Last Login: 04/20/2012 6:32 pm
Location: Universe, Sol System, Earth, North America, Canada, B.C., Some town, Some street, Cardboard Box.
"You might be a king or a little street sweeper but sooner or later you'll dance with the reaper."
The Villain Handbook.
The Villain Handbook.
Written By Xxoozero.
Nine Reasons To Become An Evil Villain.
1. You will have more friends.
Peter Parker was a social outcast. Norman Osborne was the popular kid. Reed Richards was a dorky scientist. Victor Von doom was a rich socialite. Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Everyone wants to get a little piece of the evil. It is like Starburst.
2. You get to laugh maniacally.
Good guys don’t get to do this. No one has ever heard Superman or Batman laughing like a maniac and no one ever will. Trust me, this is something everyone wants to do. It is strangely liberating. While you may pass chances to do this every once in a while during your civilian life, you will never get the quantity of opportunities that come with a career in villainy.
3. All of a sudden, you will have the budget for all kinds of toys.
Super bad guys are never broke. Not only are they never broke but they always have more resources than the hero could ever hope for. Apparently the villain racket pays very well. It also seems to be recession-proof. I hear the tax breaks are good too.
4. Hot chicks dig evil guys.
You never see an evil villain with a busted a** woman. Sure, they may be dirty, rotten, and out to steal your empire, but you can always kill them if they get out of hand. Studies show that breasts of women who hang out with evil guys are an average of two cups bigger than the nice dudes chicks. Studies don’t ever lie.
5. You will be safe from everyday accidents.
Evil villains are never killed in car accidents. It just doesn’t happen. You won’t slip in the shower, get smashed by a falling piano, or die of food poisoning. The only way you can be killed is in an explosion created by the hero by exposing the one flaw in your plan that no one could ever possibly foresee. Even then...
6. You don’t have to worry about anyone killing you.
Evil Villains simply can not be killed. People may think you are dead but you will secretly be lounging in an easy chair on your secret desert island hideout planning your next caper. The only way you can be taken out is by another villain eviler than yourself who will subsequently take over your identity and continue upon your path of world domination.
7. You can kill anyone you want.
You won’t go to jail. For some strange reason, cops never come to bust Evil villains at their homes even when the evidence is overwhelming. You could kill Superman on a live video feed in front of the entire planet and not one cop would try to arrest you. They can’t even arrest you for the stash of plutonium you have in your shed. It is in the charter when you join the union.
8. You get to dress how you want.
You never have to wear a suit and tie again. You can even dress in the most outrageous outfits while demanding the world bow to your demands and no one will even make the slightest of snide comment. This could have something to do with the fact that you can kill anyone you want and can’t be killed back. Remember, no one ever made fun of Magnetos helmet...
9. No matter how weak you are, you will be more than a match for any hero facing you
"But zero, Batman would kick my a** in two shakes of a stripper’s a**... "None of that matters. The sheer newness of your evil plot will confuse the hell out of any good guy. As long as you aren’t doing something that has been done to death (ie goblin themed villains) you should have no problem getting your plans off the ground.
The Villain Handbook.
Nine Things Every Evil Villain Needs.
1. You need a castle.
Preferably one in the mountains of some remote eastern European country. When shopping for a good stronghold, always remember to look for proper dungeon space, good schools, and a self destruct option. A skull on the exterior announcing your evilness to all visitors is optimal. Make sure you opt for full coverage homeowners insurance, as the self destruction option will inevitably be put to use at some time during your career.
2. You need an army of ninjas.
A lot of villains overlook this. You must be able to back up your demands with good old fashioned a** kicking’s, the kind of a** kicking’s that can only be delivered by roving gangs of rogue ninjas. Make sure you do not hire ninjas without reputable references, as most ninjas on the market nowadays are just out of work pirates in black costumes.
3. You need a laser.
No plan for world domination is complete without a laser to point at things. Lesser villains use laser pointers to disrupt movie premiers. Note that this does not count as having a laser. This only counts as being an a*****e.
