just a message to anyone who ever reads this... my name is stuart, im 17 and im the biggest f*ck up in the entier world... i grew up a loner, in kindergarten i wouldnt play with the other kids, everyone would go play in the swimming pool and i would sit in a corner inside... i had bladder problems and my teacher sat me in the bathroom almost every single day until my parents came to get me... it was horrible until about 3rd grade until i started to stop wetting the bed... over half my 3rd grade year i got pulled out of class for pissing myself...in elementary i had about 5 friends total... middle school sucked for me because everyone remembered me as a bed wetter. now everyone thinks im a nerd because i wear glasses. ive become a social outcast, and its all my fault too -.- parents wise, they were never really there for me... only to feed me and make sure i didnt get in trouble with the cops... and i did anyway... ive never had my own room in my life, they would give my sister a room, and stick me in like, an indent in the wall and put a sheet for a door. and i had a sleeping bag for a bed... i never acknolwedged it, i never really cared... until high school mainly. after i got arrested... my mom was cheating on my dad for 12 years now... with more then one guy... she was obsessed with drugs and sex with strangers... she had a mexican guy work for her and sleep with her... idk what happened but he left... my mom left us all of a sudden, and never paid the bills, so we had no water... i moved in with a friend, got in trouble with drugs with his brother, got arrested, AND THEN my mom chooses to let us back in with her. goes good for a while, i even met the girl that made everything alright. idk if i ever told her that. i shouldve... i really shouldve... but no, because i wanted her to find someone in real life and i was scared... i was scared, because she never assured me about how i felt on life. she was the sweetest girl you would ever meet... and i realized this all too late... we argued... and argued... and argued... its been a year now... she has gone through a few bf's and found her real life man now... ive been through online chick after online chick only to leave them the exact same reason i left the first girl... AND THEN, i finally find a girl i thought was cool in real life... and exactly when my mom left us... again... so my dad had to get stuff together quickly... we had about 3 days to get all our stuff, since we found out we had to get out... so, i tried all i could t ostay here in california... ive been here my whole life... my dad would yell day in and day out, 24/7 because he was gonna take me to f*cking alabama no matter what... to live out HIS LIFE... do what HE WANTED... with me, him, and my brother cramped in a small ass RV with 7 dogs... my dad is pathetic... he does NOTHING but play WOW and now STARTREK all day, all night... on his labtop... he let me live with my gf though... my brother is forced to do EVERYTHING my dad wants... while my dad sits there... playing games... playing games.... playing games... i hated my brother... my whole life... but now... when im typing this... i feel so sorry for him... everyone was right... i would one day be nice to my brother.... and again, i realize things too late... i stayed with my gf, i was forced to...she loved drinking... and smoking from time to time...i hated every bit of it... i wanted to spend time with her, go swimming, go to the park, go shopping, but no... she wanted to "party" and she confessed, if she was drinking with guys while i wasnt there, she would cheat on me... i got tired of her selfishness, when i wanted to spend time with her thinking it was my last day, and she dragged me around with her friends and her errands... putting oil in a car, going to get stuff at walmart, go to her friends house and talk about what THEY wanted to do... i broke up with her, and she kicked me out... so i told my mom who doesnt have custody of me, and my sister dropped me off at a friends... and now, here i stay, heart broken and confused about what the hell love really means... i dont know what to do... ive screwed the one thing i need right now, the one person... my princess peach... the names she calls him >~< just rip me up inside... its funny though... how girls think its okay to tear hearts to shreads with dull ass knives... and then wanna be friends again...
that was a long time ago, so as you know my name is stuart, im an emo kid and want to post pictures of myself but have no idea how lol! i wanted to delete all of that but wow ._. thats... i cant even imagine myself typing all of that.. im very self concious, i dont have a computer so just like.. text me or something at
um... idk what else to say, donations are apreaciated? lol. later people ._. ill try updating my profile sometime.
