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missing journal entry
ayo yesterday's journal entry disappeared into the void?

also reminding myself to change the music to this at some point: https://youtu.be/OHxpIqpAjz0

how is everyone today?

i dont know if ppl still read these journals

i have no ******** clue what life is anymore

i just roll with it

i got this

i dunno

"Ah, that's apples, mate."

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chronic skittles addiction
mate i just need ******** skittles god ******** dammit i dunno how im gonna do this bloody test i know i can do it im just feeling like s**t right i dont know what the ******** im supposed to do i have a handful of skittles daily and i got all this bloody late work and i wont relax until march and even then ill have all this useless s**t to fill in to keep my grades up i only got a month left and then the home stretch and ******** exams and ******** its so late and i have to stay up doing this s**t somehow ******** ******** ******** ******** ********

"Ah, that's apples, mate."

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rant 2/22/2021 10:13 PM
i hope my mom falls and hurts her back so bad that she can't get up for a month

and my dad gets hurt and can't get out of bed

i genuinely hope my mom gets a ******** cancer that gets cured but makes her unable to live without constant physical pain

and i hope the doctors say she'll be fine so she'll have to live with it and can't even be put down

all anyone's done this past month is piss me off

over and over

im hoping my mom burns her hand on the stove right now and it ends up being so bad that she can't even cook

i hope she trips down the stairs and can't scream because of the pain

i hope my dad ******** cries again

people don't feel safe when they see their parents cry but for me it's amazing

especially when im the reason why

once i get out to college ill only interract with them when i need to send them money

******** b***h i hope she calls out for me in the hospital in 40 years and realizes that i don't give a s**t about her

i hope they accidentally hurt me so they live thinking that they're s**t

i need to break something so bad

i wanna hurt someone

strangle them

choke the living s**t out of them

make them suffer

break something really really fragile without feeling regret

i cant even stand up the urge to destroy is just

"Ah, that's apples, mate."

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I can do it...?
i feel kinda weird

like everything's gonna be alright

and that i can do it

and that i can really get my grades up and be the best me

and that's a good thing

i just haven't had the proper confidence in myself since three years ago when i basically got a whiplash from everything that happened

i mean im in a good position now

i just have to work on mental strength

but if there's anything i want

it's someone to talk to that i can really talk to

not my parents or relatives or teachers or counselors or psychologists

not even my friends to a certain extent

i need someone i can really vent to

someone who doesn't have to present a solution to be helpful to me

someone that doesn't nag me or give me phony solutions or let my words go through one ear and come out the other

that's near impossible

the only person i can think of lives far away from me

and i don't know how well they'd be able to help

at this point i need to talk to someone who actually knows what i've gone through

someone whose experienced the same thing with similar extremes

someone that understands what it's like to doubt your own intelligence even when everyone around you, people that happen to be way smarter and more experienced than you, claim that you' really are above average

i just need to prove it to myself and get my confidence back and it's not just one thing that's gonna do it

not even meditation or exercise or taekwondo can help

im just searching now

the end of the year is approaching fast and i have to do something before then

the test im moving to august is going to determine my life at this point

"Ah, that's apples, mate."

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Quitting Roblox Soon
it just isn't the same anymore

everything went downhill after they removed tix

rthro is a f*cking curse

the games get more cringe and boring each day

i wanna gouge my eyes out roblox just isn't as funny as it used to be

i miss 2016 and prior roblox

im only logging on for the valve games and to flex my houses in other games

and they're removing the iconic oof death sound due to copyright

at this point all i'll have left is tf2

not that im complaining i f*cking love tf2

if you didn't get that already

i also like halo, doom, metal gear, and a few other series now

i can't believe how much my maturity and taste in fandoms has evolved since 2013

"Ah, that's apples, mate."

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