jijijijijij's avatar

Registered: 07/17/2017

 

I am either very closed, or very open. I however usually find the need to say a lot on my profiles. It's therapeutic I guess, since I can never really talk to people about anything. Either way, no one who is going to be relevant to me is going to read it usually. People don't really come into my life, they pass by it. So I'm leaving something for the passer by.

Song on my profile is from a youtuber that I watched during one of the lower points of my life last year. His videos helped me accept being alone and live with it. At the time I didn't have a single person in my life that I considered close to me, I still don't, and I don't see myself ever again in my life having another. It has been that way for a long time, and any time I have gotten close to someone it was one sided and ended once they found their actual friends.

His videos were about train hopping. He would camp outside the tracks and jump on a train when it came by & hide from the rail police. He traveled all around the US & didn't always know if the train he hopped on was going to the place he wanted to go to. It was an adventure, and one he often times did alone.

When ever I'm in a car I will look out the window and look at every single thing that I pass & think about them in many ways. "I wonder what it would be like to live there". "what If I grew up here", "If I was passing through here where would I stop", "If I was an angel who could teleport through out the world, where would I just lay down to relax at". I'm usually thinking about all these things at once with everything I see. One time I had been up for 40 Hours before going on a trip to another state & the whole time instead of sleeping for the 5-6 hours I was looking around doing this because everything was new.
So when I watch his videos I got to see the most remote places in America that no one gets to see except the train conductor. To someone like me, these sights are truly beautiful. Every single spot passed had infinite potential and made me want to just lay down in peace.

In the background he would cover music on a piano that had sort of a slight country folk sound to it. I don't know enough about piano to tell you what the real sound is called, but I enjoyed it a lot. When I listen to music I either listen for the lyrics, the feel of the song, the instrumental, the talent, a unique flow or the soul of the song. His piano had a soul to it that I could feel. It was the Small imperfections, stylistic choices & simplifications to the original songs he covered that gave it the feeling. Just small things that you pick up on that allow you to feel the person behind the piano, but played well enough that it all flowed perfectly. He wasn't trying to play the song exactly how it was, he did it his own way & in his heart it was good enough. When I use to make music that was the feeling I wanted to create; the feeling of a moment capture in time that can't be re-created; perfect as it is.

He didn't put on a fake personality to try to be entertaining, he showed everything as it was. He was a simple man who put up with what ever situation he was in & just adapted as it was what he had to do to survive and get where he wanted. Whether it be eating cold frozen ravioli from a can, or just being alone out there waiting hours, to days for the next train out of a boring small town in the middle of nowhere. At any time he could have called it quits and just took the easy way back home, but he didn't.

I originally found his channel after watching a Russian train hopper who spoke mostly Russian and little English. Russian is one of the languages I had been attempting to learn prior to finding this channel so that was a bonus.

I am a story writer, though I may not have the best grammar all the time, or writing structure. Pretty much I'm usually just trying to relay my message clear enough that it isn't confusing. *Drafting*. I came to videos like these, along with some documentaries so that I could experience the lives of travelers in the united states.
This was my favorite of the documentaries: https://www.youtube.com/v/_QKbIb8wcz0.
The past me was courteous to the current me & understood that I would need to grow as a person before I could tackle the beginning part of my story and relate to the messages I wanted to portray. This way I could improve it enough that when I got to the parts that I put all my focus on, (The arcs, characters, meaning & structure.) I'd be a much better writer capable of fusing the 2 perfectly. Pretty much I knew that If I started writing from the beginning a lot of the stuff I wrote would not satisfy me looking back on it, so I'll save it for last. This also gives me the bonus of being able to foreshadow things greatly & provide a story structure different from the rest of the story.

Watching his videos I always felt at peace, as if I was leaving everything that stressed me behind and going on a trip where I wouldn't have to worry about people. Reminds me of when I use to hang out at a bridge in forest by the lake while skipping school and ranting to myself about whatever crossed my mind. The feeling I got from his videos was exactly what I was looking for and what I wanted to create in my story.

On November 8, 2017, the exact day I recommended his videos to couple people he was killed by a train in my home state. A train that I have actually seen before & always though of while watching his videos. In city I graduated from. It's unknown how it happened as no one was there... but I can only imagine the horror he felt in those last moments... I didn't find out about it until a couple days later, when I had finished every video on his channel & could finally begin waiting for new videos to come out... only to find out that I had really finished every video that will ever be on this channel.

As I finish writing this I hear a train outside. Seems to happen every time I think back on this.
RIP Stobe.

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When I feel motivated enough I will write about why I am on gaia. In reality, as of late my purpose for being here has been pretty void so I'm not sure when that motivation will surface.
The answer isn't as simple as "I'm looking for friends" either.

Thinking back on it, it's February & I have really talked to no one, about anything... at all. I have talked to I believe 2 people about nothing twice this year.

It seems 2013 has returned in its strongest form and it has mated with the death of true value. Seems this is a reality that only I live in. It was a time for me where it was an impossibility to talk to anyone without my existence being numbed from their mind. People only talked to people who were inside their group. Or they opened up to the snakes that attempted to serve them by feeding their arrogance, or providing pride where there Is none creating a dependency for it to be sustained by keeping them in their company.

