So yesterday I was talking to the wife of an Army Ranger from the Joint Base Lewis-McChord. After talking to her for a bit I asked if she could pass along a message for me, she agreed and when I told her to whom it was for she was puzzled. She asked her husband about Luke and he said there was no one by that name at the base. She told me that if he was in training here in Georgia.
I thanked her while feeling so confused, and I had an idea after speaking with her. My idea was this: Text him, if he's in training like he should be then he will not respond because they take the phones away for the duration of the training. But if he does respond...
Y'all get where I went with my thinking, so I texted him.
A simple "Hey".
Not less than a minute passed when I recieved a response.
I quickly asked him where he was, and why he wasn't at JBLM like he had told me. He confessed that since the government had shut down he had been in Canada.
I felt so betrayed. All my trust in him was gone, not because he had lied about going to Ranger training. No it wasn't just only about that, it was that while he went off and had fun, i spent every waking minute of my day thinking about him and missing him. That these feelings of loneliness and sadness were caused because he had lied to me and left me alone for so long while he and his friends had gone to go have fun. That he thought that I would never find out about his deceit that I never would.
I asked him "Why?" Why he had lied to me why he hadn't told me when he didn't go to Ranger training, why had he left me alone for so long? Suffering for so long??
He replied that he was scared, scared of how afraid he was of "not living past tomorrow" because every time another car got to close he would cringe in his car away from the others. That he had gone from being a Marine who was afraid of nothing to hardly remembering a thing about his life and feeling scared of not knowing what he was going to do.
I told him "fine." If he didn't want to talk to me or tell me what he was feeling then he wouldn't have to tell me anymore.
He didn't understand and thanked me.
I continued and said, you don't have to tell me anything ever again.
What use am I if you don't talk to me, what use am I if you won't let me be there for you, be there to support you. What use was I if he didn't let me close?
I couldn't stand it anymore all the lies and turning away when I reached out to him.
I told him I can understand strangers hurting me and lying to me, but from him? I couldn't understand. The man I love was lying to me, deceiving me, hurting me. And that hurt me even more knowing that despite all of what he had done, I still love him. I STILL LOVE HIM and forgave him of what he had done to me. I hated myself then. I hated that I was so weak that the thought of having someone who lied and hurt me was who I couldn't stand to be apart from.
So I decided, that if that was how love was, it would better to get married to someone I didn't love. I said before I can understand getting hurt from strangers and lied to by them. That I could withstand but not what I had been living through anymore. I told Luke about Moses, a Nicaraguan Marine Biologist student who had for the past 2 years that I had gone to Nicaragua, declared his feelings for me, had made his intentions known to me and my family. My parents were thrilled when they found out of them and had asked me to concede to his proposal, I never did because I had Luke then.
I never responded and came back to the US, but if love was what was causing me such pain, then I would finally concede to him this summer when I went to Nicaragua again. So I will. I told Luke that when I go again to Nicaragua this summer I'll accept that proposal. I'll accept a marriage to a man I don't love or care for to please my parents for once and so I can stop getting hurt by the people I love.
I mean what could go wrong?
He can't hurt me since I don't love him. And if he did, it wouldn't be so much of a surprise.
If Moses will have me, I guess I won't be alone anymore.
I won't feel this empty feeling in my heart and in the pit of my stomach, like when I fell asleep each night without Luke. I can't stand having him say he loves me and turn from me each and every dang time I would reach out to him. To feel such rejection from him and know that despite it I still love him. I can't stand it anymore so I told him I had 2 choices at the moment, accept a marriage to some one I don't know or love, or cut across the graveyard and end all this pain, because I know if I can I will always turn to him when I can.
Luke told me no.
To live.
And I responded "Fine. I will. But not with you. Not with you anymore."
And from 9 pm Est on the 14th of October, I have stopped talking to him. I think of him constantly but now all I feel is this great disappointment inside myself where I once used to feel this great love.
I told my 2 best friends on Gaia who are like my sisters, everything that happened and they calmed me while I cried over the decision that I chose.
I will stay firm in my choice, I will go through with this arrangement and maybe just maybe one day a new love will come. A new feeling will grow in my heart and this new person who will come into my life will help me forget and maybe just maybe will help me learn what it feels like to love and this time love and not be hurt at every turn.
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