4. You need a video camera.
You have to have some way to announce your plans to the world, and by video camera, I don’t mean a ten dollar webcam and YouTube. Don’t be so cheap. The world will never take you seriously, no matter how many ninjas you may have, if you are featured on websites next to the Numa Numa kid.
5. You need a tank of sharks.
You do not need any shark food. It is a good idea to store them in what looks like a regular pool so when the hero tries to penetrate your fortress and decides to take a leisurely swim he will get eaten. It may sound ridiculous, but studies show that 90% of all heroes who have attempted infiltration are eaten by sharks while swimming in villain’s pools.
6. You need a British accent.
No one quite knows what it is, but there is just something sinister about the way people from Great Brittan talk. Just the sound of it inspires thoughts of arrogance and indifference. Skeletor, the greatest villain in history, seems to be the lone exception. He doesn’t even have to talk to be evil.
7. You need a staff of imbeciles.
Every villain with any real aspirations of world domination surrounds himself by at least six or seven people who can and most likely will ******** everything up. These people are kept on the payroll to make you look good with the stipulation that they will eventually be killed for their insolence. They understand this when they are hired. The trick is to kill them at the second before they hit the self destruct button prematurely.
8. You need a control room.
It has to have a lot of computer stuff in it and some guy who lives there. The guy who lives there has to know everything about everything and advise you in a wise way. Of course, this is advice you piss on every chance you get, but it is always good to have it around to curse when your plans fail.
9. You need a monkey.
The reason no villain has ever conquered the world is because he has never had a monkey. It is a proven fact that a man with a monkey can not be defeated. Do not argue this with me. I have a monkey, you can not win.
The Villain Handbook.
Nine Drawbacks To Being An Evil Villain.
1. Costumes never fits right.
They are always tight around the crotch area. This is a problem for both the heroes and villains. In the old days they used to take time outs from fighting each other to adjust themselves. You just don’t find that kind of common courtesy anymore.
2. It’s hard to find decent help.
Regardless of how many background checks you run, you will always be surrounded by inept fools. It doesn’t take much schooling to get a good job in the henchmen racket. The upside is they are all going to get killed anyways, so you don’t have to worry about any of them being around long enough to get on your nerves. The downside is that for the short time they are alive they will manage to screw up every key point of whichever evil plan you are using that day.
3. All the good themes are taken.
Some of them are even done to death. Good luck trying to find anything original that is actually respectable. Animal and skull themes got played out 15 years ago. Go with anything too colorful and you run the risk of looking like a fairy. You could always search out an existing villain, kill him, and take over his identity, but that’s dirty. Even for a villain.
4. Shark tanks aren’t cheap.
You will go through at least one of these every week, along with probably a laser and two or three space rockets. There is never a shortage of a*****e heroes in this world that like nothing more than to sneak into your lair and break your stuff. Not cool.
5. It is hard to keep a relationship.
Most of your girlfriends get killed; 90% of them will be by your own hand. It is hard to make anything long-term when you got the whole pesky business of world domination always lingering on your mind. Also, evil lairs are not exactly prime real estate for raising a family. You can’t call time out to discuss your evil plans with a spouse anyways.
One day he will find you and he will kick the holy living s**t out of you. There is nothing you can do about this. Just accept it and move on.
7. Superheroes make the stupidest jokes.
It is one thing to get cracked on, it is another to get cracked on by some geek wearing his underwear outside his pants as he kicks the s**t out of you on top of a high rise building in front of the entire city. It embarrasses not only the offender but all those around. It almost makes you want to stop fighting and act like you don’t know the guy.
8. Every now and then, you’re forced to do something good.
It is inevitable. Somewhere along the line you will be forced to spare some hero or save the life of some innocent bystander simply because it suits your plan better to keep them alive. I know, it sucks. Redeem yourself later by baking a fresh batch of kittens.
9. You never really win.
It is always something. Either your guards weren’t watching the abort button or some idiot let the hero in the front door and gave him a key to the cellar full of ammunition. Don’t worry, he won’t kill you. He will just come in, break all your stuff, and call the cops. You will get away without a scratch but your plans will be foiled. "One day!" you will scream as you shake your fist. Get used to that.