Can I start by saying that capitalization is your friend, punctuation, darling, would be appreciated. Tags after at least some of the speaking pieces so you can tell who's talking, some form of descriptive anything... When you look over this just go through and put a periods when people are done talking, capitalize the first work of every sentence that follows the aforementioned punctuation. And I realize this is Twilight so it's not too good anyway, but this is still someone else's work so do well by the author and at least get their names right. Also, no LOLing, in real writing text talk is not appropriate unless someone's writing a text. Also make sure you spell out words rather than abbreviating, like U...
Hope this helped you a bit hun, don't let a few people discourage you.