AboutAfter the "Dark Vessel" adventure, everyone who ever loved me is dead. I'm not allowed to brag about that anymore.
Battle axes are not the sniper's weapon of choice so I should get off the roof and engage the enemy.
Battle axes don't have a stun setting.
Dragon breath is not funny.
Dragons do not dispense their hoard in lotteries, and there's no way I `may already be a winner.'
"Dropping Trou" is not a fighter class`special attack.'
I am not allowed to make explosives, even if I do have all the supplies.
I am not the evil twin, but only because I don’t have a twin.
I should stop screaming about `the power of grayskull' and take cover from the crossbows.
"I was bored" is not an excuse for anything done with a loaded ballista.
If it looked like a duck, quacked like a duck, and tasted like a duck, but had a collar indicating it's sacred to a local goddess, we should skip dessert and start running.
In my case, `innocent until proven guilty' is an offense against the gods.
It is so my fault.
It is wrong to enhance my codpiece for dramatic effect.
It is wrong to make the evil sorceress cry by mentioning her biological clock, ticking away.
The cleric feels it is wrong to behead someone who's crying. Noted.
It is wrong to splice centerfolds into the mage's grimoires.
Kilroy was NOT here and he'd better stop putting graffiti in the castle.
Leave the animation of the dead to professionals.
Magic wands do not experience `recoil' so I don't need to brace the short-skirted sorceress every time she casts a spell.
Missile weapons and alcohol don`t mix.
Must never use the word `wanker' within 50 feet of a cleric attempting to invoke or influence her deity.
Must not hire ladies of negotiable affections to follow the cleric back to his temple and commend him to the bishop for the sexual healing he performed.
Must not tell the Amazon she needs to get laid.
REALLY must not tell the barbarian fighter that the Amazon needs to get laid.
Must not throw the NPC's into flame traps to `see them sparkle.'
Must remember that the time to point out flaws in the strategy is BEFORE we enter the Dark Abyss of Eternal Peril.
No one wants to help me look for my invisible friend.
No one wants to know HOW the velociraptor happened into the prioress' wine cellar' they just expect me to get it out.
Not allowed to ask Death to prove he's really Death.
Not allowed to carry the shoulder-fired catapult indoors every again.
Not allowed to open the drawbridge during a siege even if the enemy promises to let the pizza delivery elf through.
Not allowed to order were-chihuahua chili in the tavern any more never again no way no how.
Not allowed to take fallen comrades to the taxiderist, even if I SWEAR it'll be a tasteful pose.
Not allowed to teach obscene exclamations to the fighter's talking sword.
Never allowed to tell the Amazon how sexy she looks.
Not to repeat the Barbarian's comments on the usefulness of women adventurers to the cleric while she's treating his wounds.
Oh, stop screaming.
The bishop is not a hood ornament and when he stops screaming I should untie him.
The phrase `can't possibly miss' is way overused.
There is no ominous "background music" telling me the monster's getting closer.
Treason's such a harsh word.
Turns out, when I'm told `you wouldn't dare' they're usually wrong.
Violating treaties is not an `icebreaker' for diplomatic missions.
Voices in my head are not `in a position to know.'
We do not run credit checks on royalty when hired to rescue the princess.
We're here to kill orcs, not moon them.
When cave bears hit cave bears it means love. When cave bears hit party members it means war, and I should not shout `get a room, you two!'
When Death lets us challenge him in order to stay alive, we will pick a board game, not Whack A Toad.
When someone says `some of you, and you know who you are' everyone in the party knows they're looking at me.
Yes, there really are such things as innocent bystanders