Dirty Little Secrets [Announcement 11/8/2023]

Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say?	29.2%	[ 743 ]
Before I rise to my defense,	5.0%	[ 127 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear,	5.6%	[ 142 ]
Before I build that wall of words,	4.3%	[ 110 ]
Tell me: did I really hear?	10.2%	[ 260 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls,	9.8%	[ 249 ]
They sentence us, or set us free.	6.1%	[ 156 ]
When I speak and when I hear,	2.9%	[ 75 ]
Let the love light shine through me.	26.8%	[ 681 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2543 ]

[BeastEuphoria]

If you don't watch me carefully then I will become what you didn't want. I will become what I have been scared to be. I will become... my father.

[BeastEuphoria]

I am slipping farther and farther away from reality. I am afraid of falling alseep because if I wake up and want to kill myself then I will do it. I have to fall alseep late enough that when I wake up you will be there. But tomorrow you won't be. What do I do now?

[Deojack]

IMMACULATUS

I obsessively check all of my friends' posts.

All of them.

I have always wanted to be the kind of friend who can also be seen as a guardian--the kind of person who, when all hope is gone, when it seems like nobody is there for you, I am watching over you. I may not interact with you when you are in distress, I may rarely speak with you at all, but you are my friend. Your life is dear to me, and your experiences that you share with DLS or tumblr never go unseen by me.

[Deojack]

IMMACULATUS

I wish there were someone who would read every single post I make on DLS. Even that horrendously long post I just made before this one, and this rather exhausting one as well.

I write every one of them with the intent of them being read, regardless of what the posts are about or how they're written. It's not entirely a matter of wanting attention or needing someone to know the subject matter; truthfully, it's partly that, but mostly just a subconscious psychology instilled in me from posting in online forums since I was 10, which is this: people post, others read. As a result, I read every post in DLS that is posted while I have the tab open. If I leave the computer, I always read from my last post to the latest one, no matter who it is or how many posts have been made (which is sometimes quite an arduous effort).

I believe Asmond reads all my posts; but most of the time, I think that's a pipe-dream. I really think that he doesn't, because he just doesn't have the time to backtrack through all of my posts. Furthermore, Gaia isn't as much of a priority to him as it is to me--although he posts here more often, it seems I place a lot more stress on posting in DLS and reading posts than he does.

At least ten times a day, I refresh his posts page, waiting for the newest updates on what he's chosen to share here. With the same obsessive frequency, I check his tumblr. Through some manner of depressingly low self-esteem, I just believe these two things: A., that I'm far more desperate for someone to notice every single thing I do than he is, and B., that nobody could possibly be interested in everything I post on DLS and on tumblr.

[KairiWillSwantonYou]

Deojack

IMMACULATUS

I wish there were someone who would read every single post I make on DLS. Even that horrendously long post I just made before this one, and this rather exhausting one as well.

I write every one of them with the intent of them being read, regardless of what the posts are about or how they're written. It's not entirely a matter of wanting attention or needing someone to know the subject matter; truthfully, it's partly that, but mostly just a subconscious psychology instilled in me from posting in online forums since I was 10, which is this: people post, others read. As a result, I read every post in DLS that is posted while I have the tab open. If I leave the computer, I always read from my last post to the latest one, no matter who it is or how many posts have been made (which is sometimes quite an arduous effort).

I believe Asmond reads all my posts; but most of the time, I think that's a pipe-dream. I really think that he doesn't, because he just doesn't have the time to backtrack through all of my posts. Furthermore, Gaia isn't as much of a priority to him as it is to me--although he posts here more often, it seems I place a lot more stress on posting in DLS and reading posts than he does.

At least ten times a day, I refresh his posts page, waiting for the newest updates on what he's chosen to share here. With the same obsessive frequency, I check his tumblr. Through some manner of depressingly low self-esteem, I just believe these two things: A., that I'm far more desperate for someone to notice every single thing I do than he is, and B., that nobody could possibly be interested in everything I post on DLS and on tumblr.

[KairiWillSwantonYou]

Ƭħε ρεηɗυℓυϻ sϮιℓℓ sωαʏs ϝѳʀ ʏѳυ,
$υcħ αrε Ϯħε ɗαʀκs ħεrε Ϯѳ sħѳω ʏoυ, cħιℓɗ ιn α cѳʀηεʀ,
Ϝαℓℓεη ϻιʀʀѳʀs, αℓℓ κιηԍɗѳϻ ιn cιηɗεʀs.


