Welcome to Gaia! ::

Chicken McNiglett's avatar

Hilarious Member

6,250 Points
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Contributor 150
  • Forum Dabbler 200
There she sits, lonely, quiet, unnerved, she looks distraught though she is dressed so neat and without flaw. Thus, earned her the name Marionette. She had long black hair and hazel eyes with flexes of amber. She took suddle breaths and she had olive pale skin. She sat in the corner and waited patiently.

" Atlan. Are you even paying attention," Said Cornelius, he was the head of the Union, some organization my father wanted me to be in. I found it stupid, and unnecessary.
"Uh, yeah, yeah." I huffed under my breath. The other boys in the room laughed at me as they exchanged snobby looks in between the others.
"I Guess that's enough for today...You're dissmissed." Cornelius said stroking his red stubble of a beard. I started to shuffle my books together as Cornelius stopped me.

"Wait...Here." He demanded, I sighed sitting down as I watched everyone leave. After 5 minutes, I felt someone beckon me. I gulped and turned around, there sat Marionette. In her un-changed, position. I looked at the door and then at the torches around the room. I pushed myself out of the chair my hand lingering on the wooden armrest. I made my way to the back of the room and looked over Marionette. I'd never been so close. I walked in front of her, her eyes unchanged.
"Who Are You.." I asked solemnly, her eyes looked up at me and made me jump into the air.
"I am the Eye, I am the Entrance and The Exit, I am your dying breath and your first, I am your lies and your deceit, I am your vertebrate and mind. I am the option whether you live or die." She said, her voice smooth as silk.
I looked worried as she began to speak again.
"My Name Is Ilyana, And you're now divine." She implied, her eyes becoming blood shot and a decadent sneer appearing. I became dizzy, and slowly felt the room collapse from underneath me. And I was alone, surrounded in dark.
Klaark's avatar

8,150 Points
  • The Perfect Setup 150
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Conversationalist 100
Purf3ctTaco


They called her Marionette because she always seemed to sit perfectly still, her fancy clothes neat and free of any flaws. Her olive colored skin was the same way, and even the breaths she took were subtle and ordered. She sat in the corner and seemed alone despite being in a room full of people.

" Atlan. Are you even paying attention?" said Cornelius. He was the head of the Union, a group my father wanted to join, but one I found stupid and unnecessary.

"Uh, yeah, yeah," I said under my breath. The other boys in the room laughed at me as they exchanged snobby looks.

"I Guess that's enough for today," Cornelius said, stroking his reddish stubble. "You're dismissed." I started to gather my books, but Cornelius stopped me.

"Wait here," he demanded. I sighed and sat back down to watch every one else leave. Once they were gone, I got the urge to turn around. There was Marionette, in the corner. Unmoving. I gulped and got out of my seat, overcome with the strange urge to see if anything was wrong with her. When I was closer, I could see nothing visible had changed in her amber colored eyes. Not a strand of her black hair was out of place.

"Who are you?" I heard myself say.

Her eyes flashed towards me, making me jump.

"I am the Eye," she said. "I am the Entrance and The Exit, I am your dying breath, and your first, I am your lies and your deceit, I am your vertebrae and mind. I am the option whether you live or die." Her voice came out smooth.

I was worried now, but before I could speak she started talking again.

"My Name Is Ilyana, And you are now divine," she said, her eyes becoming blood shot and a decadent sneer appearing on her mouth. I became dizzy, and felt the floor slowly collapse from underneath me. I was alone, enveloped in darkness.



It was a little cluttered the way you had it. Did Cornelius leave? Seems odd he would just get up and inspect this girl like she was furniture and ignore the guy who had asked him to stay.

One grammar thing:

"You were doing this." He said, with a period inside the quote and a new sentence for the dialogue tag.

"You should do this," he said, demonstrating the right way to do a quote.

"See what I mean." A period and a new sentence used when there's no dialogue tag.
Add details. A lot more details.

What does the room they are in look like? Why are they there? Who is Cornelius? Who is Atlan? Who is "Marionette" and why is she even important?

I can understand wanting the first chapter to be vague and leave some things disclosed, but this is vague to the point where I don't have the slightest idea what is going on, why it is happening, or even when it is taking place.
Klaark's avatar

8,150 Points
  • The Perfect Setup 150
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Conversationalist 100
Hebii_chan
Add details. A lot more details.

What does the room they are in look like? Why are they there? Who is Cornelius? Who is Atlan? Who is "Marionette" and why is she even important?

I can understand wanting the first chapter to be vague and leave some things disclosed, but this is vague to the point where I don't have the slightest idea what is going on, why it is happening, or even when it is taking place.


More details isn't the answer in every case, especially this one. The level of detail is fine. I'd call this a first page, not a chapter.
Toxic Citrus's avatar

Wheezing Gawker

It's very dramatic for the first few paragraphs, it's way too much to happen in such a short amount of time. A prologue would be great, something short like a couple pages or so to introduce this Marionette character a bit more and why exactly she's terrifying.

Next, it would be good to start with a couple paragraphs from the main character's point of view to establish him a little further. Bring up this Union after a few pages of the main character doing things, like being bored in class, being called out by the teacher to hang behind, maybe having some dialogue between the teacher and the student to establish the poor relationship and have some time go by. You're throwing way too much into just a few paragraphs. At the moment it feels like:

There's this badass chick, so we call her this badass name. Don't forget that she's badass.
I'm in class and it's just boring, my dad wants me to join some super important organization called Union or something stupid, it's stupid. My teacher's kind of a hardass, he's stupid and calls me to wait after class. He disappears somewhere with the rest of the class, then boom, the badass chick named something badass is in front of me and looks at me. I'm like, "Whoa," and she's like, "You're a god like me," and I'm like, "Le faint."

Don't take it the wrong way, it's just incredibly fast paced. The content of the writing, aside from some grammatical errors, is actually quite nice. The imagery is great, I feel that I can see the story unfolding in my mind, just try to pace it out some more, flesh out the characters so the reader comes to care and appreciate them, because at this point they feel like strangers and anything that happens to them just feels inconsequential. If the readers don't know the characters well, why should they care that any of this is happening?
BlueBubbegum's avatar

Dapper Gaian

You lost me at the end. Not much description or reasoning behind aracters,you shoud explain why one character was scared of the other. But it was very interesting. You should keep going if you want to.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games