About~FROM THE MIND OF GRAPE~
"Ignorance is bliss." What a timeless saying, and one I've been fighting for years. Truth, to me, is more precious than any amount of fantasy or joy, but it often comes at so terrible a cost. Friends who I haven't talked to in ages, I think of what they are doing with themselves. Maybe they've finally reached that loft goal and opened that restaurant or written that book. But no, I talk to a mutual friend and find out they've dropped out of everything to shoot smack or lay some ******** who's got a car and a tattoo. It isn't always that bad, but it can feel that way.
You figure somebody you know is just this kind of person, looking almost perfect through the filter of your expectation. Then you actually put the pieces together (or one drops in your lap) and you find out you were dead wrong. They never were that person. They never grew up, never got smart. Never changed, or changed beyond recognition. It gets harder and harder to know people.
Almost makes you wonder if you should just meet somebody once in your life, write down everything you know or think about that person, then never see them again. You'll never change your comfortable perception of that person. It's a portrait painted in your mind that will never change. It won't fade or tatter, and it will never burn. Well, at least not until you forget, but then what do you care?
It's a long, difficult journey to self-realization. To know yourself is the epitome of enlighenment, for that is what puts you in charge of your destiny. Unfortunately one cannot live in this age of mass socialization with a complex sense of self, this abstract, grandiose idea that only they understand, and hope to find happiness with anyone but themselves.
I believe I may know who I am, but what about my friends, my family? Can I truly expect any of them to fathom the depths of my thoughts? I couldn't tell you if I have a personality disorder or some other dysfunction, but I know that I see the world in a much different way than most. I have secrets, dark ones, and regrets that couldn't be counted.
I live in secrecy, confiding only superficial trivialities even to my closest confidants. The hate I feel for some, the burning love I feel for others. My strange ways may make me look the fool, and that is why I believe I get so little understanding from many. My rationale can sometimes be...irrational. I seek solitude and yet I yearn for company. Perhaps I have just not realized my self yet.
You ever get that feeling that there are two things lying just beyond that gate to Tomorrow; one great, and one horribly bad? Well, that's what I'm feeling right now.