Scars give me feedback and advise

[bwanali]

Scars

Ideas things happen for a
reason
contradicting life every
season

Fear raining down your
tears
you got hate for the world
it coming clear
no sense for the world your
feeling queer
looking out to the canvas
from a rear

Am lost the feeling of despire
got my life spinning circles over
hear

we all suffer for prosperity
and desire to leave for
eternity

we stay hoping for the master piece
a main attraction is all that we ever
need

Peace and happiness is what we
dream for

but anger and rage
is what we leave for

its time for you to know
you got let it go


I stay hoping for a clear view
and all my sleepless night
are about to pay me due
pray i wake up for breakfast
see the sun shine thorw all
the missess that build us

scars never heal
wounds will remind
us
on the battles within
that soon define us

pray for meoment of
silence
an image of paradise
gives us faith towards
guidence

I feel i lost myself
travling throw spaces
trying to find my wealth

[I_Write_Ivre]

I needs to be capitalized.

[bwanali]

I_Write_Ivre

I needs to be capitalized.

thanks is that it its a song

[I_Write_Ivre]

bwanali

I_Write_Ivre

I needs to be capitalized.

thanks is that it its a song

Those still need capitalized I's.

[The Despair Factor]

...yawn. rolleyes

[Tenshi Yaminade]

bwanali

Scars

Ideas things happen for a
reason
contradicting life every
season

Is it ideas? Or things? That happen for a reason. Also the entire stanza doesn't make sense. Things/ideas happen for a reason, contradicting life every season? What is contradictory to life about things/ideas? What's contradictory to life about things/ideas happening for a reason?

bwanali

Fear raining down your
tears
you've got hate for the world
it's becoming clear
no sense for the world you're
feeling queer
looking out to the canvas
from a rear

Fear is raining down your tears? What's that mean? Don't want your work to be too vague. Might want to move "you're" to the next line before "feeling queer". Also, might want to consider modern lingo as it might be insulting to people who are homosexual. Also...the later reference to the...um... the rear is a bit laughable considering your previous word choice. Your choice of words means everything so don't try so hard to rhyme as it may skew the meaning of the poetry.

bwanali

I am lost to the feeling of despair
It'sgot my life spinning circles over
here or hair?

we all suffer for prosperity
and the desire to leave for
eternity

we stay, hoping for the master piece
a main attraction is all that we ever
need

Peace and happiness are for what we
dream for

but anger and rage
are for what we leave for

it's time for you to know
you've got to let it go

So we suffer for prosperity AND the desire to leave? Leave what? Life? Home? Do a whole "start over in a new place" thing?

Next to your lines not making sense (what master piece are we hoping for? Main attraction? All we ever need for what? We dream for peace and happiness, but we leave for rage and anger? What?) your lines are worded awkwardly and passively (the subject is named/placed in the sentence after the object). I suggest changing them around so that they're less passive as I might have already done for you earlier in the sentence. We dream for peace and happiness. We leave for rage and anger. Even if it doesn't make sense, at least it sounds better.

bwanali

I am still hoping for a clear view
and all my sleepless nights
are about to pay metheir due
I pray I wake up for breakfast and
see the sun shine through all
the messes that build us up
and break us down.

scars never heal
wounds will remind us
of the battles within
that soon define us

I or We? or just Understood You?pray for a moment of
silence
an image of paradise
gives us faith towards
guidance

I feel I lost myself
trailing through spaces
trying to find my wealth

The blue line is just an addition of my own. Don't have to add it, but I thought this stanza made a bit of sense (even though it was still an abstract thought). The next one about scars and wounds actually makes a little sense and does have a little imagery sorta, kinda. And then you lost it again in the very next one. An image of paradise wouldn't give us faith so much as it would give us motivation and not towards guidance, whatever that means. And your meaning is completely lost again in the last stanza.


Overall, the lines of your poem seem to have no meaning or regard for any other line in the poem. It sounds like you threw some words toward a basket and stuck with whatever fell in (or wrote down some rhyming words for some of your lines and made a very awkward sentence).

No rhythm, all abstract, no real subject it seems as it tends to jump around to a lot of different and unrelated subjects and objects.

[bwanali]

hanks for taking time and read this and helping it was just thoughts lol ive actully decided to write something else that would make more sense but again thank you for your time

Tenshi Yaminade

bwanali

Scars

Ideas things happen for a
reason
contradicting life every
season

Is it ideas? Or things? That happen for a reason. Also the entire stanza doesn't make sense. Things/ideas happen for a reason, contradicting life every season? What is contradictory to life about things/ideas? What's contradictory to life about things/ideas happening for a reason?

bwanali

Fear raining down your
tears
you've got hate for the world
it's becoming clear
no sense for the world you're
feeling queer
looking out to the canvas
from a rear

Fear is raining down your tears? What's that mean? Don't want your work to be too vague. Might want to move "you're" to the next line before "feeling queer". Also, might want to consider modern lingo as it might be insulting to people who are homosexual. Also...the later reference to the...um... the rear is a bit laughable considering your previous word choice. Your choice of words means everything so don't try so hard to rhyme as it may skew the meaning of the poetry.

bwanali

I am lost to the feeling of despair
It'sgot my life spinning circles over
here or hair?

we all suffer for prosperity
and the desire to leave for
eternity

we stay, hoping for the master piece
a main attraction is all that we ever
need

Peace and happiness are for what we
dream for

but anger and rage
are for what we leave for

it's time for you to know
you've got to let it go

So we suffer for prosperity AND the desire to leave? Leave what? Life? Home? Do a whole "start over in a new place" thing?

Next to your lines not making sense (what master piece are we hoping for? Main attraction? All we ever need for what? We dream for peace and happiness, but we leave for rage and anger? What?) your lines are worded awkwardly and passively (the subject is named/placed in the sentence after the object). I suggest changing them around so that they're less passive as I might have already done for you earlier in the sentence. We dream for peace and happiness. We leave for rage and anger. Even if it doesn't make sense, at least it sounds better.

bwanali

I am still hoping for a clear view
and all my sleepless nights
are about to pay metheir due
I pray I wake up for breakfast and
see the sun shine through all
the messes that build us up
and break us down.

scars never heal
wounds will remind us
of the battles within
that soon define us

I or We? or just Understood You?pray for a moment of
silence
an image of paradise
gives us faith towards
guidance

I feel I lost myself
trailing through spaces
trying to find my wealth

The blue line is just an addition of my own. Don't have to add it, but I thought this stanza made a bit of sense (even though it was still an abstract thought). The next one about scars and wounds actually makes a little sense and does have a little imagery sorta, kinda. And then you lost it again in the very next one. An image of paradise wouldn't give us faith so much as it would give us motivation and not towards guidance, whatever that means. And your meaning is completely lost again in the last stanza.


Overall, the lines of your poem seem to have no meaning or regard for any other line in the poem. It sounds like you threw some words toward a basket and stuck with whatever fell in (or wrote down some rhyming words for some of your lines and made a very awkward sentence).

No rhythm, all abstract, no real subject it seems as it tends to jump around to a lot of different and unrelated subjects and objects.