach when her army couldn’t do it. Those were rare but they happened twice. In both instances, large groups of rogue magic users were involved. The magic users decimated the normal troops that didn’t have any strong magic users so Savana was forced to go and use her fire manipulations to wipe them out. I grinned. This was great. Now I had some time to talk with Alena now without fear of getting caught and punished harshly.

As Jaius sat back down and started to eat, so did the rest of the crowd. I dug into a delicious slab of roast pork. I bit into the meat, the juices running down my chin. Diagonal from me, Savana’s portly senior advisor stripped the meat from drumsticks in seconds. His disgusting burping and chewing sounds made me feel nauseated so I stopped trying to stuff my face. Instead I turned to Jaius and tried to figure out how long Savana would be gone.

“Hey Jaius, when will she be back?” I asked as casually as I could. I tried to butter my bread but missed with my knife and poked my hand. Ouch.
“I do not know.”
“Come on you probably know. You’re her favorite servant.”
“Call me that again and you’ll regret it.”
“Okay, okay you’re the boss. But you probably know. Just saying.”

He didn’t respond and concentrated on cutting his meat. Jaius and I had a strange relationship. On some days, we could get along quite fine and on other days we frustrated each other to no end. He was unswervingly loyal to Savana and wouldn’t hesitate to do anything on her command. I felt his loyalty could blind him to some of Savana’s less desirable traits, like a disposition for cruelty. But he was also a good guy when not being ordered around. I had a feeling that he wanted to protect me and wouldn’t report me if I did something mischievous once in a while. I guess we were kind of brotherly in a way.

My eyes fell on the senior advisor again and my appetite disappeared. I pushed myself away from the table. Normally I’d have to ask to be excused but since Jaius was in charge, I didn’t care. I went back to my rooms. Now it was time to plan. How could I make the most of my time while Savana was away? Jaius would certainly be busy with the normal doings of the castle so our energy conversion lessons would be put on hold. Not that those lessons were of much use anyway. I still didn’t know what my magical manipulation was. All I could do was to convert one energy into the other but nothing came out of it.

Anyways, because those lessons were on hold, I would have a lot of time to talk to Alena. I should probably bring Alena some home comforts at least. I couldn’t imagine the warden sending someone up to the tower to bring blankets and hot water. Maybe I could do that. Bring some good food, blankets, and a pillow. It was really cold up there and Alena was wearing a thin white shift if I remembered correctly.

I jumped into action. I went into my closets and rummaged around for a bag. I found an unused hunting bag and stuffed my spare blanket and one of my pillows into it. With my load slung over my shoulder, I headed back downstairs. I peeked into the great hall. Most of the diners had already left. Only the corpulent advisor was still there, clearing the plates with his mouth. I stalked past him and into the kitchens. The cooks had banked most of the fires for the night and retired to the servant quarters.

I opened the door leading down to the storage rooms. The cool air wafted up, bringing up smells of good cheeses and cured meats. I quickly went down and filled my bag with bread, ham, and cheese. Then I went out into the inner courtyard and made my way to the brewery. The ale wife should’ve already retired for the night. I let myself in and filled a small flagon with mead which I corked and placed into the bag. I must admit, this was pretty exciting. I felt like some hero who was going to take sustenance to his starving love and then spirit her away from certain death. Maybe Alena was right when she said I acted like I was ten years old.

I loped back to the kitchen and then to the western wing again. The closer I got to the tower, the darker it got. No one came here so all the torches were unlit. My night vision was pretty good though so I wasn’t too bothered by the darkness. Retracing my steps, I climbed the stairs, my palms slick with excitement. What was Alena doing to me? I had left her earlier today with the resolve to never speak to her again. But it seemed like I couldn’t stay away. I was so eager to see her that I bounded up the stairs three at a time until I slipped and fell, bashing my nose against the stone step. So much for my night vision.

I sat down on the stairs, trying to stem the blood flow. Tilting my head back, I leaned against the wall. After a minute of pinching my nose, a clot formed and I got back to my feet. I looked down to see if I got any blood on my shirt. There were some droplets. I swore under my breath. Another shirt to wash! Wait a minute. How could I see my shirt? I slowly looked up. Ahead, the side of the tower was bathed in a soft flickering light. Someone had a torch.

