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I'm home
I'm surprised that gaia still allows journaling. Considering that journal editing is not an option on their app, I was certain that this is an unpopular feature. I can see that the code behind is not too complex and it's a nice addendum for a well rounded personality meshing with identity on this website. Personally, I haven't been on gaia in months. I really didn't have a need to journal. My life greatly improved, I no longer obsess about JP and my ex is out of the picture. I've learned a large array of social skills handy in conflict resolution, now that I live with my boyfriend: a person that doesn't freak out about stupid minutiae. I'm worrying now though because he's getting slowly pushed out of his job because of office politics at his work and, even though his paychecks would cover him for another month after that, I worry that this will tear us apart by making it impossible to afford to live together. I have no intention of returning to my parents' home. Lately, I've been exhausted about life. Generally, I now have the perspective that life has a way of crapping all over emotional wellbeing with horrible news and I'm tired of adopting all of these faults as my personal wards. That's not to say that I'm depressed, although, my mood does turn down every few days. I'm just simply done trying to balance all of the crapola I'm handed and now have an approach of correcting everything I deem as ******** up without any consideration to how other people will be affected unless I deem that it's worth it. I pretty much ran away from home after being abused and, due to the kind heartedness of my boyfriend, moved into his mother's home and eventually to an apartment with him. It's very different from the previous time I was in this situation. I'm not ignored and life with him has relaxed my perspective on how make or break life's little fallacies really are. It's only recently that I started spending days away from my eating disorder. It's a wonder what my new mindset is doing for my ability to , ironically, live life without worrying continuously. This is worthy of worry though: we've been talking about buying a house and, with this, all of our talk about financial pooling, settling in for the long run, and (if necessary for the mortgage, marriage). I don't feel like that's the right reason to marry but I also have not experienced devotion like his before) All of my exes valued me insofar as someone they can just replace if it didn't work out and it was obvious. I bent over backward to be a good partner and didn't receive half the work in return. I'm not upset that this was the way that things happened. I never felt like they were my "other half" and had a perspective of imminent relationship death for those. Here, it's different. My boyfriend thinks so similarly that I don't really feel alone anymore with my thoughts. He spends an enormous amount of time with me, cuddling and talking. He may think that I worry too much or have too strict a way of approaching house chores and the like but he never treats me like a stranger nor like I'm replaceable. All of these arbitrary rules in my life are shed at will and there are way less shackles holding me to my past. I'm not quite ready for his job search considering our finances but I suppose a good place to to start thinking about which direction all of this ultimately could take (worst case scenario) and develop a plan. If I'm desperate enough, military is always the place to go. It'll hurt like hell considering we rarely spend a day without seeing each other at least once. I'm certain that he's the best I could find that could complement my personality. He's precisely the best person I could date because he's got the healthiest approach to dealing with stress and because he understands horrible parents due to the fact that he also had difficult parenting. Dating him finally united the way I feel inside and the kind of environment I try to set in the relationship. Instead of saying "I love you" to mold the relationship into a temporary weld, saying "I love you" while he doesn't break eye contact is so easy and natural now. I finally feel like I'm home.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
Le Visage Inconnu
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