Why I am So Screwed Up About Sexual Interactions
So you know, I have been thinking about my frustration with my knowledge that there is no way I could ever convince a doctor to chemically castrate me. I have been thinking about why I am so incredibly screwed up when it comes to the issue of sexual intercourse. So I was recalling my past to someone I know online and told her the story about my brothers having sex with the same female within a few weeks of each other. The joke was all about how she should go 3 for 3 and sleep with me as well. I, of course, said no thanks. This got me thinking back to how my father's side of the family has always thought/acted about sex.
For them having sex is pretty much just like breathing. I know full well that they put all their energy into getting sex. I mean for lack of a better term you could say it is their hobby. Kind of like how I put hundreds of dollars and thousands of hours into video games. They do the same for sex. Everything they do in life is just a means to an end to get sex. As a result, they are constantly talking about their escapades. Comparing notes and doing all that kind of stuff. This can include ways to trick females into wanting to sleep with you, how to make sure that the 2+ other females you are dating won't catch you cheating on them and actual sexual technique. Basically, I just tune them out now. However, the fact is these conversations have been happening since I was 12. I was basically forced to give my opinion on something I knew nothing about from the moment that I hit puberty, maybe before I cannot remember much before age 10.
This is where I figure out I am screwed up about sex. First off, I hear the length that my family is willing to go through to get sex. I am an inherently lazy person so putting forth that much effort and money for something that cannot be proven to have a huge pay off is something that I just could not justify doing. Even now I tell my father and brothers how I just grab the first shirt and pair of pants I see and they gasp because I do not care about my appearance in everyday life. So to hear them talk about the clothes, the hairstyles, the routines, the tricks, the coming very close to committing crimes, so on and so forth. I would rather just sit at home alone and play pokemon. The effort was instantly rewarded for that at least and I have hundreds of hours poured into those games over my life. Then there is the observation of the treatment of males in relationships.
I would call this treatment slavery but I feel that does not do it justice. I would watch my brothers or my sisters' boyfriends bend over backwards and rearrange their entire lives for females and then they do something small like burp or forget something and all that effort goes to waste. However, we all know full well that without the hard efforts you are not having sex. The time and the money I would see them rack up 3 or 4 video games worth of expense just for one night. It was very disheartening, so I stopped caring and shut myself off. Then there is the whole rebellious teenager thing.
Rebelling as a teenager is a pretty common practice. Since my father wanted me to be the cool guy who sleeps with all the girls, I rebelled against that. I made sure that I would be the loser who could not turn on a female with a switch. I have basically kept this persona to this day and it has done wonders for me. By assuming that everyone is just repulsed by me I do not have to worry about anxiety or disappointment from social rejection because I know that is just the default. It is also the shock value that I get as well. When you tell people the numbers that I tell them. They freak out, no one understands how it is possible for any able-bodied, not severely disfigured human to have those numbers. Yet here I am, and I get a laugh as I explain to them how I do not even try and it is impossible if you do not at least try. Though people seem to think that it will accidentally happen.
These are all just things in my past by the way. I am not even talking about all the new issues and dangers that have arisen with the current year. There are a lot of movements out there which basically label a male as a rapist no matter what. Any communication can be considered harassment, criminal harassment even. I mean how could I ever have any incentive to want to try now if back then when those things were not as terrifying I could talk myself out of things. I mean seriously, I felt it was too expensive and not worth the effort when I could get something out of a relationship. Now that I cannot even get sex but am expected to act like I might... yeah no this is crap. I really wish I could get myself chemically castrated so I no longer have a sex drive and on occasion get depressed about the fact that I do not have sexual intercourse.