So at this point umm I'm trying to get over this girl I dated for over a year and I don want to begin to start explaining what she meant.. Because people will talk sh*t if I mention what I did over her >~<
Unnnn.. I got kicked out of my actual house, for hanging myself, moved in with a friend in Magailia CA, (used to be sac, my house)
And uhh trying to be happy day by day .~. ATM I'm very damn clingy.. Like ill always want to chat or cuddle or something,
So if you don't want to put up with me that's fine..
I'm going through a lot lately so if anyone reads this, if I just get depressing and leave the conversation.. I might just up and mention it in hopes to be cheered up .~.
First impressions are key with me. If I like you right off the bat then you're a good friend to me already. If you gene to blush or smile I might even have an attraction and then bam, I can easily get jealous even if my friends don't try to make me.
Lets see.. What else, first impressions.. I dunno, I don't usually message first .~. It's not on purpose.. I'm forgetful.. So I really appreciate sweet people who check on me >~< my friend said just the other day "dont be a stranger.. Okay..?"
And I kinda wanted to cry and hug them >.< I'm very emotional, especially these past few months since the big bad break up.. I mean I had college set up too and then getting kicked out for that >.< rofl.. Ruined a lot.. So .~.
Alright, well I have contact info, don't be shy I've heard it all before so you can't surprise me even if it's uhh personal questions.
Xbox not so much as where I'm living so... My iPods all I got. Kik, Skype, this Gaia, very rarely elsword, I play territory wars online, most of this is up there ^ in a quote, pm anything really. Take care and stay lovely people .~. Updates in the future, this might be a book eventually.
so, today this update, august 13th,
found out my ex and my best friend now like eachother, the same guy who tried
helping me try to get her back, he thought i was someone else lol and kind of...
talked bad about me. didnt treat her right, i am obsessed, blah blah..
what ever :/ i tell her they need to just stop worrying about me (they wont date, thinking ill hang myself)
and just go for it. now she says she misses talking to me, and wishes "that we never dated so i wouldnt be hurting like this" probably so she could be happily with him and yeah. oh well. sitting here leaving the room over and over so no one sees my face.. rofl. idk why i update this on how im feeling. i guess its a way to vent.
I don't know why but.. Holy sh*t .~. I'm depressed.
Like... More than most times... I mean I know I cried my eyes out knowing my ex and "best friend" are all over eachother,
But now I just... I'd be perfectly fine if I didn't wake up in the morning. Like...
Lately, I've been thinking.
"I have no motivation to change anything, no motivation to try and make a difference in my life anymore"
And I'm here being funny and sacrastic and loud in rl, laughing at YouTube videos, and then I sit there when the video is over and think
What are other people doing right now? Going to live on campus at a university.
Showing their kept in feelings for someone and them having a great time just spending time with eachother.
Some couples might be wasting thousands of dollars on fun relaxing and romantic vacations, or happily shopping at the store for their family.
Some people are studying hard on what they want to become, and I have no f*cking motivation to try any of that anymore. I don't want meds..
I just... I don't know what I want anymore besides to drop dead /: I'm not going anywhere anymore.
Patrick's family would think I'm stupid or a child or something, but... I just. Don't. Give a sh*t. Anymore.
I haven't made any bother or attempt to replace my glasses or call the dentist for this tooth.
I don't care...
kay so... today's the 12th of september... finally got my eyes examined, my friend told me to just call... now i gotta call another place to fill out the subscription and actually make the glasses,
tired of just... seeing sh*t going on with someone... i want them to f*cking suffer >~> it would literally please me to no end.
tired of f*cking crying all the time...
THE FOLLOWING: is a little rant on skype i happened to do.
... well, considering the fact the ex i hung myself over has no remorse of ruining everything and just blurting out JUST HOW f*ckING HAPPY SHE IS ALL THE MOTHER f*ckING TIME WITH HER NEW BF, and everyone, EVERYONE, EVEN the guy who likes her and tried taking her from me, tells me to just MOVE ON. when i tell them i cant i cant, SO I STILL TRY ANYWAY. lets see.... best friend for 3 years tells me just how much she likes me, girl on gaia is CRAZY for me, and also this slut i came across cybering with someone, SO MANY CHOICES.
LETS START WITH BEST FRIEND. try dating her, she gets all depressed "i'm better off alone, i don't deserve you" earlier asked me "would you be okay with me dating cole?"
