I pray that none of the following offends you as it is not my intention. This is my own personal experience and it has made me a better person today.
Click the spoilers to read further. emotion_bigheart
I have been changed. My life will never be quite the same. Let me tell you my story.. my testimony.
My life changed in 2012. Before that however..I was always angry, had major depression, was ridden with anxiety..I was a constant liar, I lusted over anything and anyone that looked good. I was a mess. This was all a result of having been through years of workplace bullying that eventually took its toll on all areas of my life.
I've thought of suicide countless times but was too scared to actually go through with it. And in the first few months of 2012..I was at my peak. I had had enough. Most of my life was filled with negative feelings, thoughts, words, and actions that I've chosen to engage in.
Feeling on the brink of committing suicide, I wanted it to all end. But not physically. I wanted to end these feelings of negativity, helplessness, worthlessness, I wanted to feel joy again. My desire to rid myself of these negative emotions and thinking overrode my desire to end my life. And the next thing I knew, I prayed. Genuinely prayed. For the first time in my life, (despite having been raised to attend Church nearly every week) I meant every single word of it. Every single hurt and sin I could think of, I just poured out all that was in my heart. I told God what I've been going through, all the things I've been feeling, and that I wanted Him to heal me, forgive me, redeem me, and help me from that night forward. And honestly.. it's hard to judge my experience if you've never genuinely accepted Christ into your life; if you haven't poured out to Him to forgive you of all your sins and to come into your life to make Him your Lord and Savior. It's extremely difficult. I used to be the one who would scoff and mock Christians. Did I deserve to be forgiven? Absolutely not. I was blown away by His grace and mercy that met me at my darkest and most undeserving hour of my life when I chose to call out to Him.
After I prayed, it honestly felt like all the weight on my shoulders and deep within my soul had been lifted. Like a fog suddenly dispersing to give way to Light. (Although, you don't need to feel an actual physical lifting of anything. Being 'born again' doesn't depend on experiencing something physical or anything so don't feel discouraged if you happen to not have that experience.)
Anyway, I felt like I was given another chance to start over. And that is forgiveness. If you ever feel guilty of anything, invite Him in. It has to come from your heart. A genuine confession. He has the power to break the bonds of sin, any negative event in your past, your guilt, your shame, etc.
I prayed for Him to change my life, to turn it around a full 360 degrees for the better and for Him to help me each day.
Since then..He has radically changed who I am.
I'm not perfect by any means; I am still very much a work-in-progress. Always letting Him down in some way or another but always striving to follow Him no matter what. Whenever I stray, His unrelenting love pursues me and brings me to a place of confession and repentance ...simply because He loves me that much to let me wander far from Him.
He has deepened my faith and understanding. My days are filled with purpose. I have hope now. I want to give the love He gave me ..back to others.
It has been once in a blue moon that I've ever thought of suicide.
Keep in mind that God is Holy and Just. A lot of people think He's some sort of genie in the sky and loves everyone. Well, He truly does love everyone. But He is also a Judge and since He is Holy and Just, He needs to punish sin.
Let's think about it this way: Would you think a judge on earth is just in letting a murderer go without punishment in jail? He has given us free-will to choose whether or not to follow Him.
I was an unbeliever even though I was baptized as a Roman Catholic. I went to Church without any feeling..without really taking the sermons to heart. Without following Him. He's shown me that living the dangerous and negative life I was living before..was why I needed Him. I needed a rescue and He delivered me from a self-destructive path that I was currently on at the time.
But now, I am brand new. I stumble sometimes, yes..and I even fall at times. But I don't stay down. I refuse to give up. I know I can depend on Him. Whenever I stop reading the Bible, I forget who I am, and what I should do. I start to revert back to my sinful ways. But I do my best to acknowledge Him in everything one day at a time by praying, thanking Him, and picking the Bible back up again and listening to worship songs. Listening and singing worship songs helps fill my mind with His truth in order to attack and defend against the lies of the Enemy.
Sometimes we think that the bad things that happen to us is God punishing us. Not necessarily. Like I said..there are two plans. God's plan and the Enemy's plan.
There are just so many occurrences where I've felt God's presence and love for me. Even though I was an unrepentant sinner, He still waited patiently for me to turn to Him. He has done SO many things for me that I haven't noticed before ever since I've turned to Him. He's shown me how to love others, He's healed my past hurts and situations. He's helped me to forgive and let go. "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner.. was you.” ~Lewis B.
My name is Crissy and this is my story. My testimony to the One who changed me for the better.
I invite you to accept the invitation that He freely extends to you like He did for me that night. He's always been knocking..I guess it just took me awhile to finally open the door to let Him in. Your life will never be the same again. I promise you that.
"Having a rough day?
Place your hand over your heart.
That's called purpose.
You're alive for a reason.
Don't give up"
If you have any questions/comments, please feel free to send a PM my way. : )