hamguy poetry

[hamguy19]

dramallama first post, really hope i'm posting this in the right place dramallama

Here's a pooem and a highkoo i made

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cocooned within much fear and pain
such potent lies to nullify the brain
and turn at once a simple man
to actions no one understands

to satisfy an endless urge
a poison the body needs to purge
but without a means to end
one tries again, again, again

until at last one overcomes
or until a mind is lost
to learn from one's mistakes
or to pay an endless cost
________________________________

a bewitching stare
a stunning view of beauty
within a mirror
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test
test

test

[passy came back]

i'm going to hope that you wrote "highkoo" that way on purpose to be funny, but in case you didn't, it's "haiku". it's not an english word and therefore not spelled like one.

on the poem itself, you have a decent meter going, but the inconsistent rhyme scheme is jarring, and some of your word choices are shaky at best. when i read "much fear and pain" i honestly just thought of that silly doge meme. i like the use of the word "cocooned" but that's really the only good imagery you have going for you in this piece. i can do a more in depth critique if you wish, but this is just a summary for you.