...K. let's see... my ex complained i never let her hang out with friends? BULL f*ckING HORSE sh*t. i got upset ONLY AFTER she went to this seniors party, got drunk, made out with him, then had ALLLLL THESE FEELINGS for him, the main reason i hung myself in the first place. OH BUT GUESS WHAT HE DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH HER. i guess wanted to just f*ck me over. its what ev.
let's see, the slut seemed like a nice girl, always trying to sound SO DIFFERENT AND SOOOO INTELLECTUAL. apperently im not her type. what ever. she seemed slutty from the get go. first time on cam she was in short ass shorts, bending over showing off her ass on purpose no doubt. gets pissed off that i mention it. APPERENTLY HER EX IS STAYING AT HER HOUSE FOR A WEEK, " oh nothing will happen i wont let it" "...k, i believe you.. you know i like you.." what ever happens, arguement, days later she tries adding me again on facebook, i ask why did she bother "oh just reasons" i ask what reasons, "i had a pregnancy scare okay?!" uhhh with who? NONE OTHER THAN THAT ONE EX SHE DATED. KK. BYE SLUT. you b*tch over "NO ONE WAS LIKE DANTE I LOVED HIM" didn't date him for longer than 6 months, took her apperently 2 yeaars to get over it, i dated my ex twice as long, might take me longer to finally get over it.... i just find it annoying how she tries SOOOO hard to hide that she is just a slutty little... never mind. idc. just annoying how the girl i liked is just... what ever.
uhhhh girl who wanted my dick and is OBSESSED with me and wanted me to move in with her, so she can take care of me, ALL OF A SUDDEN I REALIZED, SHE WANTS HER EX BACK. like she ALWAYS says such NICE things to compliment me or convince me, and then "oh should i get back together with him, i miss him -crying face- V.V" HMM. KK. i'm getting sick of this f*cking bullsh*t... i get A LITTLE f*ckING HOPE... just a weeee bit, and think "at least this person cares..." LOL. NOPE. THEY DON'T. THEY ALLL WANT THEIR EX'S.
or one of them just want's their ex's cock inside her. well except my ex. she doesn't want her ex's. she's perfectly happy. with a guy 2000 miles away.
the same people who tell me not to give up, the girls who always say "i'm not like them, i'm different."
that one f*ckING phrase "IM DIFFERENT"
i almost laugh at it.
If im ever in sacremento i will find you beat the f*cking sh*t outta you ass werd to moms
If im ever in sacremento i will find you beat the f*cking sh*t outta you ass werd to moms nd watch your sh*t because if im never there i know people who live there who will f*ck you up for me cause you look hella gay
And you talk mad sh*t
this is what people say on FB, so yeah.
rant at about.. 11 pm on sept. 22nd
everything was going nowhere slowly, and i was slowly just getting more bored and lonely, until one day friends came to visit, i tagged along going somehwere, and met someone so special...
from first sight they were... so different than the rest... i literall ysaid in my own mind " i have to talk to her"
and... omg... we hit it off... it felt amazing... and she was a lot younger than me... she told her mom i wanted to take her out on a date..
her mom didnt even give us the chance... out of depression i didnt even talk to her for over a month... then it hit me and i talked to her again, we decided to lie.. about how we met.. about my age.. and.. it went perfect.. our first date i was SO nervous...
i held her hand and i was freaking out.. my heart was just racing.. at the mall she sat on my lap and just.. napped right on me, our first kiss... kinda sappy, was in hot topic.. lol..
we'd have barbaques at my house at first, every time she came over almost.. we'd cuddle and watch movies.. id keep her warm.. she said she loved my smell, with the axe i use..
her favorite color was the same as mine, so my green jackets with my smell she loved to borrow and sleep in them... for days, for weeks she would borrow them until they lost the smell..
one time when we had a tickle fight, i cuddle her and was above her, i just... i cried... i was so happy... she was my world, my whole f*cking world..
i know... im not the funniest person... i know i get angry... she hated it... i would push EVERYONE away.. even her, when im upset.. and i dont even remember much of it but i guess i said such... terrible things when im angry...
