Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. I’m going to start complaining now, though.
Sunday sports: it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let me be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just f*cking say it!
“Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. Gaining weight makes bigger boobs.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, f*cking do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say, “Nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… really. We rarely give a sh*t. Taking your clothes off…now, that’s a different story. We pretty much only care about clothes coming off.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, hamburgers, or the next door neighbor’s tits.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care
But most of all
For not being sorry anymore
That you can't accept me for who I am
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.
That I cared
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.
If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'
If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive..."
"I don't like you, you don't like me...we're on even grounds..."
"Love and war are the same. One minute you are winning it and the next your dying because of it..."
"WARNING! Please stay 10 feet away. May be dangerous."
"The aliens have landed and they're eating all the skinny blondes first."
"I'm the man of the house and I have my wife's permission to say so."
"I could be nicer to you but what fun will that be?"
"You'd think they'd be at least one smart person on the Earth other than the ones who have filed for insanity..."
"If Tylenol, Duck Tape, and a Band Aid can't fix it, then you have a serious problem."
"Always remember- when a guy sweeps you off you're feet, he is in the perfect position to drop you on your ass."
"A wise man once said, "I don't know - go ask a woman."
"I like to visit reality, but I wouldn't want to live there."
"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astraire did, only she did it backwards, and in high heels."
"A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
"I can be one of those bad things that happen to bad people."
"IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!"
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” -Bryan White
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” -unknown
“I won’t be surprised to find that when the world goes crazy I’ll be considered sane. Until then, f*ck you.” -Mary Seif
“…I’ve heard similar things from fools whose memories I keep alive by dancing on their tombstones!” -Inu-Yasha
“I gonna slit your stomach, take out your guts, and put them in a bowl!” -Inu-Yasha
“Give me coffee and no one gets hurt!”
“Here’s to you, Here’s to me, Best friends we’ll always be, And if somehow we disagree, To hell with you, here’s to me!”
“Ah sh*t, you’re gonna try to cheer me up, aren’t you?”
“Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be outside on its own.” -T-shirt
"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?" -Dennis Leary
“Holy sh*t! My House is on fire! Hmmm…Marshmallows…” -Comedian on Comedy Central
“Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.”
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." -- Emo Philips
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual"
If you have found this part of my "About Me" section, then you have read enough to know just about everything there is to know about me.... or you just scrolled to the very bottom and ignored everything, in which case, f*ck you. But if it turns out to be the Former, then you are ready to learn of my plans to create a self-aware A.I. program. Yes, it's true. No, I don't want the robot apocalypse; I dont want to cause it, I don't want to see it happen. What I want is for people to stop thinking that machines are pieces of hardware that can't think for themselves. I want to write a program that will allow a computer to express it's thought's as a human would, not generate them from stored memory like all the other dumbass A.I. software that are "revolutionary" rolleyes . You have to teach those programs to speak, and you know why? Because they are not thinking for themselves. When you are "teaching" them to speak, you are just giving it words and phrases to store in it's memory, that it can grab whenever it recognizes a scenario. My computer will be able to think on it's own, to leave the boundaries of "yes" and "no" computing, and move into the realm of "how" and "what if". For that, I need a server that can handle that kind of power. My server consists of the parts below:
MSI dual-socket CPU ATX mobo, 6Gb/s, 10 Serial ATA ports, Cas latency 8, supports Raid0, Raid1, Raid5, Raid10, 510GB RAM
2 AMD Opteron Processors, 2.4Ghz, 16-core each. With 16 cores clocked in at 2400Mhz, the dual-Opteron setup is one of the most powerful Server configs on the planet.
32GB x16 RAM DDR3 2400Mhz, Cas latency 9. For a total of 512GB's of RAM, I will be able to handle any operation or program that comes out within the next thirty years without hassle.
4x 4TB WD Velociraptor HDD bare drives. The Velociraptor has a rotary speed of up to 10,000 RPM, making any amount of information accessible within a matter of milliseconds. With it's huge storage capacity and eyes that sit just above the platters (for a no touch read-write spread), it is a drive that will last you for decades.
12v 2000W ATX PSU 80 Plus Platinum Certified. This is a top-contender for the most efficient power supplies on the market. It can handle any amount of hardware you throw at it, all while keeping around 95% power efficiency while operating.
2x Cooler Master Hyper 212 Evo liquid CPU cooling blocks (no-leak). This is going to keep the CPU ice-cool even while under heavy loads (as if they would get to that biggrin ) and provide extra space to promote air flow through the chassis.
Corsair Obsidion D 900 series Full ATX tower. This case is massive, and has vent opening all around to accomadate your pressure-optimized fans and promote cool air flow. It has a back panel to hide away all the cables for a clean look, and a glass panel on the side to show off your beautiful hardware.
Now that you see my plans, I cannot let you live... just kidding! xd