Beyblade-fic

[Loopn]

Umm... I'll write here my Beyblade-fiction.. ^^

Tyson sat on his bed and tryed to do his homework. It was hard, when Dragoon was on his desk and almost called to play. Kenny sat on floor and did something with Dizzy and Max stared out of the window.
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Tyson yelled and threw his books on a floor so hard that Kenny scared very much. Max started to stare Tyson.
"What? What you can't take anymore?" he asked.
"Erm, well we just sit here and do these dumb homework... and..." Tyson started to tell.
"Only you do homework", Dizzy said.
".....uh, anyway, we should do something fun for a while! Let's go beybladde somewhere!" Tyson said.
"Ok, but make sure that you still do your homework today!" Kenny said and went outside. Tyson followed him and so did Max. When they came outside they heard Kenny speaking... to someone... but it sure wasn't Dizzy. They heard Kenny saying words like "I'm Kenny" and "this is Dizzy". So it really wasn't Dizzy, it was someone else... but who?


Yeah, who it was? Tell me if you want to read more! wink

edit: lol, nobody's reading this...-_-"

[Patchesinheaven]

um...Good?Keep going,It will get better.Trust me. 3nodding

[Loopn]

Patchesinheaven

um...Good?Keep going,It will get better.Trust me. 3nodding

^^ ok. I'll continue little again... then tell if u want to read more.

Tyson went to the gate where Kenny and Dizzy were.. and Kenny was talking to a girl! The girl had yellow hair and they were lightning-shaped... she was something maybe 13 years old and she had a black shirt lightnings in it. And she was asking some guestons from Kenny and Dizzy.
"So, you are one of the Blade Breakers?" girl asked.
"Yep, he's doing all work and other are blading", Dizzy said. Kenny smiled and soon he noticed Tyson and Max.
"Hi guys! Let me introduce Shannon to you!" Boss said and pointed girl.
Girl bowed and smiled.
"Hiya, my name is Shannon Spark, are you Tyson and Max?" she asked. Tyson nodded, so did Max too.
"Alright! I've search you guys very long time!" Shannon said.
"That so? Why is that? Do you want our autographs?" Tyson asked.
"Ah, no. I'm searching one of your team!" Shannon explained.

Who is she looking for? And why? tell me if u wanna know! ^^

[Ximena Angel]

its good even bayblade is stupid

[Loopn]

Ximena Angel

its good even bayblade is stupid

I watch beyblade only 'cause Kai is in that. heart Just love him..... *sigh* BUT! He can't beat Vegeta! XD lol. so do u want i continue this?

[Daiku Maryu]

It's bad. Sorry for saying that but it's true. The story lacks descrption and I can already tell for whom is Shanon looking - Kai, isn't it? You plan to make them fall in love, don't you?

Better give it up, or at least re-write it seven times before posting.

Blah, I so hate being mean, but I can't really say anything good.

[Loopn]

Maria-Lin

It's bad. Sorry for saying that but it's true. The story lacks descrption and I can already tell for whom is Shanon looking - Kai, isn't it? You plan to make them fall in love, don't you?

Better give it up, or at least re-write it seven times before posting.

Blah, I so hate being mean, but I can't really say anything good.

It's your opinion. ^^ but, how can you now that it's Kai who she's looking for? It can be Ray too.... awh, who am I kidding? It's Kai. XD lol

fall in love? Kai? never.... .____." or maybe.... keep reading this. XD
I'll continue this now! cool

"Huh? And who?" Tyson asked.
"Kai Hiwatari... do you know where I can find him?" Shannon asked.
"Hum, I have his phone number", said Kenny and called to Kai and then he did same to Ray. He asked them to come to Tyson's.
"Kai's coming, Ray too", Boss-named boy said and Shannon smiled.
"What shall we do while we wait for them?" Max asked.
"Hey, do you want to see my beyblade?" girl suggested.
"HUH?! YOU HAVE A BEYBLADE?!" boys yelled. Shannon nodded and took her beyblade out of her pocket. It was yellow blade little gold in it. Tyson already noticed that the blade had bit-beast in it. But he couldn't know what bit-beast and what power was in it.... and... he wondered, was Shannon good blader?