we made love for the first time... before that happened, i wanted her to promise... she would never regrret it... that its REALLY wwhat she wanted to do, and she said "i promise..." and i just.. i was so happy! it.... i cant even... >~<
this one time.. we were sitting at my kitchen table.. her older sister was there, and my mom was on the phone
my mom said i was graduating soon... so her sister thought "what does she mean graduate..? how old are you really..."
at that very same moment... my girlfriend burst into tears and i had to tell her sister the truth... that i was 18, and my gf was 14..
and you know what happened...? she was okay with it... her sister was okay with it! i wanted to cry happy tears... i didnt have to lie anymore... my girlfriend told her mom, while she w as crying so hard... and her mom was okay with it too! she said "we should've given him a chance if its been this long with him"
i had a problem with my apppendix.. and they couldn't take m to the hospital... because they thought i was underage at the time and needed a parent.
she actually got angry at my gf, for not telling her sooner, they could've taken me to the hospital
but by the time i had my surgery... i wasnt allowed to see her... because her family found out we have made love in the past..
they denied her seeing me.. and it just... it went to sh*t after that... constant arguing... we would take turns breaking up with eachother... getting back together, i wouldn't talk for a few days... looking at it now, i feel... pathetic >~< because you know why...?
she lost everything she ever felt...
she left me, she found someone else, she was kissing him, talking so happily about him..
i couldnt handle it... this girl, turned my life around! i went back to school because of her, i wanted to go to college... because her familymade me feel so welcomed... her mom has a 1 bedroom house... i didnt care.. a tiny little kitchen table, it was so cute.. we'd eat together.. on that tiny table.. i didnt care about the house... i didnt care how she looked.. she never wore makeup around me anymore,
because SHE KNEW... i'd love her.. forever.. no matter how she looked..
>~< jesus f*cking christ im crying so hard right now..
i wanted to be a doctor, i.. i wanted to make tons of money, i wanted to buy her the world.. she likes plugs (for her ears) for her birthday i got her some, i got her this $50 shirt she looked at... just because i wanted her to have it..
>~< hold on..
when she found this other guy she liked.. and due to depression and not being able to see me she drank with him.. and they ended up kissing i guess.. im not gonna mention anyones name... she loved him, she was so happy with him, i couldnt handle it... multiple times i would go into big speeches on how i wanted her back...
at one point i saw her, her friend thought of seeing her every saturday at a school.. and when i met her, i hugged her tight and just... i cried...
she would borrow my jackets, just for the smell, she would wake up smelling it thinking "omg stuarts here?!"
but it was just my jacket.. lol >~<
i hung myself... because she denied me and like this other guy..
i couldnt get her back.. it was pointless.. i was nothing without her, i know.. sometimes id get angry.. i took her to a convention one time, i couldnt find a parking spot for over an hour or two.. i got so angry.. i just wanted to park and have a good time looking at the costumes...
i drop them off and find a spot, and it cost $10 just to park, so i meet them.. im still pissed off.. and they begin following me, im angry but im not a rude prick... i didnt want to drag them around while im pissed off.. i said it wrong i guess, i said "you dont have to follow me around" because.. i felt they wanted to see other things, and she got upset and walked off..
me and her are so different.. she likes different music.. she likes to rave.. i met her at a rave, she was sitting out in the cold with a blanket waiting for me to show up...
she sat outside.. in that cold air.. just for me..? and i didnt even dance in the rave.. i'd feel stupid jumping around, im so self concious... i should've just... >~< known i was with her, and thats all that mattered... at one point i sat outside, and without even knowing.. i had music blaring and eyes closed.. she was beside me, i didnt even know... she left crying.. i felt terrible... >~< im always ddissapointing her... im always f*cking things up... and she put up with my depression and anger and insecurity for so long...
so f*cking long she stayed with me...
but i guess not being allowed to see me was the breaking point..
her family said i felt like one of them, just another member of the family.. we would go to her BBQ's, id play games with her nieces, they would climb all over me.. spending halloween with her was the first time i ever showed my face.. hallowween was my time to wear a mask..