What should I do now? Go back? I punched the air, angry at my carelessness. If there was a prisoner, there would be guards. At any rate, I wanted to see who the guards were. I crept upwards, holding my breath in case they could hear my breathing. Inching forward past the last spiral, I took a peek and saw only one guard. He seemed to be sitting with his back and legs wedged in the doorway. His form was familiar. It was Shorty!

I stifled a laugh. Out of everyone capable of guarding a strange prisoner the warden had to pick Shorty. I could take care of him. I jauntily stepped out into the light. Shorty gave a violent start. He scrambled to his feet, puffing and wheezing and tried to pull out his sword. I gave him some time to steady his breathing and aim his sword at me. I didn’t think he recognized me. He probably only knew Savana since Jaius and I don’t have much contact with the soldiers.

“What are you doing here? No one is allowed in this tower!” he said gruffly, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
“I know sir. But it seems pretty cold up here and you’re all alone. Care to have some company? I have food.”

At the mention of food, all of Shorty’s gruffness evaporated and he gave me a wide grin. He sheathed his sword and sat down again, patting the stone next to him. I went forward and sat down, opening the bag and handing him some ham and bread.

“Why thank you! Fancy letting a fellow stay up here by himself! Bah I say give me more of that ham will you?” Shorty asked in between mouthfuls.
“I know. But I’m on your side. Here’s the ham,” I responded, giving him another chunk.
“You’re a fine fellow. You got anything to drink?”
“Just the best mead! Have a drop.”
“Ah! That hits the spot it does! Thank you my pal.”
“No problem. Say, what are you guarding anyways?” I asked slyly.
“Some prisoner. Don’t look like no prisoner if you ask me.”
“What do you mean?”

Shorty belched and took another swig of mead. He leaned in close to my ear. I could smell his breath and tried not to gag. I should’ve brought some mint with me.

“It’s a girl and she be the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Shorty whispered.
“Well! They say the prettier they are the more dangerous they are!”
“Ha! Is that right?”
“Of course! They needed to pick the best man to guard the most dangerous prisoner and so here you are! You might have a promotion on the way,” I said with the utmost feigned sincerity.

At this, Shorty beamed, showing me all his rotted teeth. Yuck. He puffed out his chest and slapped me on the back.

“That’s exactly right! I’m the best guard they’ve got!” Shorty said earnestly.
“Why, a guard like you could do anything! Like show me this prisoner for instance. I know you won’t let the prisoner escape because you’re so smart and strong.”
“Well if you wanted to see her, why didn’t you say so? She’s a treat, this one. Follow me,” Shorty declared, getting to his feet.

I got up too and picked up the bag, watching him fumble with the keys. He was quite drunk. Most of the mead was gone. He finally found the right key and let us both in. Shorty tried to lead me to Alena’s room but stumbled and fell. I helped him up and half carried, half dragged him over. He reached for the key but missed so I turned it for him. He gave me a drunken smile and opened the door. The scene that greeted our eyes was staggering.

Eight stones that made up the outside wall had been removed, exposing the room to the elements. The resulting window was large enough for me to stand in. Outside, the sky was turning into an inky black, feebly lit by the crescent moon. Unseen gusts of wind blew into the room, buffeting Shorty and me. Alena was perched on the stone ledge with one leg dangling down the tower wall and her other leg inside the room. Her thin white shift flapped around her wildly. The light made her look like she was glowing. It looked unreal. She had her back to us when we first entered but whipped her head around quickly.

She met my shocked stare and flashed a quick smile. Then she leaned out of the frame and urgently signaled to someone or something. I looked down and saw Shorty standing stupidly with his mouth agape. I looked back up and saw Alena climb onto the ledge. Dropping my bag, I dashed to the opening. Above the tower hovered a giant contraption. I had no idea how it was staying up in the sky. A sudden movement caught my eye. A small hatch on the underside of thing was pulled back. A cord ladder was being lowered through the opening.

