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can i speak the words that i wanted to tell you? can i say "don't go!" or "please stay". i wish i could. i wish i didn't think so much about you. i wish i didn't think so much. i wish i could stop my heartache. every day, evening, and night is the same. i can't move. i can't do anything. everyone around me has a pursuit. everyone around me knows what to do. why not me? why don't i know? why can't i know? every word i speak, every breathe that i take in and release, every tick and tock on the clock, it all is the same. day in and day out. i sit here and write. i want to do something. i sit here and sob. i want to do something. i torture myself because i hate myself. i torture myself because there is nothing i'm good for. i don't want to try. i just want to end. i just want to stay still forever. i want to leave. i want to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i want you to stay. i want you to go. i don't know. i hate myself. oh i really hate myself. it makes me want to cry and destroy myself but i just can't. i don't even want to try anymore. i've become numb to things that hurt before. if i sit still long enough, i torture myself. every thought in my head is "you're worthless", "you're horrible", "you're no good to anyone." so why can't i take the weapon. take it and relieve myself of my troubles, of my aches and pains. why don't i just end it. why can't i just end it? i am disgusting to everyone. i can't speak to them. they won't look at me. they won't really care if i'm gone. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10. counting away every second until i run out of them. i feel hot tears in my eyes, and something stuck in my neck. my stomach hurts and i don't want to be anywhere. i want to rip out my heart. i want to rip out these thoughts. why won't they leave? GO AWAY. JUST GO AWAY. PLEASE, OH PLEASE. JUST LEAVE ME BE.
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