but no we were zombies, i did the makeup and played the part with a scary stare, it was... perfect... LOL ,i even had vodka in a plastic bag because she likes drinking
im okay with it... i wouldnt let her be an alcoholic... just to have fun,
she was my whole f*cking world... and always being mean and apologizing... she got tired of it... my sorries mean nothing... shes gone, she... i annoy her, when i want her back..
she met someone i guess, 2,000 miles away... she loves him now... theres no more, theres no point, im not hers... shes not mine...
remember the thing i told you, the one thing i never wanted her to regret...?
after i hung myself... my family went off on her... and i cried on the phone calling her from the mental hospital... i was so sorry... i tried so many times to fix it.. i went to her sisters house, when she was there and angry at me.. i wanted to ask her sister to forgive me... and my ex then was so angry i went there...
the one time i stay at a girls house... everything was fun, my ex got jealous... because, she used to be mine... she told me she was jealous... i was so happy.. i went right back to her >~< i kissed her and held her...
i called her mom a few times to beg... she.. didnt care.. i couldnt word it right... i was crying too hard... at one point i guess when i was angry, she said "do you love me?"
i guess i said "sure" which... i hate myself for... i should've said "unconditionally... i awlays will..."
>~< i f*cked everything up... i always do... the most beautifful girl ive ever been with... the cutest, the funnest, the sweetest... at one point her brother stayed the night because he didnt want to drive home drunk.. i started a hot shower for her because she was so cold..
she used my bedd, i snuck in and layed on the floor and just, almost passed out... i heard "what the..." because she saw me on the floor, and the cutest f*cking giggle i will ever remember, and next thing i know, the love of my life is getting under the covers with me and laying rigght there with me... it was... >~< pure love i felt... her skin was... so soft, smooth, i wasnt even horny or anything i just wanted to feel her, and it just went into one of the best love making times ive ever had...
i miss her... i miss her... >~< i miss her so much... i got kicked out for hanging myself... she stopped caring... she met someone else... i lost my chance at college... im so far away... i f*cked it all up, all because her family found out we had sex... its all ruined...
im so f*cking sorry... all i can say is sorry now, i cant... i cant do anything... i messed it all up, and everyone wants me to get over it..
i cant... i... im in love... i just... shes not... and it hurts... so much... it hurts so much, to see her now... with someone else... always talking about all these things... hes perfect for her, and just... i want to go back in time... and fix it... but i bet now she would rather be with this guy... so... whats left for me to do... when someone has lost all interest in caring or they dont care for work or school... when all they think about is the same damn girl for months on end... day after day... its always on my mind... everything we had, i... she loved our cat.. our cat always cuddled up to her, she thought my sister was fun, and that my mom was cool for letting me and her drink, we would cuddle watching moviees and she would just pass out on my bed... our favorite movie was the lorax...
some random things i did she loved... at one point i pouted and made a face at her and she squealed and said it was so cute, another time making my bed, i hopped and she thought it was funny as hell...
my faavorite.. was when i showed her a song, "scat man" and i was wording every word it sang... and she gave me this look.. this smile, she was speechless.. she said nothing she didnt laugh, she just felt this... love for me... its all gone... all of it... >~< all i can do is cry and miss it, miss her...
what happens... what should you do, what does it mean when the thought of a single girl, no matter your mood or no matter your situation, just her in your mind will change the mood instantly and tears show, and you cant help but.. think how much you love that person..? to the point of that awkward smile looking thing when you're crying hard and you just... love them, no matter what...?
my friend asked, Well, what would make you feel better?
and i just had to let most of it out.. lol.. so here it goes. friends comments will be in parethesis
this whole entire situation, feeling very repacable, like a tool in a garage, and it doesnt help im watching a video of someone saying the exact same thing, of how they will just be replacedno regrets, no remorse, no hesitation,and..i cant f*cking do this anymore >~<
(((Were you this bad before Brenna?)))
(((Or was it worse .-.)))
what do you mean this bad
was what worse
(((Like, the whole 'wreck' scenario .-.)))
idk,at times i got pretty upset but there was always hope or something
im literally at the end of my rope about this lol
ironic to put lol when none of its really funny,
(((There will always be hope, regardless of the situation. You just don't see it)))
hope in what
what am i looking forward to..?