I pulled myself back into the room and looked at Alena, stunned. She spoke first.

“I told you I didn’t need your help,” she said wryly as she watched the ladder inch down.

My mouth and brain did not seem to be working. Conflicting thoughts were at work. Should I stop her? Should I call the guards? Should I help her?

“Thanks for talking to me today. It was fun,” Alena continued now looking at me.
“You—how? Her Majesty could be coming for all you know!” I stammered, looking at her and at Shorty who seemed rooted to the spot.
“Your Queen’s fighting some of our men. It’s a diversion—”

She broke off mid-sentence as sounds of a scuffle came from the doorway. I pivoted and saw Mr. Tall trying to kick Shorty out of the way. Where did he come from? He must’ve been guarding the other staircase. Mr. Tall gave Shorty a tremendous shove and both of them fell to the ground.

“What are you doing? Stop her!” screamed Mr. Tall from underneath Shorty.

I looked at Alena again. She smiled again and stepped down from the ledge. Coming closer to me, she gently placed her left hand on the side of my face and leaned in. I could smell her soft fragrance. It enveloped me. She turned her head and lightly brushed her lips against my cheek. I lost the ability to think. All I could register was the feel of her tender skin on mine. She wasn’t playing fair but I wasn’t complaining.

Alena pulled back and winked at me. She moved back towards the ledge and reached out with her right hand. Time seemed to slow. The ladder inched down and she grabbed one of its sides. I stood rooted to the spot, my mind jammed. Watching her step onto the ladder, I felt resigned. There was nothing I could do. Just suffer Savana’s wrath once she found out I didn’t do anything to stop Alena.

A claw like hand gripped my right shoulder, the nails sinking into my skin. I yelped and turned to see the Mr. Tall lurch towards the window. He reached out and grabbed Alena’s hair. Her head snapped back as Mr. Tall pulled savagely, a wicked snarl on his face. Rage welled up inside me. I sprang forward and tackled Mr. Tall. The move was so unexpected that he instantly let go of her hair and we both crashed to the floor.

I scrambled up and retreated with my back to the window, determined that Alena should escape. As I watched Mr. Tall get up stiffly, I felt a tug at the back of my collar. Before I could turn around to see what was happening, Mr. Tall lunged at me. I kicked out and connected with his eye. He collapsed, howling on the ground. Then, my stomach dropped as I felt myself being lifted out of the window and into the night sky.
Thank you guys in advance if you read this and help me out. I wrote a draft of this a long time ago, and tonight I hopped on my computer and decided put it out here. I admit the ideas of "castle, evil queen, magic, brooding boy, guards, etc" are hardly original but I just wanted to take those themes and put my own spin on them ... sort of. Looking for constructive criticism.

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I think this has potential. I'm pretty interested in the story right now. Waiting for an update soon. If you want more details on how to fix some things PM me and we can arrange something.
Dude this totally gets my attention so congrats on that. And I don't think it's a copy of the stories you listed. A lot of sci fi/ fantasy do sound similar I think. When will the next update be out?

Fashionable Fatcat

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Nice work! I'm already interested in where this story is going. The only flaw that I see is the setting, really. Or maybe it's just me reading too much Pendragon.
Thanks for all the support guys! I'm still working on the second chapter but I think I should have it up in a few days.
Prologue
The beginning of the prologue could use some work. The first couple of paragraphs aren't really a hook, and I don't think you need to explain in THAT much detail about how magic works. You should be able to convey that through details in your story. Also, the part about the woman discovering magic and getting murdered seemed a little pointless. Why is that the first thing we need to know about this world? Why is this detail so essential? I mean, she doesn't even have a name, so I assume she's not going to be a part of the story.

I actually didn't have much issue the part about the development of what's essentially a rechargeable battery of magic. I'd probably just start the prologue with that. It sets up how magic works cooperatively, and sets up the main problem/conflict that the story will resolve.

I assume - from this prologue - that the story will be about the Queen being taken down from power by her former servant and her former husband?

