I've screwed up alot in my life and it's hard for me to realize at times.
Of all people you guys should know this the most. We had fun in our short time together, and I can only pray we'll be together again some day. I know I was the one that always said we would all meet no matter what that I would make it possible. Now I think it's time that I come clean after all these years.
You guys are amazing in you're own special ways, and that's what I envied about you. When we first met, I wasn't having the best of life, so I seeked for other things to take me somewhere I didn't have to deal with it. My own little sanctuary. I turned to, what I thought of at first was a stupid website someone interduced me to, Gaia. This stupid little website, I must say, changed my life forever. Part of me hates that it did, but at the time it was all I had. I was only 11. I tended to believe whatever anyone told me. I found people I thought I could turn to. To an extent I thought it was true. I didn't know any better.
That stupid website gave me a small opertunity, and I took it, being the stupid girl I am. And what did it do? It interduced me to the meaning of true friends, people I could trust- or at least I thought I could, my first crush. Everything. Most importanat, it interduced me to this little thing called 'drama'. I hate it, but apparently it loves me. I got involved with alot of crap at a young age, and I regret it. I regret it ever happening because it followed me wherever I went. It still is, it's like a constant weight hanging over my head, that I can't get rid of. Well I want to get rid of it now, and i know for a fact it will change my life yet again. All I can hope for is that my 'true' friends will accept me.. Then again I don't have any truen friends, so I guess it doesn't matter.
A long time ago -- about two years-- i wrote this thing on Gaia. My 'Mini-Biography.' I'm gonna make a few changes.
My name is Rachel Rose-marie Sams. I'm now 14. My birthday is February 24, '96. I was born 2 months early as what they thought would be a miss. Hence the word 'mirical' came in. I'm majorly accident prone. Thanks to genetics, I have way low bone density, loose tendons, and alot of other medical issues I would have never asked for. I practically live at the hospital. When I'm not there as a patient, I work there part time giving back to the people who saved me many times. I have lived through alot, including the losses of loved one. My brother Skylar died February 17, '94. Technically I would've been the 8th out of 12. I was abused as a little kid, yet we never told anyone in the family. When I did try to tell family members when I was little, no one ever believed me. I was always blamed for stupid stuff I never did which I got punished majorly for later. i was taught at a young age to take what was given to me and to keep my mouth shut or I would get beaten. Even a ffew doctors would refuse to give me pain meds until I quit crying because of the pain. I'm not one to complain, but when I do it can get nasty. I didn't have the idea childhood. It was hectic and not something I would want to remember. I have a very vivid memory. I can tell you what happend in order something happend years ago. Not something I'm proud of but I can't tell you much that I am. I still don't have best of life. I keep to myself and most of the time refuse to tell anyone what's going on. Because of my past, it takes alot to make me cry. I get scared easily, but don't let people see that I am. I'm suppose to take various medicines for depression and other medical issues that I refuse to take. They tend to only make it worse. I've broken almost every bone. I've had cancer. I've been in the hospital so many times as a patient, I can put my IV in perfectly by myself. I'm very independent. If someone tells me I'm not capable of doing something, I automatically have to prove them wrong.
I make alot of mistakes, but I am human and I can only do so much. Lifes short, especially mine. I take alot of chances and most of my actions tend to be very stupid. I regret half of my life. There are various things I'm glad happend, others I could live without.
I am happy I met Gianna. I know she's disapointed in me alot and can't really handle anything I do. I'm sorry. At times i feel like I've ruined your life.
Even though we don't talk much, I'm glad I know Christina.. even though she doesn't know it. Everytime I do talk to her, she automatically cheers me up.
I never really knew Rob, and he never really knew me, but I looked up to him like a big brother.
I'm embarresed to say, but Erian was my first crush. He started out as a amazing friend that I couldn't live without. then he showed me what I was really looking for all along - someone that actually cared.
There were many others, that I thought I could trust, that changed my life- for better and worse. I envied you guys. All of you. Even though you didn't know it, I looked up to all of you like a helpless little puppy I was. You taught me how to build a foundation for the rest of my life. I thank you for that. It's hard for me to put this.. but you guys taught me how to move on. I think I need to do that now. I hope one day.. maybe we will meet. But don't count on my to bring us together like I always said.
Thank you.
Love Always
Forever and Ever
No matter where we are in life
I will always be the angel by your side~
E strano to sempre libera ~ Omnia vincit amor.
Forever your Rieso.
