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Unausprechlichen Kulten
My Rants ...for the most part
Title unrelated.

I'm fairly new to the concept of depression. I don't log onto this account very often, and I've been shying away from gaia more and more. I'll never leave gaia, not really... but I do seem to come less and less, and post only so much.

I think I know why.

I joined way back in '03, and made quite a few friends. Since then most of them have gone their seperate ways, and I've lost contact with them. I joined a few rp's, and over time they all managed to be snuffed out. One never made it to the guild registry, and the other two died after making their way out of the main forums. Mind you, I only ever gave my attentions to one of these. So the rp that meant most to me, and that I'd invested a lot of time in, slowed down... and eventually was lost to all of us. We had ideas. We just didn't have time. Or at least we had our excuses. I don't like looking at the list of my guilds and not seeing it there. It causes pain in my heart, because for a while we were all kind of growing together. Remember folks: friends through and through.

I find it interesting that even though I am the owner and "creator" of one of the most succesful guilds in the GGN, I've so often considered leaving. I won't, because I know I'd just end up coming back. So I guess my current objective is to bring as many people I know in real life into my guild as I can. I will be much more inclined to hang around and such if there are people I actually really know, other than my wife, for me to talk with. Skepty, Pulga, Nadian, Wiedzy, Mango, Strideo, Iris, Katsu, Tarrien, Norran, and all the rest are all good... but I've never had the chance to know them out of gaia. People are very different online, if they don't mean to be.

So yes. We'll see if my eldritch plots and schemes can work.

In other words: I think I miss the people that I once knew.

P.S. I may have made "Why Not?" and bought the guild off of Tseta C. Aito, but it was my wife that made it. Also, I am not now, nor do I think I ever have been, depressed.

My Confession

In my Heart of Hearts lies the Darkest Darkness
But a true scholar knows that Darkness merely hides the light.

I am a being of utter confusion, clarity, intillect, wisdom, foolishness... and some very, well, stupid moments. I am a being of continuous remorse, always looking back, and feeling a sorrow for the ages and peoples long since lost. I am one who looks forward, and can see what the future holds, but cannot see myself as a part of that future.

I know many things, yet am wise enough to see that much of it means nothing. I'm always learning more and more, and always absorbing more, to no ultimate purpose.

I am a being of clashing ideals and desires. I want for myself nothing, yet I want the world. If given the world, I would simply give it away.

I am a martyr. I recently learned this. I am always willing to cast myself aside to help the people I care about, and my heart never stops bleeding. I feel pity for the world, and all the people in it. Yet I despise all of mankind.

Humanity is a vulgar abomination, and deserves no more than to be removed swiftly and severely from this realm of existence... much like the color perriwinkle. If the decision were mine, then the failed experiment known as Man would be long gone, and all that would be left is a blissful, eternal, horrid, silence. In my world there would be no sound, only sights of beauty and wonder... all left untainted by the dirtying touch of Mankind... and undisturbed by the harsh sounds of human voices. Paradise is a frozen world, everlasting, never changeing.

Though, at times, people do deserve life... though perriwinkle never has deserved existence!

Laugh! Laugh! The Crazed God Commands it!
The world is going to hell.

I had a lot on my mind, but I've decided to just sum it up as this... I don't even remember what all was upsetting me, other than a friend of mine essentially leaving gaia... which would be ok if he wasn't on the other end of the country, but yeah... I'm going to be ok

Something I do,
One thing I've done, is to take peoples "favorite lines" from movies and put them together to make a quote that I like...

ex.: Starship Troopers: "You wanna live forever?"
Galaxy Quest: "Never give up, never surrender!"

thus going to a 'quote' I like: "You wanna live forever? Never give up! Never surrender!"

heh heh,
I'm so freakin hawt!

in regards to the previous journal entry, I lied ^_^

*coming soon*

Forlani Mordecai
Community Member
Forlani Mordecai
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