tohru1996

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Birthday: 04/17

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Fear

I wrote this. Please be warned
This documented I Will BE having name changes because the fact this has real names. For deceased reasoning and alive. Please understand This Is My Fear. And I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO INSULT OR TO BE NAMED! BECAUSE OF PRIVACY CONTENT!!! Fare Warning this is long. (Sorry but this document has took time and guts for me to post online.) I shall also say the places and names of Schools and Mental Hospitals for more of a experience to Parents or others who know these places. WARNING THERE IS GRAPHIC CONTENT AND A WARNING FOR OTHERS WHO ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!!! SO PLEASE PLEASE BE WARNED!!!. Names of The places as the principle and the trigger will be named. Because this fear. This has gone too much. And I feel like others should feel not alone.

Fear.
I fear everything… from emotions…
I fear that IF I get abandoned… I fear of myself… I fear of everything of anxiety. I fear of my depression. I fear of my sadness taking over. I fear everything. I fear of happiness also. Because I know my happiness will be taken away. Like a blanket or stuff animal from a child and thrown away. I fear that if my safety blanket or teddy bear is going away in an instant. I fear. I fear if I leave this world. I am alone. I will not go to heaven. I am known to that. Because here is my life story. When I was born, I was held until 1 year old. My family wont hold me. My cousins would. But they are dead. My Mother worked until 3:00 AM and sleep in the same bed with me. I never got to be held unless it was at night when I am asleep. When I was 4. I was surprised of becoming an aunt. Her name is Layla. Shes so pretty. Then Bruse Little rascal. Happy Pillz. Alfred my nephew. We always known each other better than mother and father. Grandma or Grandpa. Harley. Still beauty even when she is tomboy. Star. Shes the hustler. And still proud to be her aunt. Even though she can be racist, not knowing the real world against others. . I miss her Flor green hazel eyes. Shes so funny! Jazz. I may not know much about her. But I hope she will be okay. Robin. I know you are adopted to a new family. But if she ever needs to know how her father is. She can come and see. Six nieces two nephews. But I love them. Even though my 4 nieces side of family hates me. I was basically a mother to Bruse, Alfred, even Harley. I love you 3. Sometimes I cannot hold myself up. But you guys helped me through my depression, my anxiety, mental hosital, even going to the rough times. I remember When WE were younger. We had so many adventures! When I was 3 years old. I been bullied because I was poor and get sick so often. I had a weak immune system. I cannot even get up sometimes because I was really big. Before the age of 11 I was almost 290 pounds. here is the reason though, I have hypothyroid. Which my hormones get very low amounts. until I was 7. My mom was very worried. because my hands keep getting cold, when my fever goes to 107 each school day and I feel fine. When my break downs turn into horrible disasters. I break things even when I was 7. I scream until my lungs give out. Sometimes I feel very cold when its like 90 degree weather. When I was younger. I had a emotional/mental/physical life even some sexual. When I was 9. I remember this day perfectly. It was sunny. A summer day. Bruse and Alfred were playing outside. I remember his nickname. Vincent. Harley was 1 ½ years old. The boys were rough housing and shes with me. I feel like I was in a trance. I remember his words saying “come inside. I got candy. The boys are just playing. Harley is sleeping. You are being a good girl.” All in Spanish. When I went into his room. Upstairs. I didn’t have my gut instincts yet. I knew something was wrong… but I was very naive. I was wanting candy. But He closed the door and started stripping. I tried getting out… But my parents didn’t teach to scream or yell. Or to call 9-1-1… He pushed me down on the bed and took my pants off… I cried silently. “Today you are going to be a woman. And if you tell anyone this… You are going to hell. You are going to be a bad girl for life. Because you are doing this without being married.” He explained in Spanish again. I felt horrible. All I remembered. Is staring at a corner. Spacing out. Feeling alone. My nephews came up saying “She’s awake!” He stopped. and pulled something off. All I can see… right then and there…. him taking my underwear… and putting my pants back on… “go put some new clothing. You will get blood everywhere. Do not tell mommy or daddy. Or you will go to hell.” I remembered tears coming from my eyes. From the hurt inside of my v****a. I had my period that year also. My nephews, Harley and I… Came from bad times.Very Bad and Dark Times I shall exclaim. They were in foster care. I was still living in the house. Still getting sicker and sicker. I was bullied from all kids in the age of 3 up too high school. Sometimes I hate thinking of my past. Because I was feeling like I am pointless in lies. I got hit with belts, switches, wires, even burned. I remember when I younger. I hate staying alone. Even in a classroom. Because I feel like I am abandoned. I feel like I have nothing to hold. I keep looking back… And I see my biological mom… Leaving me and coming back around 7 pm… I felt so alone… I get lost easily… I remembered seeing my 2nd mother. RIP Mama Katrina. I love you and miss you forever and always my mother. I remembered. I felt like s**t. She always held me in a specific way… So I won’t and WILL NOT HURT MYSELF OR NEPHEWS OR NIECE! I always wanted to hurt them. My aggression was bad as a kid. Then people keep making me feel like more abused, calling me older than I look. Calling me I am poor… when I know I am… Calling me feet feet… because I came with socks and sandals… They called me elephant… because when I was younger… I had big ears… dumbo…. retarded… because division was harder for me… math was very complicated… I fear of abandonment… I fear of feeling alone… I fear of being no one… I fear… because… I feel like Winter cold is only described as how I feel. How cold it is, how the snow falls, how the unique shapes, how the quiet and stillness it is… How… beauty makes disasters stop… I remember 1 time… I got lost in the woods… and I tried remembering the rocks I left… but I couldn’t …. I remembered… I left my parents house and ran…. until I find woods… it started to snow… I was around 11 at the time… I was starting to cut… I kept cutting after cut… feeling useless… in times of need… I still feel sometimes reaching out is pointless… because I know sometimes reaching out… meaning I am weak… I had no phone… I had no home… I remembered a police officer… finding me… near a tunnel… it’s still lightly snowing… but getting colder… he took me in his squad car… bought me hot cocoa… even a doughnut… glazed and chocolate… “Why did you run away?” he asked. “I ran from the monsters… They call me names, throw me down, push me around, calling me stupid, retarded, poor…” That I cried… so much that I felt like my eyes were popping out of my head… I came back to my parents house… staying away from them… I got my first laptop to type how I feel… I kept typing after typing… when I was in Dominon… mental hospital… It was before I was 12. I felt like I was alone. My parents saw me only 3 times… I was there for a month… it was before my birthday I got out. I kept feeling more and more alone. I was in my room most of the time… I didn’t want to get out… When I was 13 or 14 years old… Somone called me a “raging whore” because her boyfriend or something wants me more than her… I snapped. The next day I brought a machete… I brought it out and tried to cut others… because I have been bullied since 3 years old… and that is not right… I been raped as a kid… I didn’t think rape was a thing… until I heard the definition… fast foward a little and I was sent to Kellar Inova… This is a school in Fairfax, VA USA I hate that school. I felt like my emotions are nothing there… I couldn’t even smile unless its fake… I hate my old school…. I remembered this dude… Who I called my brother… His name is Karl B. I remembered all the lazer tags, the walk in the woods, the places we go… I remembered my bedroom… I remembered the church.. that is the first… He wanted me to suck his p***s… and I didn’t… I don’t want to lose my virginity…. I kept saying no… but he grabbed my hair and pulled me to suck… the taste…. the fish like taste…. make me want to puke… the second time was in my bedroom… we basically just fooled around with the camera… trying to be a YouTube stars…. but that never happened… because he closed the door… I was about to scream… but he covered my mouth… “Scream and I will hurt you worse.” I kept looking at the corner near the closet… silent… I wasn’t on birth control… the third time… at his parents house… he was 14… I was 16…. I called him a brother… I couldn’t hold…. I stripped my clothing like he wanted me too…. and I lay down…. as he kisses me… I looked at a red teddy bear… spacing out…. and that’s when I knew I am getting pregnant… I picked up my clothing… put them on and acted like everything was fine… it wasn’t…. the other time… He walked from North Side of Arlington, VA …. in the blizzard snow… I tried running away… because I don’t want it to happen again…. never… again… I don’t want to see him… He came into my room locked it… kissed me and did it over again…. a few weeks… I know I was pregnant because I missed my period…. I told my mom and the Kellar school… The principle… Amy Hartswick… I hate her… she told me to grow up. Rape isn’t a thing… Her Attitude with me for the past 3 ½ years was horrible. I have been trying to get out of that school for years. Because the fact. I felt like it was never helping. I avoided the school… because I know he’s always there… and the haunting… I couldn’t… I got the baby aborted… said “Blake” to name it… I regret killing a life… but to have a future… I had too… I fear of being abandoned… I fear of being used as a doll… I fear… I am NOTHING!!! I fear that every person who leaves… and says goodbye… I feel abandoned… I fear… of every horrible emotion… that others can think of… I feel nothing… Relationships hurt me sometimes… because I feel like… “We break up… because emotions control over me..” I feel broken… Karl was the only guy best friend I have ever had…. and I stayed inside… after a long time… I stayed inside… locked in my room…. feeling useless… I fear of abandonment…. because people left… and some came back… others cannot…. I feel blame over myself… I feel like I should die… because… I hate myself… from the blame I have caused…