(((Oh I don't know)))
well, me either..
with what in it, based on what, with what happiness or motivation >~>
if i get like this almost every f*cking night, even with friends and help and sh*t going on
imagine how i am on my own, with a half ass job,how f*cking long will i last?
i dont know sh*t about credit cards, debit, f*cking.. social security, how to get sh*t for a car,bills, registration
(((Dude, have you even tried looking for a job yet?)))
yeah,and they want stuff i just
(((You won't go anywhere If you don't start .-.)))
everyone has such, HIGH f*cking expecations for the most, pathetically easy half ass jobs
(((>.> calm down there mighty man)))
and people without all the requirements, wont even be acknowledged
why calm down.. this is the real f*cking world here..
this isnt even half the sh*t im going to have to worry about and manage later on
(((The real world isn't about living in the past yo)))
(((You gots to get motivated)))
im talking about what the f*ck am i going to f*cking do
how many times have i said ive f*cking tried..
and look wheres its gotten me
im working on it
i get nothing,
im getting nowhere...
and it just hurts..okay?
(((Who knew just one person could cause you all dis pain)))
(((Well, what would make you feel better?)))
a million dollars,
a time machine,
some.. f*cking.. i dont even know..
dying, isnt much of an answer is it
(((That's not what I meant)))
(((I mean realistically)))
thats just it, lol.i dont even know,
you want me to just say whats obvious but wont happen or something? lol,
(((Just curious .-.)))
i just want it all to go back to te way it was..
back when i was home or something..
when i was more than ready to try out college, as an MA, i wanted to go far, you know?
i was ready to try, i had one hell of a reason to achieve and succeed,
what did i do that made her f*cking hate me so much anyway?
does she even stop to think of anything nice i ever did, when she was always ranting about the bad?
what the hell does he say to her..?
is he really that special, even thousands of miles away, do i really have no chance anymore, am i just washed up and used up?
was i really that bad..?
if i failed that miserably.. then why the hell should i bother anymore, if im this big of a f*ck up if someone day after day can talk sh*t to me and always say he is smarter, stronger, faster, better, quicker, better in just about every f*cking way
and its hard enough for him to do things,
what f*cking hope is there for me?
if im not that good at anything and there is always thousands, millions of people better than me at what ever the hell it is i do, wether its, elsword, call of duty, playing basketball, running, thinking, MATH, school, paper work, reading, running, thinking on their feet, healthier, better teeth, bigger muscles, being a better person for brenna even
if im this big of a mediocre at... well f*cking everything,and im always f*cking crying
what the f*ck then...
if i needed your help just to get her back in may or something, what the hell do i do now, and thats even before all these other guys.
emilio, alejandro, you, nick,
im very competative.. i hate losing lol..but losing in a game, is just.. so much different than losing a family against some fat ass..
losing someone who changed everything in your life for the better...
to, an internet, omegle guy,
and it just being rubbed in your face one way or another, my family doesnt make contact with me even..
ive never been happier ive never been happier, STUART I HOPE YOU READ THIS IVE NEVER f*ckING BEEN HAPPIER"
is there seriously any reason for kicking a man while he's down?
does it make you feel better for it?
do you feel powerful, in control, like you achieved something without your training wheels,
well congratu-f*cking lations...??
im so very glad for you? now let me just sit here and TRY to look happy and over it while im debating wether or not i want to die today or not,lol i went for a walk one time thinking of suicide and i heard two people getting it on in the woods.
so... apperently i heard that my ex i've been so upset over is a "party slut"
sadly, she would um... apperently left her bf (2000 miles away she was dating)
well he dumped her, lol.. and she used to complain to me she cant handle distance..
so yeah, went to a guys party, made out with him and almost... had sex... with this guy that pretty much made her leave me in the first place.... so, cheats on 2000 mile away guy, almost f*cks another, now was dumped, crush on a new guy, and now apperently smokes weed every so often and yeah... dunno what to really feel about this girl anymore...