Terrifictomato

The clanking of iron chains against the stone floor drew my attention away from the bird I was carving. You have so many details stuffed into one sentence - can you pare it down or split it into two sentences? What an annoyance. There I was, peacefully carving during one of my rare free periods away from the eyes of Jaius and Savana. And someone had to come along. It was strange that there would be people coming this way since I was in the unused western wing of the castle keep. Just a tip - try to avoid the verb "to be" when possible. It's a very weak verb, and conveys little meaning. Did I want to be seen? No, probably not. I picked myself up from the dusty floor and tucked my half-finished bird and dagger into my belt. I'd probably put dagger first, then half-finished bird, so it doesn't sound like the dagger is half-finished.

I kicked away the pile of wood shavings and stretched, my joints cracking after long hours spent sitting on the cold floor. I cocked my head to find where the sound was coming from. It sounded like it was getting closer, coming from the opposite end of the passageway I was in. Whoever was making that noise probably would go up the stairs. This could be written suspensefully, but I don't think you need this many sentences, and the narrator conveys no feeling whatsoever. It makes the paragraph a little dull.

I lazily walked forward into an alcove next to the stairs and sat down again. A thin wall separated the alcove and stairs, and there was a small viewing window set into the stone that was covered by a metal plate. I slid back the plate slightly and peered out. I can't imagine what you're describing at all. You need to describe this much more clearly. Is the alcove separated from the stairs by the wall, or are the stairs AND alcove together separated from SOMETHING ELSE by the wall? What can you see from the alcove? Where is the viewing window set, and what does it look down onto? Also, get rid of any passive voice sentences.

The clanking grew louder as well as the grunts of two ugly looking guards who turned the corner and came into view. This is too long and awkward. Try splitting it into two sentences - it will also be more suspenseful that way. One of them was very tall and the other was very short. The tall one was thin and lanky with hair protruding from every crevice imaginable. The short one was very fat and was completely bald. Both of them were garbed in the traditional leather armor with short swords strapped to their sides. They were carrying something between them. Shorty had his back to me and appeared to be holding the front end of the bundle while Mr. Tall had the thinner end. I like how you kept your sentences short and to the point in this paragraph.

“Hey, watch it! Don’t hold the legs so high!” Shorty gasped.
“Hey yourself. It’s not my fault you turned out a midget,” replied Mr. Tall.
“Well you’re not even carrying half the weight ya lousy slob!”
“Who you callin’ a slob, you pig!”
“Oh yeah? Want a piece of this?”

Shorty promptly dropped his end of the bundle. It hit the ground with a loud thud. I almost gasped out loud. The bundle was a person wrapped so tightly with chains that virtually no skin, clothing, or hair was visible. The chains had shifted a little when the person hit the ground and a lock of long black hair gently slipped out.

Shorty seemed to take no notice of this and drew his sword. Mr. Tall dropped his end and drew his rather longer sword. Upon seeing the length of the weapon, Shorty seemed to deflate. Sheathing his sword, he gave Mr. Tall a weak smile and giggle. Mr. Tall smiled back and lowered his sword.

“Well, uh, look let’s just forget all this, what say you? And get this beauty up to the towers!”
“Very well, pig. Shall I tickle you with my sword or would you like to pick this girl up?”
“Wha—yes! Yes of course here let me get her up on my shoulder—ugh my she is heavy with all this iron. Say, you wouldn’t like to help me out would you?”
“Pick her up, you useless lump, before I make you!”

Shorty looked like he was going to cry as he bent down and tried to lift the prisoner. After much sweating and cursing he succeeded in hoisting her on his shoulder. I suppressed a chuckle. He would have a great time climbing those steep stairs. I assume here you're trying to portray the narrator as unfeeling? Chuckling is a pretty cold reaction.

Mr. Tall began to prod Shorty’s behind with the tip of his sword. Shorty started to laboriously climb the stairs, clanking the whole time. The duo disappeared from view after the first spiral. Nothing interesting, I concluded. Just a normal prisoner. I pulled out my dagger and bird again and started to carve.

After shaving a few pieces off the beak, I put the bird down. Why would these clowns bring someone up to the west tower? To my knowledge, it had remained deserted for years. I had only been up there once when I was hiding from Jaius. Bad mistake. No one could hide from him and his scorpions. Savana had me whipped and locked up for that. I smiled sourly as I flexed my back. The scars were still there.

