If you try to fail and succeed, what have
you done?

How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?

Why is the time when the traffic is slowest
called rush-hour?

What's the speed of dark?

If physics can predict lottery numbers,
why are they still working?

If you run backwards will you gain weight?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you need to
buy her friends?

What happens when you get scared
half-to-death twice?

Can a blind person feel blue?

How can a house burn up when it burns
down?

Are you telling the truth when you lie in
bed?

If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is it a
bad thing?

How do you know when a Smurf
suffocates?

Despite the cost of living, why does it
remain so popular?

If a word in a dictionary is misspelled, how
would you know?

In Chinese why are the words for crisis
and opportunity the same?

Why does X stand for a kiss?

Why does O stand for a hug?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

How does skating on thin ice get you into
hot water?

Why are they called stands when there
made for sitting?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make
the unexpected expected?

When cheese gets its picture taken what
does it say?

Why are they called non-stick pans? Is
there a law saying your not allowed to put
sticks in them?

Why are a wise-man and a wise-guy
opposites?

If work is so terrific how come they have
to pay you to do it?

Should crematoriums give discounts for
those who died in fires?

Is it possible to have a civil-war?

If the #2 pencil the most popular, why is it
still #2?

Do tea makers have coffee breaks?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do they announce power shortages
on TV?

Do you need a silencer when you shoot a
mime?

Why do you press harder on the
remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

How can batteries die?

If its zero degrees tonight, and tomorrow
its meant to be twice as cold, how cold
will it be?

Why are buildings called buildings when
there finished? Shouldn't they be called
builts?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that when you tell a man there
are 400 billion stars he will believe you, but
when you tell him there's wet paint he has
to touch it?

Who's cruel idea was it to put a 'S' in 'lisp'?

If a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?

The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business, did they see it coming?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

Do you find it unnerving that what doctors
do is called 'practice'?

Would a fly without wings be called a
walk?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Is "Cute as a button" supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

Wouldnt it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Isn't it interesting how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it
homeless or naked?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal
injections?



When life gives me lemons, I make orange juice and leave the world to wonder how the heck I managed it

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday

Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas

If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating.

Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!

That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter

When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic.

You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?"

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it

He who laughs last thinks slowest

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work

I'm not cynical, everything just sucks

I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good

I'm not as dumb as you look

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek...nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1 inspiration and 99 perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the tme to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

When I'm feeling down I like to whistle...it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Doors are on a house so you don't have to go through the windows.

If you can't get the skeletons out of your closet, you'd better teach them to dance.

Stupid is just a 5 letter word.

Don't ask me to think inside my head, because I lost my inside voice.

Friends are like condoms, they protect each other when things get hard.

No one ever says "it's only a game" if their team is winning.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If UFO's are supposed to be so intelligent, then why have they abducted humans?

Anyone who says "As easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

If voting could change anything, it would be illegal.

That that is, is. That that is not, is not. That that is is not that that is not, and that that is not is not that that is.

If you got a problem, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

I never repeat myself, so pay close attention to me the first time, cause I never repeat myself.

Work is blackmail for survival.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth without first giving him a Certs.

Canaries are the best, especially with ketchup on them.

Slow and steady gets you trampled by the other guys.

When opportunity knocks, shoot first and ask questions later.

Fun flies when you're doing time.

When all else fails, use duct tape.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injection?

You are now entering a school free drug zone. Thank you for pot smoking.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

if you think rap is the most awfulest thing to ever be called "music," and that rappers are wanna-be's who are being paid to make fools out of themselves and can't even sing, copy and paste this into your profile.--And always remember. Crap can't be spelled without first spelling rap.

Pluto was no longer declared a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "Too small" and "Off its orbit" for a couple scientists' likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile. LONG LIVE PLUTO!

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.


Reasons why girls are the best

1. We got off the Titanic first

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, free dinners, free movies... you get the point.

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people still find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We can have men do what we want by mearly unbuttoing our shirts.

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your
stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.

Love the neighbor.
But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day than
waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours !

God made relatives.
Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, three's the result !

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

Love doesn't have to have a happy ending, 'coz love
doesn't have to end at all.


Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

I you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?