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THE KILLER SHADOW WOLF Report | 12/14/2016 11:13 am
THE KILLER SHADOW WOLF
was that < fear> writing about you ... if so im so sorry and hope things are better now. no one should go through that
RosemaryMint Report | 07/28/2009 2:20 pm
RosemaryMint
PLEASE READ*** BIG NEW FROM GAIA ONLINE!!!Okay, So your probably thinking that this is another chain letter right?. But this is not a chain letter.This is a shout out from Gaia Online.Every month Gaia Online has an inspector that comes to check up on our website.The inspector is checking up on Gaia Online on 7/27/09 in disguise as a regular gaia member. We are tired of the inspector always bugging us about small comments or inappropriate language or behavior. We would highly appreciate it if the day he comes there would be none of the listed items. Because if so, we will have more things taken away like the sitting button.

LISTEN CLOSELY FOR HERE DOWN
--------------------------------------------
SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT GAIA ONLINE'S WEBSITE INSPECTOR!!! HERE IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO...

COPY AND PASTE THIS TO AT LEAST THREE PROFILES. IF YOU GET THIS DONE WE WILL CHECK AND SEE IF YOU DID AND WILL GRANT YOU 500,000 GOLD! THIS IS NOT A JOKE! WE WILL NOT GRANT YOU 500,000 GOLD RIGHT AWAY BUT WE ASURE THAT YOU WILL RECEIVE IT SOON AFTER YOU HAVE GRANTED OUR WISH. THANK YOU AND THIS IS REAL!!!

Yours truly,
Gaia online
Kasher34 Report | 07/20/2009 1:15 pm
Kasher34
What 100,000 gaia gold? Well 3 easy steps.1st step copy and paste this to 10 people.2nd step log on and press ctrl and f8.3rd step log in and than BAM 10k!(:
I Am Floopsie Report | 06/22/2009 6:10 am
I Am Floopsie
haha wonder why he was drowning.... ?
I Am Floopsie Report | 06/22/2009 5:51 am
I Am Floopsie
XD did he ask you to go out wit him too?
I Am Floopsie Report | 06/22/2009 5:20 am
I Am Floopsie
hi! that guy was wierd O.o

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