I picked myself up from the floor again and tucked away my things. It was boring in the castle and this small mystery could be interesting. Maybe I could liven things up, give Jaius something to rage about. What? Why would he risk another whipping? I walked out of the alcove and started up the stairs, taking care to not make noise.
The guards were surprisingly fast. Even their voices had faded away. I sped up and climbed past the second and third landings. Both of these levels were servant quarters a long time ago. No sign of the guards, though. I pulled out my dagger and continued up. I'd probably cut some of this. Nobody wants to read about a protagonist climbing up some stairs.

As I drew level with the fourth landing, I started to pick up the voices again. I slowed my pace and cautiously advanced. Yup. They were here. I could see both of them now trying to open the door to the fourth level. Mr. Tall had a bunch of keys that he was trying out one by one, but none seemed to fit. Shorty looked dead tired as he tried to hold up the prisoner.

“None of these damned keys work! Do you have any?” exclaimed Mr. Tall.
“What? Uh I only have this one the Captain gave me!”
“You dimwit, that’s the one! Give it here!”

Mr. Tall snatched the proffered key from Shorty and hit him on the side of the head. Apparently it was the right key, because the door creaked open. Mr. Tall ushered Shorty inside. I crept up slowly, taking care to keep to the shadows. This floor looked like it had been a dormitory for some low level archers. There was a row of doors on the opposite side of the room. Next to the last of the doors, there was another staircase that seemed to lead back down to the lower levels. The rest of the room was bare. Again, your verbs need work. Over and over again, you use "was". It's conveys no meaning. It's repetitive. Frankly, it's boring.

Shorty had sunk down to the ground in exhaustion. His shiny bald head was covered in sweat. Use active voice - Sweat covered his shiny bald head. Mr. Tall kicked him and he got up, whimpering. Mr. Tall then went to the middle door and pulled out another key from a pouch around his waist. He unlocked the door. Shorty gave up carrying the prisoner and dragged her in, dumping her on the floor. He started to undo her chains and pulled them off of her. He threw the whole mess into a corner of the room. Mr. Tall pulled Shorty out and kicked the door shut and locked it. He pulled the key out of the lock and hung it on a hook next to the door. This is very "Ikea assembly instructions"-ish. Justify to me why it's important to spend so much detail on the actual method of depositing the prisoner in a room. There's no character development here. There's no feelings. And there's definitely no suspense. If you're setting up the scene for a jailbreak, you could do it much more cleanly.


Shorty walked towards the open door and I backed down the stairs until I couldn’t be seen. I heard him close the door and lock it. Well that was great. Now I probably couldn’t even get in. I kicked the wall in frustration. Another mistake. My toe felt like it was on fire. I dropped my dagger and yanked off my boot with both hands. The clatter my dagger made against the stone floor made me pause. What an idiot. I could probably pry open the door with the big knife. This is the first time we've really seen any personality from your narrator - frustration and impulsiveness.

Picking up the dagger, I climbed cautiously up the stairs again. I approached the door and put my ear against the wood. It sounded like the two guards had left so I carefully slid my dagger in between the door and the jamb and started to work it down until I felt the lock. It was a breeze to pry the lock loose and once again the door creaked open.

I have to admit, my heart was pounding. Finally! Some situationally appropriate thoughts/reactions! Maybe Jaius already told Savana where I was. If I got caught consorting with a prisoner, Savana would probably have my head. Okay, perhaps not that extreme because I was too important to her. But I’d get lashes for sure. I didn’t care. She wasn’t going to dictate what I could and couldn’t do. I ran over to the door and pulled the key off the hook. My hands shaking, I inserted the key into the lock and turned it. And I was in.

The guards were right, she was a beauty. And it was pretty creepy, but I swear her face looked very familiar. I knelt and examined her. She looked about my age, eighteen. She was very fit. I assume you mean fit in the American way, not the British way... She had pale skin, made paler by lack of sun. How would you know that from looking at her? Her hair was a very dark brown and very silky. Wait, you said it was black when it slipped out of the chains...? Her lips were faintly pink and slightly parted. But she also looked strong. Three words: beautiful, lean, and deadly.