I'm not really looking for a monotone spectrum of outcomes or anything, but it seems like I'm ******** with trap doors that don't really work. They do trap my faith in society however.

Anyway I'm probably not making much sense.

In short dehumanization has created a garden for the malicious. I never thought I'd see a day where the pray lived for the predator. If you understand what I'm saying, I guess welcome to either heaven or hell depending on how much you get. The world is very free for you to do whatever you want, but once you want any sort of stability you will find out what Is missing & realize you contributed to it not being a solvable problem.

Every conversation I see is about sex lately & it's making me sick. It's the only way people talk to people at this point. That's basically the key to these trap doors which are seen as entrances.

I don't want anything to do with it, but this problem Is here, in the way of my purpose.

... I see, as I look around some more this place might really be finished, some of the worst people have become the center of influence.

Some how I ended up being the opposite of people everywhere. Though.. I feel that may not be accurate. I think I have in common only traits that people like to avoid, or that I create a peace that is easy to move past. Possibly I don't really ever display anything.

I think it would de beneficial to actually understand people on here rather than assume I do. I guess being outside of them might be the best position to do this from. Though hopefully my judgement isn't clouded by assumptions, biases, or my state of being.

: Until this statement is gone, this.. I guess this... "study" is *To be Continued* :

I wonder if the way I phrase things comes off as robotic...

I'm not really sure what the best place to start is. The idea to do this started today, 3/11. I was beginning to feel I was drifting away more rapidly than ever before. The combination of understanding my position & then looking at others and seeing a vast emptiness in possibilities. So I thought... maybe if I attempt to have conversations with every person I see, I can absolutely murder myself in the eyes of all people surrounding me. That way I can truly have no possibility of friendship on this site again. And because I currently don't dislike people for isolating me I'd be fine with that outcome later.

It doesn't really take anything negative from me to make people dislike me. All I have to do is have a general conversation with them, or to fail at creating one, then I'm as good as dead to them. Once I've created a world that I cannot interact with, I will have reached the lowest possible position in humanity. From there I can either find something useful, or the separation will feel like home eventually and I'll stop feeling anything as the situation will become a natural state of being.

Sadly that wouldn't end well. I wouldn't be here in the first place if I wasn't trying to find enjoyment from it.

So I think back to the issue, not every person on the site is the same, but they all have something in common against me. The obvious & impulse response to that is that I should look at myself because I am the problem. I've done that for many years,

I'm not malicious on the outside, or inside. I'm not really all that negative these days, so I'm not here autistically bitching about my problems, or ever talking about things on my profile. (I don't think I've ever told a person to look at my profile once.), most days I feel like making it private, because I'd rather people not read it... though If people do I'd hope they'd read it all.

Basically the issue is, I'm boring. I don't have whatever it is people desire from people. Whatever that thing is people have grown very... urgent towards & have created a reflex & practice in distancing their self from people who do not have it. What is scary is it can be felt no matter what I do, or where I go, as if I'm a monster. I wonder what it is people actually feel, if it is boredom, disgust, or fear.

Probably isn't that sinister. Another possibility is that people have created a common devil that they associate me with. Meaning every negative trait that they collectively see in people they despise creates a single entity that they unconsciously see the death of all things they build on in life in. And the roots of this entity appear to be present in me.

Knowing myself this presents 2 plausible possibilities & I think it's a combination of them both. The first one comes from the fact that I think before talking most of the time. This means I could potentially be dangerous to others because there is the possibility I could make a bad decision, because I appear open to the worst possible choices.

I guess in this world where there isn't much reason to have faith in humanity It is easy to assume the worst. However, even if you do not assum the worst, me thinking about what I say also has the effect of making my conclusions seem disingenuous.

In reality I'm trying to relay how I feel in the clearest way possible while also thinking about how it can be taken by the person I'm talking to. While also questioning myself if it's how I truly feel on a deeper level. I over think. I'm aware of it and then over think the fact that I am overthinking. This creates the effect of putting 2 mirrors facing each other; An infinite loop that pauses the entire process at times. Realizing I already ******** up by taking to long, but also realizing there will never be enough time to solve the problem because it goes much deeper.

It's what happens when life goes full circle. The clarity of understanding shows only the problems and they're then reflected inside you once you understand they're an obstacle. The only way they can be interacted with is if they're apart of you on some level.
It's like the effect of magnets keeping a consistent distance of things that are on the same frequency. This means they present their self as obstacles because they're something you cannot simply walk through free of resistance. They feel fine where they are at, as it is their natural state & place in the universe, you're the one moving and walking into these problems. They do not simply move out the way because the problem is equal or greater than the effort you put in to move them. Whether it be on the physical level, or when you subconsciously or voluntarily avoid something, directly maneuvering around it, or even just taking notice of them.

Even If you were to successfully move the problem that wouldn't be fixing it.

Ok imma sleep now, I'll finish that thought when I wake up.