Oh, is she? And what for she asked Kai to come to Tyson's? U'll know if u want... wink

[Daiku Maryu]

If you make her a good blader, she's a Mary-Sue... *sighs* Can't you write longer chapters? A bit more description wouldn't hurt.

Instead of writing:

Quote:

"Huh? And who?" Tyson asked.
"Kai Hiwatari... do you know where I can find him?" Shannon asked.

try doing it like that:

Quote:

"Huh? And who?" Tyson eyes widened in curiosity as he asked. He turned complitely to her, his mouth opened slightly.
"Kai Hiwatari..." Shanon answered with a small smile. She made a small pause to let it sink in. "Do you know where I can find him?"

See, how much more it is? You have the description of Tyson's and Shanon's behaviour, which your post lacked. It really makes the story more interesting. Besides, readers are lazy creatures, they don't want to think to much on how the characters reacted.

How I knew it was Kai? you said, he's your favourite character and since the story hadn't surprzied me so far, I could easily guess. Same goes for the falling in love part.

[Loopn]

Maria-Lin

If you make her a good blader, she's a Mary-Sue... *sighs* Can't you write longer chapters? A bit more description wouldn't hurt.

Instead of writing:

Quote:

"Huh? And who?" Tyson asked.
"Kai Hiwatari... do you know where I can find him?" Shannon asked.

try doing it like that:

Quote:

"Huh? And who?" Tyson eyes widened in curiosity as he asked. He turned complitely to her, his mouth opened slightly.
"Kai Hiwatari..." Shanon answered with a small smile. She made a small pause to let it sink in. "Do you know where I can find him?"

See, how much more it is? You have the description of Tyson's and Shanon's behaviour, which your post lacked. It really makes the story more interesting. Besides, readers are lazy creatures, they don't want to think to much on how the characters reacted.

How I knew it was Kai? you said, he's your favourite character and since the story hadn't surprzied me so far, I could easily guess. Same goes for the falling in love part.

Thank u for the advices Maria-chan! ^^ I'm afraid that my text can't get any better, 'cause I'm English is not my head language... I'm stil learning it, writing in Finnish is pretty hard (to write well I mean) and writing English is... much harder to me. But I can try to write better, if it makes ppl happy. ^^ And I'm pretty young too, not J.K Rowling or something. wink so, try yto take, what I write, sorz for the bad text... u_ù"

I'll continue later today

[Daiku Maryu]

Thundi

Thank u for the advices Maria-chan! ^^ I'm afraid that my text can't get any better, 'cause I'm English is not my head language... I'm stil learning it, writing in Finnish is pretty hard (to write well I mean) and writing English is... much harder to me. But I can try to write better, if it makes ppl happy. ^^ And I'm pretty young too, not J.K Rowling or something. wink so, try yto take, what I write, sorz for the bad text... u_ù"

I'll continue later today

I'm not English either, I'm Polish. English is my second language - and I'm still learning too. I do understand it's hard in the begining, but if you re-read the text once you wote it, fish out the repetitions, you really can improve the story.

[Loopn]

Maria-Lin

Thundi

Thank u for the advices Maria-chan! ^^ I'm afraid that my text can't get any better, 'cause I'm English is not my head language... I'm stil learning it, writing in Finnish is pretty hard (to write well I mean) and writing English is... much harder to me. But I can try to write better, if it makes ppl happy. ^^ And I'm pretty young too, not J.K Rowling or something. wink so, try yto take, what I write, sorz for the bad text... u_ù"

I'll continue later today

I'm not English either, I'm Polish. English is my second language - and I'm still learning too. I do understand it's hard in the begining, but if you re-read the text once you wote it, fish out the repetitions, you really can improve the story.

ok, I'll try to write better... maybe after this I write better fic. wink