She was hurt too. Bruises mottled her skin while many cuts riddled her arms and legs. She looked like someone had decided to use her as a punching bag and a knife sharpener. She also looked dead. Was she breathing? I fought an unexplained panic that was rising in my chest. I leaned in closer to her mouth and nose and felt a small puff of warm air hit my cheek. Whew. And at that moment, her eyelids fluttered.

I pulled away quickly, not wanting to seem like I was trying to take advantage of her, and rocked back on my heels, waiting in excitement. Now this was true meddling! I imagined the types of punishments I would receive and then stopped imagining. I wished she would hurry up and open her eyes. Then I could tell if I really knew her. She did. And when she looked at me, I was sure I knew her once upon a time.

She stared at me and I shrank against the wall. Man, those were intense eyes. She narrowed them until they were almost slits and slowly sat up.

“Hi. I saw you being dragged here,” I blurted out. Nice. Very smooth.

I could not blame the girl for rewarding me with an icy silence after my weak attempt at conversation. What kind of person says that?

“Let me go!” she suddenly demanded, making me start.
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Then why are you here? To take advantage of a poor little girl?”
“No! I just thought you looked familiar!”
“I don’t know who you are.”
“I’m Damian.”

The girl was silent again. I wondered if I gave away too much of myself.

“I don’t trust you.”
“I understand.”

We were at a standstill. I played with the cuff of my black jerkin. Should I go? What was the point of this? But I had to find out who she was. Questions raced in my brain: who was she? What was her name? Why was she a prisoner? Where was she from? I bit my lip to prevent myself from saying all that was in my mind. After another moment of silence I decided to ask some anyway.

“Well I’ve told you my name. It’s Damian. What’s yours?”
“Why does it matter? If you aren’t going to help me, just leave me alone!”


I'm going to stop here for now. In a separate post, I'm going to give you some high-level feedback. There are a lot of positives with the story, but some things I think need work.
The story is straightforward and interesting, so far. Your spelling is great, and your grammar is generally solid. Some of your paragraphs are really well written. The story so far reads to me like a decently written first draft, and it definitely has potential. I'll be reading on when I have the time.

There are a few things I think would improve the story. They're general "rules of writing" that you'd find in any good writing book, like Strunk and White or Stephen King's On Writing.

First, use evocative verbs. You repeatedly use "was" rather than thinking hard about the action you're trying to convey. Not only does it convey no meaning, it also gets really repetitive in your story. The same goes for "had". Take a look at this sentence: "Savana had me whipped and locked up for that." You could have made this more interesting, more evocative by using different verbs. For instance: "Savana ordered me whipped and jailed for that."

Second, you need to inject a little more of the narrator's thoughts into your story. Some of your non-action paragraphs are really uninteresting - for example, Damian sitting and carving, or Damian climbing the stairs. We don't get the sense that he's excited, or scared, or amused by his own antics. You just tell us he's climbing some stairs. Like I commented in the story, it becomes very sanitized, and "Ikea Assembly Guide-ish." Let us hear his thoughts, feelings and reactions.

Third, on a very similar note, you need to work on characterization. Damian isn't very compelling at the start of the story. You went through more than 50 paragraphs giving us virtually no sense of Damian's personality or background, and then you dumped everything about his rescue in one paragraph. That's a missed opportunity. You could have woven details about Damian's background and personality into the story from the very beginning, and avoided the infodump about his rescue. If you'd done that, he would have been a more sympathetic and interesting character.

Fourth, use active voice rather than passive voice. For instance, "Damian carved the bird," rather than "The bird was carved." I noticed a few places where you unnecessarily used passive voice.

Fifth, use short, to the point sentences. The easiest sentence structure for English speakers to understand is Subject-Verb-Object. Avoid run-on sentences, and avoid sentences that don't follow the SVO pattern. It will make your writing flow smoothly.