I just went through all those asinine evaluation things and my grades aren't even up.

[Deojack]

Well I took a nap and now I can't sleep.
And now Gil is asleep.
And I have school to do tomorrow. xd
Ah well.
Maybe I'll play WoW or something. 3nodding
Probably just sit here and read through pages of DLS to entertain myself. And sip some cherry coke, even though I really shouldbe sleeping.
At least I finally submitted my thesis statement after about 2-3 weeks of procrastinating. sweatdrop

[your head]

again i'm stressing out on your behalf.
lol it's every time i do this for you.
it won't just work out smoothly.

[Deojack]

Lol, I got some response to a comment I made on youtube about how people should stop arguing over religion, watch the video, and move on.
The guy had a well executed response, it was nice to read. But he said, in a nutshell, that he disagrees and that people should continue the religious discussion and shouldn't stop just because it's about religion.


I don't think he realizes that there aren't really any religious "discussions". More like arguments that are never won by either side. I agree that it's great to discuss and exchange ideas but typically when it comes to religious arguments you have two stubborn people pointlessly arguing and it never leads to any resolve or enlightenment. Which in my opinion is completely pointless and just better off being avoided all together.

[Deojack]

I know it's bad, but I often make myself "troll bait". I find it really funny. Especially when people look at my profile and assume I'm an idiot. rolleyes I'm not ashamed of my obnoxiously cute profile, my obnoxiously cute boyfriend WHO I ALSO MET ONLINE, and I am not afraid of proudly declaring that we are each other's penguins! 4laugh heart
If people laugh at that, that's fine. rolleyes I'm not ashamed of being in a long distance relationship, and I'm certainly not ashamed of being openly corny. xd

[IMMACULATUS]

... Holy s**t. I had no idea all of these songs were still in my possession.

All of the Misfits' Walk Among Us, Hora and Kaya's respective discographies, everything by Primus, everything by Sunn O)))...

I thought all of this stuff was lost. This is unbelievably awesome.

[Deojack]

I just get a real kick out of that sort of thing.
I wouldn't call myself a troll. I hate that stupidly cliche term. If anything I would say that I flame. I don't think people understand the difference between trolling and flaming, but it's no use trying to tell them that anyway. Flaming is an old internet term it seems. D;
But.. I really do enjoy when people get upset over me. But not because I've made fun of them or something but because they try to make fun of or insult me. I've reached a point where I don't even try to argue back or support myself- I don't need to. xp It's much funnier to sit there and watch them talk and talk and talk and talk all the while they feel super c00l and awesomez because they totally tr0lled this ******** loser lululululz.
whee 4laugh cool

[spaZZeRRiFFic]

I know I got mad that you lost your phone after I had an extremely private conversation with you.
I just felt horrible that anyone could find your phone and read it.
So yeah… I ignored you.
A lot.
Even when you sent me a happy anniversary email on the wrong day.

It makes me slightly mad, but you know what, I won't stoop low.
I won't be the evil person in this scenario.

But you know, its okay. You're the only one suffering from you being kicked out of school for failing.
I understand that.
I understand that it's been a hard time for you.
I understand that you were fired from Subway.

I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand.

Or at least, I'm trying to.

I mean, this affected me too.
My whole life was turned upside down and you think I'm enjoying this.
That it's a game to me?

I tell you that I'm getting on with out you.
That I was lonely for the first few weeks, but now I've moved on.
Because I've had to.
And you get all upset because you don't want me moving on, because you're afraid of losing me.
Face it. You're not doing much to help this relationship work.
And I'll admit, I do not wasn't to say goodbye to a year and a half relationship.

Perhaps its because you know I'm too good for you.
What am I saying. I'm lying. I'm no good for anybody.

You know what? You claim to be a failure, that you're depressed, you can count the things that are wrong with your life on more than one hand.
So can many other.
But I'm patient.
I'm kind.
I'm understanding.

And you know what? Even though I have problems, I know they can wait. I know that I don't have to be the center of attention ever.

I failed. I did not get into nursing school.
Which caused a text reply of: "Oh."
"Sorry."
"Oh no no no. It's not your fault."
Of course it is. And no matter what you say, I know you blame me for not getting in.

Forcing us to spend a year apart, or even more.

I'm returning home. 3,000 miles away from you.

And, I guess what I really want to say is…

I'm Sorry.

[your head]

i thought it would be fun to go out and do something tomorrow.
but the things i can come up with could be mistaken as dates.
which is a misunderstanding i don't want to risk. at all.