About
ABSTINENCE FOR ALL!
And why should I abstain, you ask? To prevent terrible diseases, of course, such as genital warts, crabs, and those merciless testicle weevils. Also, a shocking new report finds that babies are indeed a direct and proven outcome of sexual intercourse!!! (sorry for the overuse of exclamation points, but I want you to remember this, and remember it well!) Did you know also, that sexual intercourse may for some be too exciting and cause a heart attack and death right then and there. This can happen to anyone, and anytime, so matter how many times they've had sex before. This is the time to abstain! Educate yourselves before it's too late!
But how, you ask? Why the answer is quite simple! Take a simple and unbreakable vow to never partake in sexual acts (again, for those who may have already violated the sanctity of themselves and another). To resist temptation, refrain from all sexual activity. Remember, those weevils are just dying to prey upon the flesh of the innocent. Don't let this happen to you!
Another good way to stay pure and healthy and godly is to never, ever masturbate again. That's right, put that vibrator away, because the more you think about it, the more difficult resisting will become. And besides, everyone who's smart knows that during masturbation, spiders crawl through your butt and lay their eggs because you're too distracted to notice! It's true! Do not be swayed by the devil!
Remove words from your vocabulary and life which arouse within you even the slightest sexual recognition; if a friend insists upon using a nasty word for what's down there, drop him. Don't return his phone calls or emails, because what does a sinner deserve but the fiery hell of losing your friendship? Nothing, that's what.
The fourth and final step to a giving yourself a good cleansing is to take the evils out of your daily life. Do you pass a certain object to and from home, school, church, and the circus, (or wherever your chosen place of worship may be) and have impure thoughts because of that object? These objects are naughty, and must be disposed of immediately. Take a weekend off and see to it that the object is taken care of. If the object cannot be removed, simply recite Hail Mary as you walk past, making sure to avert your gaze as you do so.
When all else fails, the Abstinence Fairy™ is here for support and guidance! For He accepts those from all walks of life who want to better themselves and save themselves from eternal burning and/or unpleasant talking-to's. Good luck on your journey to Heaven. Thank you all, praise our Lord, and goodnight.
Necessary Abstinence Supplies:
'STOP THE SEX' AbstinenceBuddy™ Stop Sign
Giant Tampon (To control the regular menstrual flow of girls NOT on Birth Control)
Bubblegum Cigarette (To get the kids to think we have all the answers)
Those Who Have Vowed To Abstain:
Crayola
Brad At War
Ms Hetero
XLETS HAVE AN ORGY
C A W K SLAHP
Mubon
iDancer In The Dark
bearbunny03
Thank You, Donators! <3
P y x n - Angelic Parasol
Comments
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So i should wear the octupus?
Oh, trust me. I won't.
It's gross. o;
And thank you, by the way. : D
Thanks.
So i guess i should join you too *shrugs*
A friend told me to look you up. ;D
I plan on being abstinent forever. <3
FOREVER. > surprised
Minwa-desu~
[Waiting for someone?]