There are also a few places where you missed commas. I added them in and highlighted them in red. Generally, though, you have a solid understanding of the technical stuff.
acheron beach
The story is straightforward and interesting, so far. Your spelling is great, and your grammar is generally solid. Some of your paragraphs are really well written. The story so far reads to me like a decently written first draft, and it definitely has potential. I'll be reading on when I have the time.

There are a few things I think would improve the story. They're general "rules of writing" that you'd find in any good writing book, like Strunk and White or Stephen King's On Writing.

First, use evocative verbs. You repeatedly use "was" rather than thinking hard about the action you're trying to convey. Not only does it convey no meaning, it also gets really repetitive in your story. The same goes for "had". Take a look at this sentence: "Savana had me whipped and locked up for that." You could have made this more interesting, more evocative by using different verbs. For instance: "Savana ordered me whipped and jailed for that."

Second, you need to inject a little more of the narrator's thoughts into your story. Some of your non-action paragraphs are really uninteresting - for example, Damian sitting and carving, or Damian climbing the stairs. We don't get the sense that he's excited, or scared, or amused by his own antics. You just tell us he's climbing some stairs. Like I commented in the story, it becomes very sanitized, and "Ikea Assembly Guide-ish." Let us hear his thoughts, feelings and reactions.

Third, on a very similar note, you need to work on characterization. Damian isn't very compelling at the start of the story. You went through more than 50 paragraphs giving us virtually no sense of Damian's personality or background, and then you dumped everything about his rescue in one paragraph. That's a missed opportunity. You could have woven details about Damian's background and personality into the story from the very beginning, and avoided the infodump about his rescue. If you'd done that, he would have been a more sympathetic and interesting character.

Fourth, use active voice rather than passive voice. For instance, "Damian carved the bird," rather than "The bird was carved." I noticed a few places where you unnecessarily used passive voice.

Fifth, use short, to the point sentences. The easiest sentence structure for English speakers to understand is Subject-Verb-Object. Avoid run-on sentences, and avoid sentences that don't follow the SVO pattern. It will make your writing flow smoothly.

There are also a few places where you missed commas. I added them in and highlighted them in red. Generally, though, you have a solid understanding of the technical stuff.


Hey! Thanks for your thorough analysis. Your points are very well stated and appropriate and I'm working on the third chapter with your advice in mind. I really appreciate all the good critique and will work hard to improve my writing further. Please stay tuned haha ...And the Queen isn't married and a servant won't be bringing her down. I wrote the prologue with a lot of information missing because I didn't want people to guess the full plot

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queen isn't married?? this might be more interesting than i thought lol good job man i really liked the 2nd chap. it was pretty exciting and i didn't want it to stop
Idominateu
queen isn't married?? this might be more interesting than i thought lol good job man i really liked the 2nd chap. it was pretty exciting and i didn't want it to stop


Nah she is a Queen who doesn't need a man. Thanks for reading. I'm backed up with homework and stuff but I hope to have the third chapter out in a few days.

Gracious Gaian

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Ooo! That's a bit interesting! I'll have to come back later with my thoughts.
I've only had time to read the Prologue and First Chapter so far but it's very interesting and holds my attention. You've done great work in your descriptive paragraphs, though some of the dialogue seems like a first draft in that it almost seems stereotypical. For example:
Quote:
“Who you callin’ a slob you pig!”
“Oh yeah? Want a piece of this?”

I realize that quick simple banter may be what you're going for in this situation, but try not to use it too much in the future. Though like I said I have yet to read the Second Chapter ^-^
Anyways, that is my advice so far and I hope you may consider reading through the pieces I'm posting as well.

Gracious Gaian

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My review won't be as awesome as the ones above. I don't read many books with this sort of time period/setting, so it took a bit of force to stick with it. The prologue was interesting, but it was lacking the oooh and awws. It was kinda like reading directions. I feel you could either reduce the amount of information and feed the rest of it into the rest of the story along the way, or add to parts to grab the attention of the reader. Some areas, I guess, had unnecessary detail and others parts, not enough.

But overall I'm enjoying the story and wonder what's up with Alena and Damian's recollection.. are they like reincarnations or something?!

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